Maybe you should start small. Next time you and your father get into a tangle of code-switching, casually ask him which was harder for him - learning English or learning nuclear engineering..Whichever answer he gives, ask him for an example of the hardest thing about it. With a little luck he’ll provide an anecdote and you can ask about a detail in the story.
It’s like peeling an onion; you’ll have to go through a lot of layers to get to the juicy part.
First, really appreciate the detailed reply. BTW, for context, I learned Mandarin at the University of California, first moved to Taiwan in 1982, and 1985 to mainland China. 22 years in China, HK and Taiwan total since then, Shanghaiese wife, kids all born and years in Shanghai. I’ve lived the progression from Taipei having rice fields in what is now the city center (敦化南路), the morphing of strict Taiwanese vs Mainlanders into a multi-cultural and intermarriage society, and progress from a 3rd world country with great infrastructure and pretty clean air.
Second, where the hell is he from? Like anywhere else in the US or the world, people are different based on where they grew up. And in China, that means the native language one speaks. Ask him 老家在哪里？That is the window into his soul. Seriously. That clue will help you unpack an awful lot of stuff. You might even suggest a Kunta Kinte visit back to the home village. [My experience of visiting my father in law’s tiny ass village in Hubei Province as a) awesome, b) made me fall in love with my Shanghaiese wife all over again, and c) seriously enlightening to his journey.
Third, obviously he’s a mainlander (外生人）but travelled a non-traditional path going from China to the US to Taiwan as a serious professional. He’s proud of swimming with the sharks in America, and it is no small achievement (especially for that day and age).
Fourth, is your mother a native Taiwanese that speaks Taiwanese （闽南话或者客家话或者山地话)? There’s a whole multi-cultural journey that entails.
Feel free to PM me if that might be helpful.
Net net, I would highly encourage learning about where he grew up, the challenges, the journey, and especially call out that you would absolutely LOVE to go to the old country （老家）with him before it’s too late.
Hi Reply. When a friend got cancer (now succesfully treated) he asked me to shoot an interview-style video of him. I believe he was aiming it toward his children, most of whom are estranged from him in varying degrees. He’s a ragged artist type with a good sense of humor, so rather different than your dad, but video might offer a palatable way to discuss the important events of your father’s life. He might not want to open up to his son in casual conversation, but might be interested in a more formal accounting of his time on earth.
A few years ago, as a Christmas gift, my adult daughter gave me a subscription to a service called
Storyworth. The Storyworth folks sent me one question every week for 52 weeks, and I would periodically email to them my answers to each the questions. Examples include:
…and 45 more.
Here’s the best part: A year later, they send you a very nice, hardcover book that contains all the questions and your answers in chapter form. You title the book whatever you want, and it includes any and all photos that you have submitted with your answers.
This is something that, I’m sure, will be passed on to all future generations. My grandkid’s grandkids will know me very well.
Now, I suspect your father may not be on board with everything involved in producing such a book. However, you could use the questions as talking points, perhaps even recording his answers and submitting them yourself for publication.
Good luck!
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