I consider myself a trustworthy person. It’s well known among my friends and family that I’m not the type to skip around town telling everyone and their iguana everything I hear, regardless of the interests involved; thus, I end up being the resident psychologist and/or sounding board for a lot of people. I actually enjoy listening to people and comforting them and giving them advice when they need it, and I appreciate that they would come to me to talk to, so if someone wants to keep something between us, I feel bound to respect that in all but the most exceptional circumstances.
Well, this reputation of mine has recently put me in an odd place with my SO. In the scandal of all recent scandals, his mom’s recently divorced live-in cousin (38) got pregnant with his (22-year-old, womanizing) best friend’s child, and for some reason she told me about it, and told me explicitly not to tell my SO. This was not a happy place for me. But, not being eager to break a promise or someone’s trust in me, I kept quiet. In the end, when she miscarried, everyone found out anyway and somehow my SO discovered that I had known for a long time. It’s been almost a month since all this happened, but he’s been bringing it up lately, making it obvious that he is hurt by the fact that I didn’t tell him.
What do you guys think about this? Did I do the right thing? Should I always tell him everything, unconditionally, just because he’s my SO? He seems to think so, but I’m not sure. I mean, we are separate, independent people with distinct personalities, and people see us as just that; thus, they may tell one of us something they wouldn’t tell the other or want the other to know, and I don’t know that just because we love each other we’re obligated to share every piece of gossip we’re told. I think he’d be at least somewhat more justified in being hurt that neither his best friend or his relative told him, being that they were direct parties to the situation and IMO the only ones who really had a right to go around talking about it. Am I breaking some unspoken rule of relationship conduct here? What would you expect of your SO? Honest opinions–don’t be afraid to offend me; I’m pretty tough.
That’s a difficult question. I probably would have done what you did. If it were a situation that would have directly affected your SO in some way, I might have told him, but in the case you describe, it wasn’t something that affected him directly in a personal way, it was more a question of curiosity and being “left out of the loop.”
I agree with ratatoskK. I probably would’ve done the same too.
Still, that was a lousy thing for your SO’s relative to do, putting you in that position. The SO’s relative should have his/her hand slapped, not you, for asking you to keep family secrets from your SO.
You made a promise to another person and you kept your word. You were honorable. Your SO is being dishonorable in his attempts at making you feel obligated to advise him of things you have sworn to keep secret and in making you feel guilty for keeping your word.
If he brings it up again, I suggest you say, “I am telling you this for the last time. I gave my word and I kept it. If you bring this up again you will be met with silence as I will no longer discuss it.”
For what it’s worth, if someone tells me something in confidence, I tell NO ONE, not even my spouse. We are separate people and he is not privvy to all of my coversations or any secrets that are told to me in confidence. You did the right thing and your SO cannot expect you to share everything you know about everyone with him just because he’s you’re SO.
Thanks for the honest responses, all–I’m dangerously close to being convinced that I was right after all, and my SO is being immature. Sure, he should have been told before I was, and I think it was pretty shitty of the relative to tell me and not him, but I don’t think it’s my fault she made that decision.
I guess part of the reason I feel guilty is that the relative is (no pun intended, heh) relatively psychotic and really doesn’t deserve half the respect I gave her. Still, when entrusted with confidential info, I make it a point not to play favorites.
Oh, and to anyone who’s noticed–yes, I am a dunce, for I have posted this thread twice. :smack:
Same here. My husband and I both have LiveJournals, but we’re not on all the same friends lists. There has been more than one occasion that one of us was privy to something the other was not, and we’ve both respected the confidence of the person who posted and didn’t share it with each other (there have been a couple of times when it was something I thought he could help with, and I asked the person if it was OK for me to show it to him). He knows stuff about mutual friends that I’d LOVE to know, but he won’t tell me because it would violate someone’s confidence, and I respect that. Partners do not have an automatic right to know everything.
I definitely think you did the right thing in not telling your SO. He is going to have to learn that he is not you, and that there is information you will keep from him.
Now, if a friend tells me some news–say that she’s pregnant (in a happy, non-soap-opera-scandal way!) and that she wants to keep it quiet for a few more weeks, I tell my husband. I’ll often check with the friend beforehand, too. But we know that when she tells me, she’s letting him know as well. I’m just not telling everyone else, in case something goes wrong, and because she should get that fun. There are other things I share with him and no one else, because there’s an understanding that I may do that without breaking confidentiality.
But with a lot of really sensitive things, I don’t tell my husband. (This actually happens a lot with church things for both of us, since we each work in different areas and are sometimes privy to information that is not for general knowledge, like who is broke/having marital problems/etc.) There are things I have never told him about friends of mine, and things he has never told me. We’ve been married 7+ years, FTR.
It’s a normal part of any relationship, and if your SO can’t get used to that, that’s a something of a red flag. Demanding that you tell him everything, esp. about other people, is not cool.
About giving her more respect than she deserves: it’s not about her, it’s about you. You gave your word. You can fell good that you held up your end, regardless of how awful a person she is.
I think you did the right thing. I would emphasize to your husband that the reason you couldn’t tell him was because it wasn’t your secret, not because you don’t trust him or don’t think he could keep his mouth shut. Your love and trust in him is why you tell him your secrets, but that can’t include the secrets of other people.
Wow, thanks for all the responses, guys. And thanks for ignoring my idiocy (posted this thread twice!! smoove, eh??) and talking to me anyway.
I agree with some of you in that there is kind of an unspoken expectation for people to spill their guts to their SOs; the more I think about it the more I’m like, ya know, if I wanted something kept a secret from anybody I certainly wouldn’t go around telling their SO.
…But, I donno, to me it still seems like gossipping!! Especially telling my boyfriend, who can never be content to just know something…he cannot keep his mouth shut about anything, ever. I know that if I had told him, he would immediately have run to the best friend and bitched that he hadn’t told him, who would have bitched at the cousin, who would have bitched at me.
…ugh; freakin’ small wonder I don’t watch soap operas! (damn, I need a pukey face smiley here.)
I feel you on that, Giraffe…excellent summation of my thoughts exactly.
