At some point in time you should have simply stopped lying to the family member and there would be no problem at all.
If they blurted out their secret and then asked you to tell no-one you should have said, “Sorry, too late for that, I tell my partner everything.”
The only other alternative is that you offered an assurance before the secret was revealed. So instead of saying, “No don’t tell me your secret because, even if I promise not to reveal it, I will tell my partner,” you said, “Sure my lips are sealed.”
Another vote for “don’t make promises you can’t/won’t keep.” You know you blab everything to your partner, so why on Og’s green earth would you promise not to tell him?
I’m so firmly in the camp of telling-your-partner-is-okay I don’t even consider it breaking your promise to tell them. I don’t have a rational argument for this position but could offer some rationalizations.
If TV didn’t lie to me, then from Law & Order I learned that a spouse can’t be forced to testify about things their partner told them. Therefore, the government treats conversations between spouses like they fall into a black hole. From its perspective, it’s like they never happened.
I do wonder if some Christians might consider it a sin to hide something from their spouse. And if they practiced confession and were compelled to tell their priest about this sin, would it be a violation of the promise to tell the priest? Or alternatively, if you were so bothered by it you needed to tell a therapist about it would that be a problem? I’d think either of those situations trumps any promise you made (and again, the conversation you have will never leave either of those rooms) and that if you can talk to those people about something, there should be no moral reason you would be unable to discuss it with your spouse.
Go to the cousin and tell him/her the problem and get their permission to tell and apologize for being the sort of person who makes promises they can’t keep.
If the cousin won’t give their permission, well, you now know the quality of this person. And they know your quality, too.
When you agree to not tell anyone a secret, that means anyone. Your spouse is, in fact, a whole separate person from you, and telling him counts. If you can’t manage to keep secrets from your spouse, then don’t agree to.
The dude’s having an affair and wants to dictate what other’s can tell their partner? He doesn’t want anyone to know but he is telling you? I wouldn’t loose sleep if I told my spouse this secret. In general, if someone feels like they need me to swear something then I’d just as soon not be involved in their drama.
I don’t really want to open the whole morality can of worms, but to give it some context my dad blurted out over dinner that he was having an affair on wifey #3, which didn’t really surprise me but it did shock me. After going on and on about it for like 20 minutes he panicked and made me promise not to tell.
If he wants to keep talking to me about it (I think he might actually be working me up to meet the mistress) then I’ll tell him that he can either let me tell my SO or keep it to himself, it’s not the kind of secret I want to keep from my partner.
I also assume that if I tell someone something they’re going to tell their SO - and anyone else in their lives with enough distance from me, even if they promise not to. I guess everyone is different but I think most people would.
I’m not offended that you disagree with me. I’m pretty sure I’ve got an opinion that’s not in the majority. But you’ve replied to what I said by taking a sentence fragment completely out of context. I was referring to spousal privilege and mentioned television only to draw attention to the fact that I’m talking about the law and not a lawyer.
“If TV didn’t lie to me, then from Law & Order I learned that a spouse** can’t be forced to testify about things their partner told them**.”
Television is correct. Our government feels that the ability for spouses to communicate unfettered is so important to martial harmony that they can’t be forced to testify in court about any of the things they’ve told each other.
In this particular case, the person asking to keep a secret from your partner is the person who habitually withholds information and keeps secrets from his partners.
“Sorry, Dad, but that’s the kind of thinking that leads to affairs.”
(I don’t really advise saying this, I just think it’s kind of ironic.)
I may be wrong, but I think that only applies if one of the spouses in question is the defendant. It doesn’t mean that you can never under any circumstances be asked about conversations with your spouse.
Well, that kinda sounds like the kind of thing you might need to talk to your partner about. It’s not just gossip. And it sounds like your partner isn’t likely to tell anyone else either.
Let your Dad know that you couldn’t keep it secret from your partner though, just so that he knows who knows. Apologise for breaking your promise, but… well, it doesn’t sound like he’s in much of a position to chastise someone for not keeping their promises, anyway.
When my son told me he was going to propose to his girlfriend, he asked that I not tell a soul. So I didn’t. Of course, when he called my wife to tell her after he did so, he let it slip that he had told me some time ago that it was coming. I was in the doghouse for days. So I tell the kids, don’t tell me anything unless you want your mom to know too.
I think you should have told him, ‘‘Sorry, this is a big deal and I’m telling my partner,’’ so at least you could be honest. He might be pissed but he’d be even more pissed if he heard it from someone else.
I wouldn’t promise not to tell someone unless I knew that I could keep that promise. But if you don’t ask me to keep it a secret, my husband’s going to know your business. I think if you do want to tell someone, you should let the person know that their secret will be told to that specific person.
In my family, there is no real expectation of privacy. My grandmother will broadcast anything. So I just don’t tell her things I want to keep secret.
I think it was pretty crappy of your Dad to vent to you about it, because he has just transferred his stress onto you. He told you probably because he could bear it no longer and needed to get it out, but now he expects you to do the opposite. Not cool.
This sort of situation always depends on the circumstances under which the promise was made. Consider the following two scenarios:
Scenario 1
BangBang’s dad: “I have something I want to tell you, but if I do, you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
BangBang: “Not even my SO?”
BBD: “Nope.”
BB: “Okay, lay it on me.”
Scenario 2
BBD: “I’ve got something to tell you, and I know I can trust you. I’m having an affair.”
BB: “…what? Damn, man. Seriously?”
BBD: “You won’t tell anyone about this, right? Not even your SO?”
BB: “Um, yeah, sure, okay.”
After scenario 1, your word should be your bond, but I hold steadfast that you owe no obligation to the person in Scenario 2, which is pretty clearly what happened in your case.
People used to do this shit to me all the time, and I despise it. Ambushing someone with sensitive information, then relying on the social tendency to avoid direct confrontation (not to mention the shock and suddenness of the information itself) to coerce a spur-of-the-moment “promise” of silence, is a dick move of the highest caliber, and the dickishness of said move renders the promise null and void. Hell, even proper contract law undertands that a coerced agreement is no agreement at all.
