Question : Why can’t you eat mothballs?
Answer: Because you can’t spread their little legs far enough apart!
I’m on a seafood diet - anytime I see food I eat it.
Hear about the new Chinese-German restaurant? Eat there and an hour later you are hungry for power.
One man’s meat is another man’s poisson.
Why do you eat chili on a Friday night? So you can have a bubble bath on Saturday morning.
Two immigrant’s arrive in New York and their first meal is at a Hot Dog stand. After they are served the first guy looks in the bun and says to the second “So what part of the dog did YOU get?”.
Hear about the UN banquet disaster? They dropped Turkey, spilled Greece, and broke China.
How does Haggis taste? Offal.
Sign in a Deli window: “Our tounge sandwiches speak for themselves”.
Ike: I like almost all food.
Mike: Even tripe?
Ike: Can’t stomach it.
Mike: Brains?
Ike: Just the thought!
Mike: Tounge?
Ike: Don’t speak of it!
Mike: Sushi?
Ike: Depend’s on how it’s cooked.
Mike: Vichysoisse?
Ike: Leaves me cold.
My sister isn’t a grill cook anymore. Now she stocks the salad bar.
Is that good?
Oh, yeah! Now she’s a celeried employee!
Customer, reading a menu–How’s this chicken prepared?
Waiter–Well, we let her know she’s gonna die.
Customer–Why did you serve my Eggs Benedict on a hubcap?
Waiter, singing–Oh, there no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!
A waiter stumbles, spilling some food.
Customer–Waiter, there’s soup in my fly.
Customer–Can I get a doggie bag?
Waiter–Of course, ma’am. I’ll have the chef wrap up some bones.
Customer–No I want to take home the rest of this meal.
Waiter–Your dog must have expensive tastes.
Customer–Yes, indeed. In fact, he’s going to be very disappointed that I ate here.
A famous vegetarian died. There was a big turn up at his funeral.
What’s a pirate’s favorite food?
an ARRRR-ange! (orange)
That restaurant is run poorly. The kitchen is a mess, with grease all over the floor. Walking in there is like reading music: If you don’t C sharp, you’ll B flat.
The cook must be a clown, because the food tastes funny.
I ordered a fruit platter for an appetizer, and the waiter told me it was all organic. I figured that out when I found an apple slice with a healthy worm in it.
One of the menu items was an Irish seven-course meal:
A six-pack of beer and a potato.
I wound up ordering a steak with a side of greens. It turned out to be a nasty old T-bone with mold on it.
When the waiter brought it out, he had his thumb on it. I said, “What’s the idea of touching my food like that?”
He said, “I didn’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
The waiter was stupid, too. I asked for condiments, and he told me to try a drug store.
After dinner, my wife and I each ordered a a slice of chocolate bundt. What a mistake. I felt queasy after eating mine, but she started wretching right there at the table. It was like being at a bulimic bachelor party: The cake jumped out of the girl.
These people don’t know a thing about food. They figure that if white wine goes with fish, then white grapes go with sushi.
When I looked at the check, my wife said, “What about a tip?”
I said, “Don’t eat here again.”
Zebra - No! No! No!
How do you catch a polar bear?
You dig a hole in the ice and put some peas around it. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!
Henny Youngman:
This food is fit for a king!
(snap your fingers like you are calling a dog) “Here King! Here King!”
Some comedian I don’t remember:
My wife became a much better cook when she realized the smoke alarm isn’t a timer.
Q: How do we know that the French like eggs?
A: Because they say “Un oeuf is as good as a feast”!
It’s ladies night out. Three women are at the bar getting drunk and they all have boyfriends with the same name “LEROY”.
1st Lady: You know, I’m getting sick and tired of getting YOUR Leroy, mixed up with HER Leroy, HER Leroy mixed up with MY Leroy and MY Leroy mixed up with YOUR Leroy…why don’t we all asscociate our LEROY’s with a SODA POP.
The other two ladies agree.
2nd Lady: Then let me go first…I name my Leroy, MOUNTAIN DEW.
**The other two ladies (in unison): **MOUNTAIN DEW…why Mountain Dew?
**2nd Lady: ** Because my Leroy can MOUNT and DEW me anytime.
All three ladies are hooting and giving each other a high five.
3rd Lady: (interrupts), OK ok ok, my turn…I name my Leroy 7UP.
**The other two ladies (in unison): **7UP…why 7UP?
**3rd Lady: ** Because my Leroy’s got 7 inches and it’s always UP!!!
All three ladies are hooting out really loud this time, and give each other another high five.
1st Lady: (stroking her chin) Hmmmmmm those two were very very good, but I’m gonna name my Leroy…JACK DANIELS.
**The other two ladies (in unison): **JACK DANIELS…that ain’t no SODA POP, that’s a HARD LIQUOR!
1st Lady: Yup, thats Mah…LEROY!!!
Get it…hard liquor…hard licker…hehehehe…oh boy I just kill myself…
YIKES!!! This is for a high school drama…sorry about that.
Since you’re writing a theater script, and not just one-liners, you can also take advantage of situations, such as a waiter telling a patron to finish his vegetables or he won’t get dessert, or to eat everything because there are people starving in China.
Patron: Waiter, taste this soup!
Waiter: Is it not good, sir? I’ll take it back for you.
Patron: I said, taste this soup!
Waiter: Is it too cold? I’ll bring you a hotter bowl of soup, sir.
Patron: Taste this soup!
Waiter: Is it too salty? Not the right kind of soup?
Patron: Waiter, I want you to taste this soup!
Waiter: Very well, sir. Um…where’s the spoon?
Patron: Ah HAH!
The script is coming along very nicely thanks to you all. I was able to use some very good stuff here. I wasn’t able to use some very good stuff too. 
How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal one?
The taste!
That’s not really about food is it?
To be used in times when ordering from an Asian food restaurant.
What will you have?
Oh I’ll have the cream of sumyoungai
What’s the difference between an egg and a wan… oops i can’t say that.