I consider myself a trustworthy person. It’s well known among my friends and family that I’m not the type to skip around town telling everyone and their iguana everything I hear, regardless of the interests involved; thus, I end up being the resident psychologist and/or sounding board for a lot of people. I actually enjoy listening to people and comforting them and giving them advice when they need it, and I appreciate that they would come to me to talk to, so if someone wants to keep something between us, I feel bound to respect that in all but the most exceptional circumstances.
Well, this reputation of mine has recently put me in an odd place with my SO. In the scandal of all recent scandals, his mom’s recently divorced live-in cousin (38) got pregnant with his (22-year-old, womanizing) best friend’s child, and for some reason she told me about it, and told me explicitly not to tell my SO. This was not a happy place for me. But, not being eager to break a promise or someone’s trust in me, I kept quiet. In the end, when she miscarried, everyone found out anyway and somehow my SO discovered that I had known for a long time. It’s been almost a month since all this happened, but he’s been bringing it up lately, making it obvious that he is hurt by the fact that I didn’t tell him.
What do you guys think about this? Did I do the right thing? Should I always tell him everything, unconditionally, just because he’s my SO? He seems to think so, but I’m not sure. I mean, we are separate, independent people with distinct personalities, and people see us as just that; thus, they may tell one of us something they wouldn’t tell the other or want the other to know, and I don’t know that just because we love each other we’re obligated to share every piece of gossip we’re told. I think he’d be at least somewhat more justified in being hurt that neither his best friend or his relative told him, being that they were direct parties to the situation and IMO the only ones who really had a right to go around talking about it. Am I breaking some unspoken rule of relationship conduct here? What would you expect of your SO? Honest opinions–don’t be afraid to offend me; I’m pretty tough.
Maybe you should tell him what you just said. That should open dialogue. Seems he should be hurt with them for not telling him. I understand both points of view but I do think a secret is a secret. If you told, it would cease to be a secret. Maybe his viewpoint regarding a secret is the reason why they chose not to tell him.
I think you were right not to tell, since you promised, but I can also see SO’s side of it.
I think the cousin was the most at fault. It is unreasonable to expect someone to keep a secret from a SO. Our family has a “resident psychologist” too, and whenever he senses that a conversation is about to become personal he reminds me (or whomever) that he does not and will not keep secrets from his wife. He doesn’t leave the table and holler at his wife, “Honey, Gwendee needs an operation!”, but if she says’“Gwen looked a little sad today. Did she say anything to you?” he will tell her.
I do wonder if on some level (the 8th grade level comes to mind) she was hoping that you would tell your SO who would tell his friend, etc.
FTR I do not need an operation. At least not one that I’m aware of.
Yeah, I wouldn’t put that past her, gwendee…her mind doesn’t appear to operate at a level much higher than that, most times.
Also, she is the type of person who loves to be the victim. If she has any reason to believe you have wronged her in any way, she will call you specifically to pick a fight and start drama. She lives for it.
IMO, anyone who knowingly and deliberately puts you in a situation like that doesn’t deserve to have their request honored. Whether you tell your SO, or not, is up to you. Different people feel differently about how much sharing is proper or desirable. But, she had no right to ask you to keep secrets from your SO. That’s the one relationship that should take precedence in such matters.
I natually assume that anytime I tell a “good friend” a “secret” about myself, or someone else, that if they are in a serious relationship, the SO will be told as well.
I would never ask a friend of mine to keep a secret from his/her SO. There are strains on every relationship, and I don’t want to be an additional one.
~J
