I guess this is a little wierd, but my daughter loves insults. Creative ones, that is. Go stick your head in a bucket, hit twice with the ugly stick, back of the line when the brains were handed out, your mother wears army boots… all that good stuff.
Trouble is, her appetite is outstripping my memory. And creativity. Even cheating a little and bowdlerising some rather non-G-rated ones (“go have a nice steaming cup of shut up!”).
So come on guys. Insult me! In a family-friendly way, naturally…
Your mother wears Army boots, WITHOUT socks!
You’re so ugly, they haven’t invented the word yet that says how ugly you are.
You’re not as stupid as you look. You really couldn’t be.
It wouldn’t be fair for me to get into a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.
Your elevator doesn’t go to the top.
You’re a sandwich shy a picnic.
You’re not playing with a full deck.
Up your nose with a rubber hose!
You’re not the brightest bulb on the marquee, are you?
When brains were handed out, you were at the front of the line–but you held the door for everybody else.
Your not as bright as you thought you were, that’s why you weren’t called son
I know you had an opinion, but until air becomes visible, I can’t see yours
Nuff said, Please don’t talk to the hand, its not as patience as I am.
You’re a scratch and dent brownie on clearance at a jerry’s kid’s bake sale.
Shut up when you’re talking to me.
Go take a long walk off a short dock
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits
Your looks are out of this world! (Well, at least they’re unearthly…)
Were you always this stupid or did you take lessons?
From the backwoods section:
You’re lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut.
She ran thru the ugly forest and didn’t miss a tree. Your butt is so smart you could sit on ice cream and tell me what flavor it is.
(To a man): “That’s a nice shirt. Do they sell men’s clothes where you bought it?”
“What a maroon”
“What a nincowpoop”
“ahhh, your brother blows bubblegum”
-Bugs Bunny
“That boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball”
“He’s about as sharp as a bowl of jello”
-Foghorn Leghorn
Would any of these Captain Haddock’s insults from the Tintin books work?
If I had a dog half as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.
Your teeth are like stars–they come out at night!
If you’re going to sing, sing by the window. I’ll help you out.
You are dumber than a box of hair
Your grandfather was a rabid weasel and your grandmother was a over ripe mushroom
You could not pour water out of your boots with the instruction written on the heel
You are several frys short of a happy meal
You’re face is so ugly you scare ghosts
from Monty Python
Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries
You smell strange and your mother dresses you funny
You are a pimple on the face of humanity
You’re uglier than the north side of a south going horse
Go get lost and forget to come back
You smell like the dried sop stuck to a pigs ear
May forty ships laden with gold sail into your harbor, and may it not be enough to pay your doctor bill.
Hey, nice face. How many clocks did it stop today?
Subtle group insult, stolen from Roxanne: “I’d just like to say that I would rather be here with you people, than with the finest people in the world.”