This video is making the rounds online now. It’s a video of a dad getting a bit physical with his son about his supposed gang membership. Seems the general sentiment is that this is an example of a dad dealing out tough love and he’s being applauded. I’m curious what the SDMB view is. (Warning, its fairly intense if you didn’t grow up this way. Very strong language too)
This is a dad doing what he needs to do, probably to save his sons life. I say he got “a bit physical” with him because it’s only a couple slaps and, IMHO, they were central to the lesson he was trying to teach, not blows in anger, though he was clearly angry. He actually seemed close to tears at the end. I got alot worse than this for alot less from my dad when I was a kid.
The video aspect? Yeah, I can see why some may think that’s where he went wrong, but I think that was also necessary. He seemed to be genuine in trying to communicate to the gang that they aren’t taking his son. At the same time he was embarrassing his son publicly, which is probably necessary in this case as well.
This guy is an abusive fuckhead. We can also clearly see what kind of house the kid grew up in, and how that may have led him to a gang - you know, the lessons that he is powerless and weak. Thanks dad! And taping it, just for that added humiliation factor? A total asshole motherfucker.
Seriously, fuck that guy. I hope his son finds someone, somewhere, in his life that can teach him that people you love don’t hurt you, and there are ways out other than gangs.
There’s just too much that I don’t know. I mean, the father seems kind of righteous, but maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s one of these guys who plays up how active he is in his kids’ life, but really he’s not a real presence…and as soon as the camera stops rolling, he’s going to go back to not being a real presence. And maybe the boy really isn’t trying to be gangsta and his father misinterpreted what all those emails were about.
But assuming that the father really is upstanding and the boy really was trying to join a gang, I can’t get outraged over a couple of slaps. Even though they are cringe-worthy and I feel sorry for the kid and I generally hate the “Look at how much of a hard-ass parent I am” social media whoring.
Well, the obvious obstacle being a large, angry father who is willing to get physical to prevent his son from joining a gang. I imagine the bangers are going to think twice before trying to pry that kid into their group…
Haha! You think a typical gangbanger is going to give a shit about the dad? Maybe if the dad was The Rock, but not that guy. Gangbangers are generally teenagers, who are basically insane. Dads don’t matter much, and if the kid tells them the stories of how his dad is an asshole who hits him, then he’s a Bad Guy.
When I was a kid I started getting into trouble - vandalism, shoplifting, skipping school, things like that. When I got caught stealing my dad gave me a beating. He hit me in the head so hard that I fell backwards with enough force to knock over furniture. He told me to get up, which I did, then he hit me again with the same result.
I got worse, I started breaking into houses and cars. When I got caught doing that, my parents, in an extremely rare moment of wisdom, sat me down and said “we’re not going to punish you. We’re wiping the slate clean. Nothing you’ve done will be held against you. Please stop what you’re doing”.
Guess what? I never got into trouble again. That was the turning point in my life of crime. Not being beaten and humiliated, just being treated with some compassion and understanding.
How about you explain to me how this helps? Kids who join gangs are usually coming from familes and situations where they have no power. How does this address his feelings of powerlessness? Even the most fancy living teenage boy has issues with power, and that’s ten fold in a situation where gangs are considered a rational choice to a teen.
Also, do you see the possible connection between his father’s treatment of him and his willingness to join a gang? That’s the kid’s opinion of violence and anger were formed years ago by this very man who’s slapping him around?
What would I do? Well, it’s far too late when the kid is this old, but if this became a reality somehow, I would move. I would give head on a corner to get the money to get out of a place where gangs are considered a normal part of life. But given the chance to start from the beginning, you keep kids out of gangs by using education, communication, understanding and respect. Hitting, yelling and then posting it publicly are the opposite of those things.
I am no fan of cultural relativism. Hitting your children is bad. Your parents, if they hit you, are bad people. It needs to end, because it doesn’t work, and leads to worse outcomes.
I am asking these questions not because I disagree but because I want to know more:
What was the causal psychological link between being hit and getting worse?
Why do you think your parents were able to switch their approach as opposed to just hurting you more? I get the impression that most people who correct their kid that hard will just hit harder if hitting didn’t work last time.
What would they have done if, after having the slate wiped clean, you had continued to misbehave?
If you had continued to misbehave after having the slate wiped clean, what do you think would have been effective in changing your behavior?
It was just so different and unexpected that it had a profound effect on me. I didn’t want to waste the chance.
I don’t know but I think it was my mom. They had gone through it all with my brother. He ended up in Juvie eventually. I think my mom was able to get my dad to listen for a minute that hitting us doesn’t work.
Oh I think terrible things would have happened if I’d kept it up.
That’s more-or-less what I think, and I voted the second option for that reason. It’s hard for me to have perspective because I grew up in neighborhood and time (although it was only the 80s), where physical punishment was normal (and more than just a slap across the face.) Not the style I’m going to raise my kid(s) in, but I just can’t get outraged about this video.
I couldn’t even watch the whole thing. Up to the first slap, and then I stopped it. All I saw was a young, scared, confused kid, who’s father is doing nothing to try to actually communicate with him, who then smacked him in the head.
It made my stomach feel queasy, quite honestly, and it’s also the saddest thing I’ve seen in years.
I’d like to know where this is. (I haven’t watched it yet.) There are a lot of misconceptions about how present-day gangs operate. In certain parts of Chicago, you’re basically in one by virtue of what block you’re on, whether you want to be or not. It’s not a formal process like it was 20 years ago.
If that’s the case, slapping your kid clearly isn’t going to do much good.
This is not reality. Maybe for some but not for most. Most of the worst behaving teenagers behave the way they do because their parents allow them to. They have TOO much power/say TOO early in their lives. So they just do whatever the fuck they want. Most gang members from my neck of the woods (Chicagoland) were not gang members because it gave them the close cuddles they were missing at home. They were in gangs because of the sense of power they got from being in a group.
Well that’s not an answer is it. The kid is this old. It’s happening now. That is what the dad is dealing with right now.
Sure you would. :rolleyes:
I agree with this for the most part.
It’s the opposite of those things because it’s not “the beginning”. It’s happening. Right now.
I got spanked for alot of stuff growing up. I got the belt on severe occasions. I got punched by my dad on one occasion. None of those messed me up and I’m quite a successful and well adjusted adult.
With that said I don’t spank my kids, though I will if it’s called for. I don’t spank them for breaking stuff, cursing, lying, stealing, fighting, talking back, cheating, bad grades. None of that stuff. But I will spank them if they put themselves or someone else in physical danger. There are times when there is no time for a lecture or heart to heart.:
The stove is hot, don’t touch it. (reach) Don’t touch it. (reach). No words are getting through. No timeout is working. Slap the hand or smack the ass to avoid the burn.
(Kicks cat). Stop hitting the cat thats not nice. (kicks cat). Go to your room/stool/corner. Later that day… runs across the room and kicks the cat. This goes on for weeks. Clearly not listening and feels there is no consequence. Time to make the consequence more clear.
Don’t stick that in the outlet! Don’t stick that in the outlet!
I think the gang thing is in that pile. If he thinks his kid is putting his life in danger RIGHT NOW then he probably feels like he needs to course correct him RIGHT NOW. Is it for sure the right decision? No, but this is IMHO so it doesn’t have to be.
Posting the video crosses the line. On the rest, I don’t know. At the end he threatens to break the kid’s jaw. That crossed the line too, even if it was hyperbole. I’m sympathetic to the father, in this instance, but I can’t help but wonder if he’s abusive, in general.