“Was that you I found when I was cleaning the bottom of my shoes?”
“When I want an asshole’s opinion, I’ll fart.”
“If I wanted any shit out of you, I’d squeeze your head.”
From Brother Dave:
“Boy, I’m gonna hit you so haaard, you gon’ hum like a ten-penny finishin’ nail been hit by a greasy ball peen hammer !”
Heyyy! You’re having a good day; your socks match !
We used to use this in D&D to indicate we were doing nothing of value that round. When the DM asks “what are you doing”, answer “switching thumbs”.
OK, a few additions - you’ll notice that I like the subject to participate in their humiliation:
[li]When using the method we refer to as ‘The Right Way’…[/li][li][Extending hand as if to slap] Could you lean into this,please?[/li][li]You know what you and a 40-watt bulb have in common? (A: Both pretty dim)[/li][li]You know what you and the planet Mercury have in common? (A: The densest objects in the solar system)[/li][li]What’s that song the Scarecrow sings in the Wizard of Oz? (A: If I only had a brain…)[/li][li]You know how to keep an idiot in suspese? (If they don’t catch on and ask “How?”, answer “I’ll tell you later.”)[/li][li]Do you have hands? Do you have a brain? Are you smarter than a monkey?[/li][/ul]
Share and enjoy!
From Fawlty Towers:
I’m fed up with you, you rancorous coiffeured old sow. Why don’t you syringe the doughnuts out of your ears and get some sense into that dormant organ you keep hidden in that rat’s maze of yours?
Do you really believe in your wildest dreams that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging, Brilliantine, stick-insect like yourself?
Anax, I like the ‘stupid flakes’.
Here’s one I like: That feller’s just a waste of skin.
From childhood: When God passed out brains, you musta thought he said rain and hid under a cabbage leaf.
RE: “And my Grandfather’s favorite: ‘you couldn’t teach a cat to shit in a box’.”
I work in public administration, and here’s a couple of my supervisor’s favourites:
“That guy couldn’t deliver a pork chop to a starving rottweiler,” or
“That guy couldn’t manage a dog at a fire hydrant.”
RE: “May you get a disease and have it named after you”
Lou Gehring must have seen that one coming a mile off.
Oh, shit, I forgot:
“That guy couldn’t coordinate a one car parade.”
Red Dwarf: You’re a cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity.
“The very fact that you passed him over means that my one goal in life is to shove sausages down your throat and shove starving dogs up your ass.”
“I’ve had an ex-girlfriend tell me that I’m a ‘cumload that should have been swallowed’”
both of these I got somewhere on the board, but I forgot to write down the author… so if anyone know who said them and wants credit…
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits
He couldn’t find his ass with a flashlight and a map
Dumber than a box of rocks
You know, I can explain this to you all day, but I can’t understand it for you.
[sub]I know I didn’t invent that, but I can’t recall where I first heard it.[/sub]
Is it possible for you to get this through your head without the use of powertools, or should I just break out the drill and jackhammer?
Were you born this stupid, or did you have to work at it?
Tell me who helped you get dressed and leave the house this morning so I can slap him for inflicting you on my day.
Not particularly inventive, but short and to the point:
Why have you come to my planet?
You shirtless hobo!
I made this one up on the spot today while standing around with a bunch of military guys talking smack before final formation: “You know, you’re talking so much shit that I’d swear you have your trousers on upside down.”
My favorite Bird of Paradise insult: “May the Bird Of Paradise fly you to Hawaii and drop you in a volcano.”
A few for those with amazingly inaccurate aim:
“You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn from the inside.”
“You couldn’t hit the ocean from the beach.”
From someone’s sig on this board (sorry, can’t remember who):
“He couldn’t find his ass with both hands, a map, and an ass-finding compass.”
Hey listen schmendrick, at least I’m not an inept non-entity. —James Tate
I remain very fond of this one, which I remember chortling at in a usenet slapdown some years back:
And this bit, which memory suggests was a line delivered by Bob Newhart in one of his umpty shows: “Boy, if we could harness the mental energy here, we could…toast some bread. Lightly.” And, “People really fool you sometimes by walking upright.”
“As we say in Texas, you couldn’t pour piss from a boot if the directions were printed on the heel”
He wears supervisor’s boots; you know, the kind with instructions written on the heel.
Has the proctologist found your head yet?
“He couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse if he had a bag of bananas.”