Favorite bits of comedy dialog

Post favorite bits of dialog that got you laughing–from movies, TV, recorded comedy routines, wherever; try to keep them short; and if possible, don’t rely on four-letter words for the laughs…

CLAYTON: “I call [to the stand] the lovely Gretchen Kraus!”
BENSON “I object, Your Honor–counsel is deluding the witness!”

American History–II-B (The Smothers Brothers)

Tommy: This is a poem–written by one of America’s most beloved pomists.
Dickie: What did you say?
T: One of America’s most beloved pomists!
D: That isn’t right! You know the word isn’t “pomist”!
T: No, I don’t!
D: But I’m trying to give an introduction to a serious song! So why do you do that?
Tommy, if you don’t know the word, don’t speak up and make a fool of yourself, ask!
T: What is the word for someone who writes poems?
D: It’s a poet writer!
T: Poet writer? Boy, you’re as dumb as I am! It’s a good thing I didn’t say a couple of other words I had in mind!
D: All right. The word is “poet.” Now USE it!
T: This is a poem–serially. Written by one of America’s most beloved poets–the wonderful Jack Freeze.
D: Frost!
T: Jack Frost!

Duets (Victor Borge with Leonid Hambro)
I don’t know if YOU [Hambro] know about it–but Mr. [Leonard] Bernstein won an award–for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky–to Igor Stravinsky!

This was a hell of a lot funnier in 1961, but…

Michael Flanders: “None of this going around saying ‘No smoke without a fire.’ Nil combustibus pro fumo.”

And who not of our generation is even going to get this at all?

For me, there’s the entire "Why a duck?’ routine. Or “Swordfish” for that matter.

And, of course, “The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon. The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true.”

Is that movie (The Court Jester) available on DVD? :slight_smile:

Yes. Google for it, though, instead of going straight to amazon.

Although certainly not a comedy show, this was a great bit from the old cop show “Hill Street Blues.”
Detective LaRue was telling his partner, Detective Washington, that he (LaRue) was going to date a beautiful high school girl visiting the police station on a class tour. Washington drily and deliberately said, "I’ve got 3 words for you, J.D: Statue Tory Rape. "

It was all in the delivery. :smiley:

That line is pretty much my ONLY memory from Hill Street Blues (I wasn’t watching a lot of TV in the 80s).

Favorites? Too many classic ones:

—“Who’s on First” by Abbott and Costello (fullest in “Naughty Nineties”)

–Tootsie Frootisie Ice Cream, from A Day at the Races, Groucho and Chico Marx

–The Contract Signing from A Night at the Opera , Groucho and Chico Marx

– The Argument Clinic, \Monty Python

The stoning scene from Life of Brian

etc etc

But really you could pick almost any scene from that film and the dialoge is great.

This is one of my favorite Monty Python sketches. You really have to watch it all to get the humor, but one notable excerpt:

Splendid sort of word.”
“No, dear - nibbling the hoops.”
Rifle shot

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It’s called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!

Number Two: Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I’ve been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin’ bone here! I’m the boss! Need the info.

Dr. Evil: Okay, no problem. Here’s my second plan. Back in the 60’s, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a “laser.” Using these “lasers,” we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the “Ozone Layer.” Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.

Number Two: That also already has happened.

Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let’s just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here’s the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for… ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

***A Shot in the Dark ***(1964) with Peter Sellers:

*“In both cases, the room was locked from the inside. In both cases, the only two people in the room were Maria Gambrelli and the murder victim. In both cases, Maria Gambrelli was found standing over the murder victim holding the murder weapon in her hand. What is the obvious conclusion?”

“Maria Gambrelli is guilty.”

“You FOOL! Can’t you see she is PROTECTING someone?”*

Trivia question: Who was the girl (Kristen, “a mature 16-year-old” who rubbed “secretions from queen bees” on her skin) in question?

Ally Scheedy

“Captain, how soon can you land?”
“I can’t tell.”
“You can tell me; I’m a doctor.”
“No, I mean I’m just not sure.”
“Can’t you take a guess?”
“Well, not for another two hours.”
“You can’t take a guess for another two hours?”

With jokey delivery it’d be clichéd – but dueling-straight-man-deadpan is nuts.

And don’t call me Shirley.

Battle Pope:

Specifically this one, an all-time favorite of mine:

Brian: Listen to me! You are all individuals!
Crowd: Yes, Brian! We are all individuals!
Single voice: I’m not!

Night Court is one of my all-time favorite sitcoms. I can probably think of a dozen great comedy exchanges that would fit this thread, here are a few:

Harry: Bull, how could you lose a dead Japanese industrialist?
Bull (sheepishly): He outsmarted me, sir.
Harry: Outsmarted you? Bull, a corpse is a corpse!
Dan: Of course, of course.

(in a hospital, Dan lies in a coma and Christine is trying to revive him with sexually suggestive talk. A morgue attendant, who in a running gag, comes to see “if he’s done yet” walks in on them)
Christine: It’s not what you think, I’m not a pervert.
Morgue attendant: Eh, pervert, prude, it’s not my job to label people. (holds up a toe tag and smiles) Oh, wait, it is!

(Christine is about to give birth in a stuck elevator. Mac, looking for a medical book, runs into her husband, Tony, who was a cop just back from a long-term undercover mission and had never been told of the pregnancy)
Tony: How’s Sullivan? I haven’t seen her for about ten months.
Mac: Nine.
Tony: Was it only none? Are you sure about that?
Mac: Oh, yeah, I’m sure.

<comedian makes a joke involving the alleged large size of the penises of black men’s>

"You know, I’ve never had a black man stand up in the audience and say "That’s racist!"

An exchange between a human, and elf and a dwarf in a webcomic:

Human: <sneers> “Hey elf, you look like a girl.”

Elf: <sneers back> “To a human, everything must look like a girl.”

Human: “What?”

Elf: “Half-orcs, half-ogres…”

Human: “… shut up.”

Dwarf: “Half-dragons, half-kobolds.”

Human: “I said shut up!”




Elf: “Centaurs.”

A Criminal Minds suspect who was a necrophilic working in a morgue: Haven’t you ever had the urge to crack open a cold one?

The woman who demanded fresh chickens would have been my answer.

John Cleese’s “meteor the size of North Carolina” scene in Rat Race.

This is the best comedy routine of all time. I also like Jimmy Fallons version with Billy Crystal annd Jerry Seinfeld when Jerry comes out and basically takes the sting out of the joke, “Look, this fellas actual name is who, w-h-o.”