FarrisGoldstein, get in here, you ignorant piece of shit

In this thread, started by zut, people were sharing stories about animals they unfortunately had to kill. I shared my story as well.

Enter FarrisGoldstein. He posts an anecdote of his own, ending it with the following words:

This caught my eye. I read it over a few times, but there was no way I could be mistaken. This guy is suggesting that his cat found out that he was moving 2 weeks beforehand. After hesitating for a bit - this is not the sort of thread to hijack, after all (but hey, we’re fighting ignorance here!) - I ask him a question:

Sure, there’s a little sarcasm in there, but I think most of you can see why. Given my sceptical nature, I find it very hard to believe that someone can talk with his cat. And I think most people must have thought that when they read Farris’ remark.

I will not make this into a giant C&P fest, I suggest you read the thread (or just the posts by either Farris or me).

I made a mistake to ask the question right there and then. I’ll admit to that, the thread did not deserve that. But in my defense, I was thinking of a quick question by me, and a quick answer by Farris. No real harm done, right?
Wrong. Farris doesn’t play like that, apparently. Let me try and list the things that Farris did wrong in that thread:

Suffice it to say that this kid does the following things wrong:

  1. Making a wild, unfounded statement (cats understand human languages and act accordingly);

  2. Making his shitty story up as he goes along (A. My cat found out I was moving away. B. I told my cat I was moving away. C. I never said I spoke English when I told my cat I was moving away. D. I never really sat the cat down and told him I was moving away. E. I don’t know how it works, but can can just tell this sort of thing.);

  3. Using profanity (even after I tell him it’s not appropriate in MPSIMS) and calling my arguments bullshit, meanwhile still producing zero proof for his deranged statements and getting more ad hominem by the post (All the while, I am remaining civil, rational, albeit increasingly annoyed with his rudeness and ignorance);

  4. Telling me not to talk about a science “I do not know” (Animal Behavioral Psychology, in this case), still while remaining silent regarding any PROOF based on said science;

  5. Completely disregarding a professional opinion (Michi’s, in this case) when it turns out to contradict his premises;

  6. After much profanity and unfounded bullshit, he calls ME a “snooty jerk” for asking him to clarify things;

  7. He goes off boasting about his twelve years of experience on “electronic message boards”, so he doesn’t need my lessons regarding where and what the Pit is (Let’s see… twelve years… his cat was hit by a car when he was 14, which he says was 6 years ago… a substantiated WAG: Farris was about 8 years old 12 years ago. I bet he was quite the FlameMeister. Also, I’m very curious as to which (if any) message boards 8-year-olds were frequenting back in 1988.);

  8. He ends it by calling me a “Petty motherfucker”. Yes, right there, in MPSIMS.
    So here we are, Farris. Go ahead, hit me with your best shot. Gimme all those 12 years of flaming experience. Tell me how dumb and unfounded I am. Tell me how inhumane I was for asking you a question in that thread. Tell us all why you completely ignored Michi’s opinion.

You can do all that, Farris.
Right after you give us some goddamn proof about the ability to understand human communication that cats supposedly have.

If you think you don’t need to, if you think it’s quite OK to go about shouting dumb unfounded shit like this, only to explode in wild bursts of anger and profanity when anybody calls you on it, please read the following well-meant advice:

This board is not for you. We generally back up our statements here. Also, we tend to keep things civil outside the Pit. If all of this is too much for you to do, please piss the hell off and start posting at http://www.italktocatsandimok.com immediately.

You’re one of the dumbest and rudest people I have encountered on these boards, Farris. Now, show us you’ve got a pair. Post the proof, or at the very least, defend your course of action in the thread quoted above.

God-fucking-damn, I hate it when simple exchanges turn into heated arguments.

Sheesh, Farris, if you ever read this… don’t get so defensive, okay? Saying that you talk to your cat is a little outrageous. If you don’t want to take flak for it, don’t post outrageous comments, man.

And Coldie… go easy. He loves his cat.

he may love his cat but I want to know, does he love his cat?

I’m sure he loves his cat. So what? He still has to behave like everybody else.

Sorry Coldy, its a joke from a comedy series called Fr. Ted.

anyway, I’m pretty sure its possible to do a human-feline mind meld expressly for the purpose of telling them that your moving house. Hell, I do it every Thursday.

I don’t need to mind-meld with my cat. See, I’ve got this parakeet that can read the future. So by the time I’m trying so mind-meld with my cat, he usually says “Don’t bother, Tweety already filled me in”.

Coldfire says:

Ah, finally we get the secret to Coldfire’s success as an investment banker. Hey Coldie - what does the bird say about NASDAQ next week? :wink:

Good one Coldfire!

Now THIS is satire.
Funniest damn flame war I’ve ever read.
Thanks to both of you!


Apart from a few jokes later on in this thread, I’m dead serious about the OP, okatym. Sarcasm, maybe. No satire, though.

Apparently, quite a number of people think their cats understand everything they say. A friend of mine was cat-sitting for a neighbor. When the neighbor came home a day later than she had told the cat to expect her, the cat (Valentino) was very angry, which he demonstrated by crapping all over the house. Yes, Valentino not only knew what day she was expected back, but he also was apparently checking off the days on his little cat calendar. (Of course, he could have just been angry that no one had checked on him for a full day, since his owner came back a day later than she told my friend, so of course, she didn’t feed him or anything).

Valentino apparently also gets miffed when his mommy spends too much time talking on the telephone.

When I came back from my first semester at college, my cat ignored me for a full day–she seemed to be pretty pissed about my disappearance. However, she didn’t know I was leaving beforehand (I must have forgotten to tell her) and she treated me quite well until I left.

My cats do listen to my problems, but they don’t usually provide any good advice. Good listeners, lousy problem-solvers.

OMG, I just pee’d my pants laughing!

"Here kitty kitty, mama’s got something to tell you. . . ".

Ahhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Snort HA HA HA HA HA!!!


Those new cat-sized Paw Pilots have a handy date reminder. It was probably that.

Coldy, if this was a cartoon, there would be dollar signs in my eyes now…
Now Presenting!!!

John+Coldy’s Animatalkers!!!

Yes, for a small nominal fee, we’ll talk to your animals using our patented human animal mind meld!!

If you cant trust us, who can you trust???!!???

Results Guarenteed!!

disclaimer: Results not Guarenteed. John+Coldy’s are huckster Charlatans. This does not affect your Statutory rights.

Coldfire, I think you need to bear the brunt of the blame on this one.

You clamped onto an aside in a post in MPSIMS, for God’s sake, and demanded a scientific explanation. Had Farris posted this in GQ or GD, where factual support is king, you’d have been well within your rights to tear him a new asshole.

But you’ve been around long enough to know that MPSIMS is not really one of the Straight Dope’s Ignorance-Fighting battlefields. It’s the break room where people go to bullshit and talk out of their asses once in a while. If you make it you mission to challenge every poster in MPSIMS who raises a scientifically unrpoven theory, you’re going to have your hands full. For example:

Here, Homer claims to have had premonitions about his own death, even though clairvoyance has no scientific validity. A dozen other posters jump in to talk about premonitions of their own.

In this thread, several posters claim to hvae seen UFO’s. While most of them skeptically dismissed their own sightings, at least a few did not. But nobody demanded proof from them that what they had seen had extraterrestrial origins.

More UFO stories, plus ghosts and other assorted stuff here. In fact, this thread starts with a short discussion about how MPSIMS isn’t the place for demanding factual proof, but just a forum to talk about things informally.

Here are several threads about horroscopes. Again, several posters express doubts, but no one calls anyone on the carpet to prove that astrology is scientifically valid.

I think just about everyone on this board will agree with you that you can’t simply speak to an animal and have it understand you. But your tenacity in demanding proof from Farris is not really within the spirit of MPSIMS, and I think he had a right to feel a bit oppressed by you. As I read it, Farris twice responded to your inquiries with dimissive jokes

Coldfire: How did your cat know?
Farris: Because I told him.

Coldfire: Cats don’t speak English.
Farris: Who said it was English?

Sorry, Coldfire, but Farris was just coyly deflecting your hijack of a thread that was all about emotional connection with animals, and not at all about cold, hard facts. You earn a “whoosh” for missing that one. And then you earn the blame by escalating your dispute from there on out. Yes, Farris rose to the bait with expletives, but my disinterested view of things is that you were the one who picked the fight.

In summary, at least when it comes to stuff said in MPSIMS, I quote the immortal Sgt. Hulka from the seminal 1981 film Stripes:

“Lighten up, Francis.”

I’m not a Charlatan, I’m a Visionary. You mortals just don’t see what lies ahead. In ten years time, your dog will send you a grocery list per e-mail. And if you don’t get the right Bonzo flavour, he’ll join an Angry Dog Protest Group.

Good points and research, but Fenris did start back on Coldy, asking him to prove his points, and calling coldys arguments rediculous. Coldy did start it, but Fenris made it serious.

Thanks for your elaborate response, Nurlman. I appreciate your research. You’re partially right: it wasn’t the right place for such a discussion, as I already stated in the OP and in the thread at hand. My mistake entirely.

It does not excuse the further course of events, though, especially not on Farris’ behalf. The things you rate as “dismissive jokes” were certainly not interpreted like that by me. Apparently, judging by the tone of his further responses, they weren’t meant so by Farris either.

So yeah, I am certainly to blame for a wonderful (yet sad) MPSIMS thread gone to hell. But I don’t think I was out of line in the resulting debate itself, and that’s what this is mostly about.

Furthermore, I personally classify things like horoscopes, UFO’s, paranormal activity and such under the same category as I classify religion: you either believe it, or you don’t. Most of the times, there is no proof, and there never will be. Attacking people about belief in UFO’s is only valid when they post bogus proof (think Krispy Original).

The topic at hand does not fall into that category. As Farris himself stated, there IS such a thing as Animal Behavioral Psychology. And to my knowledge, this science has yet to come up with proof of any animal understanding any human language on a level that exceeds contitional behaviour (i.e. you can teach a dog to “sit!” because you reward him for doing so, not because he understands the word itself).

These are matters of fact, not belief. That is why asking him for proof was appropriate. Even in MPSIMS, albeit poorly timed in the thread at hand.

Coldfire, you give this little vole too much credit - who says he could even find The Pit, let alone have the cajones to retard your flames?


was it really the original ridiculous statement that got you going, or was it the fact that such riiculous statements were made to incur empathy and shift attention away from the OP to him (or her?).

And you think he is WEIRD???
The psycho wing nut on Opals board (claims to be married to the berlin wall) has an email address for her DEAD CAT!

On this page, at the bottom, is a list of emails… one of them is for ‘busan’ her dead cat.

Sooooo, if this guy wants to talk to his cat - let him… at least he isnt clotting up cyberspace with a cat-email!