Favorite Creative Insults?

Another from Red Dwarf (a bit harsh) : “Stop your foul whining you filthy piece of distended rectum!”

Some of the best are from Blackadder :
“thick as a whale omelette”
“A chat with you and death loses its sting”
“The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he?”
“He’s about as effective as a catflap in an elephant house”
And, my favourite (more of a threat than an insult) : “Will our valued friendship end with me cutting you into long strips & telling the Prince that you walked across a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?”

I was once called upon to give a reference for a former cow-orker.

I said, with the following emphasis:

No one would be better for this job than cow-orker.

Think about it.

From a joke website, supposedly true employee reviews:

-This lady suffering from delusions of adequacy.
-He has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
-This employee is not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t-be’.
-When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
-He would be out of depth in a parking lot puddle.
-He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier
-If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
-It’s hard to believe that he beat the other million sperm to the egg.

Excellent Chinese insult:

Fan ton: Rice bucket

Someone who is a waste of food, is called a “rice bucket.”

If you moved his plate six inches, he’d starve.

You think you’re witty. You are half right.

Couldn’t find sand if he fell off a camel.

Of course, there’s always the old standar, “I refuse to fight a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent”…



The ones we use in our family - only for non-family members, though, as we are immune to them at this stage, having all manner of shiny ripostes at our beck and call:

I see your charisma bypass was a success
So, when did you get back from charm school?
Are there no mirrors in your house?

I read this one in a book called “Snaps”:

“If brains were money and battleships cost a nickel he couldn’t make a down payment on a canoe.”

A box of stupid rocks.

an all-time favorite from the James Garner incarnation of the TV show “Maverick”:

“if brains was leather, he couldn’t saddle a bug.”

no doubt a variation on the classic:

“if brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.”

a classic from another group i belong to:

‘“People are worth more than furbies”. (This is a generalization, of course. I know one or two who are possibly deep in debt to the universe for the oxygen they consume.) – Jane’

and regarding a particularly obnoxious clueless-newbie:

“I see the seeds of etiquette have found barren ground here…”

Brace yourself:

In the original Afrikaans:
Jy was uit jou ma se gat gebore want se poes was te besig!

Roughly translated into English it means:
You were shat out of your mother’s asshole because her vagina was too busy to accomodate you.

A few milder ones that I like are:
Going through life pushing doors marked ‘pull’.
Good frame of mind but alas no picture.


[Lemony Snicket]


[/Lemony Snicket]

Foghorn Leghorn once said, “She’s a nice girl, but she’s about as dumb as a sack of wet mice.”

“About as sharp as” wasn’t it?

He’s got the IQ of a jar of mayonnaise.

Dunno where I heard this one:

“He’s got the intelligence of a kumquat.”


‘I would argue with you but you will only drag me down to your level of stupidity where you will invariabley beat me through experince’

If we put your brain in the skull of a fly, it would rattle around like a BB in a shoebox.