In this thread the OP shared a family secret she had agreed to keep mum where she was groped by an 80 year old uncle (in retrospect something she probably should not have agreed to keep secret) and was shocked and distressed when it spread out through the family and got back to the person to whom she had promised confidentiality (her aunt) in a somewhat mutated form where the elderly uncle was trying to rape her.
The OP was very shocked and put out that her confidences had been blabbed, and (per the OP) this has put a huge dent in her family relationships.
I have one person in my life, a female friend, (not a family member) with whom I have shared personal confidences, and I confident she would never blab them. I have also kept her secrets. Personally, I would never tell a family member anything and expect it to be kept confidential as there is too much stuff that can happen in family relationships and dramas that would cause them to spill. She is not impacted by my family issues and has no reason to be. But she is about it, and honestly there are some secrets I would never even tell her.
People blab like crazy, it’s our nature. Even professional secret keepers like therapists and doctors will blab about patients to their wives and peers. Some things really cannot be borne individually and we need counsel on them. What is your real world expectation when you share a secret with someone?
Don’t share a secret with anyone if you don’t want it to get around. The only person I can control is me (most of the time, anyway) - once I tell someone, it’s out of my control and I don’t expect other people to go against human nature and take it to their grave.
If it’s my mother, I assume she won’t hear 95% of it. The 5% she hears is likely to be wrong.
If it’s Middlebro, I know I won’t be able to tell him half of it before he starts giving me orders about it. He’s one of those people who gives you “advice” telling you what to do, even when talking about business that’s completely finished. I also know his wife will hear it as soon as he can tell her.
If it’s my sister in law… I don’t tell her secrets. She can’t stand me but does tell me, go figure.
If it’s my nephews (6 and 3yo), I know they’ll tell other relatives pretty fast. I tell them “secrets” when I want to make sure everybody hears the news.
If it’s Littlebro, I know he’ll keep it.
And so forth; there’s people I wouldn’t even tell the time of day to just because they’re so in love with their own “secrets” (which aren’t so hard to find out), others I know can keep a secret, others which I know can keep certain types of secrets but not others, etc.
The only ‘secrets’ I tell are those that I want broadcast as far and wide as possible, in the quickest way possible. Generally there is an office gossip who can be relied on to complete this task, provided that you tell her (this is almost always a woman - sometimes a man) something ‘in complete confidence’.
Mine depend on the person. I know my immediate family will not blab anything–we’re really big on that. I know that some of my friends may blab, but it doesn’t really matter because we’re not in the same social circles. (They intersect only at us.)
I also never expect someone to keep a secret if I haven’t told them it’s something I want them to keep secret. And I don’t share secrets about other people very often, unless I absolutely know you don’t gossip.
My mom tells me other peoples’ secrets all the time. She says she doesn’t tell mine to anybody else, but she’s a total fucking gossip and I don’t assume that she’s capable of keeping my secrets any more than she can keep my sister’s or my ex-stepdad’s or my aunt’s/uncle’s/cousin’s. My sister is a good secret-keeper, fortunately.
I have one friend I can tell anything and know she won’t blab. So if I have to get something off my chest, I go to her. Otherwise, if I don’t want the entire world to know I don’t tell anyone.
With my husband, he’s free to talk about my personal issues to the extent it helps him cope. If I specifically told him to keep 100% confidentiality about something, I expect that he would.
Anything I tell a friend I expect will be told to their significant other and nobody else.**
Anything told to my Grandmother I expect the entire family to know within 72 hours.
**I don’t think it’s fair or realistic to expect someone to keep something from their spouse.
I have two good friends, and I expect them to keep my confidences in secret, even from their husbands. I am the same way. My mother is another tight-lipped person. I trust my husband but I don’t tell him my friend’s confidences. My friends told me, not him.
However, there are things that nobody needs to know, and I am fairly sure I will take those to my grave. I am fine with that.
