Did you mother have any children that lived?
You are so ugly your mum had to tie sausages around your neck to get the dog to play with you.
You are so ugly, when you were born the doctor slapped your mother
They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
They’re a couple of sheep/cows/kangaroos short in the top paddock
They’re a stubbie short of a sixpack.
You couldn’t organise a booze up in a brewery.
You’re a dumb as a box of hammers/box of rocks
You’re as thick as two bricks/two planks
Borrowed from Carnac the Magnificent:
May Omar the Tentmaker ply his trade in your nose.
May an unclean yak sit on your dinner.
May a collie with an upset stomach change the color of your seat cushions.
May a camel with a weak bladder find your jellybean jar.
May a weird holy man put Easy-Off in your shorts.
Dumber than a bag of wet hammers.
Crazier than a gay ferret in a pink blender
Three cans short of a six pack.
Lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.
You slack-jawed, toffey nosed, malodorous pervert!
If my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.
With a face like that, who needs enemies?
Go lick a politician!
They say you’re as stupid as you’re strong, but nobody’s that strong.
Your mother hunted truffles by scent.
You were born twins, Mom said drown the dumb one and Daddy blew it.
Hey, you guys rock!
(no, wait, that’s not right…)
If brains were gasoline, you wouldn’t have enough to power an ant’s motorcycle around the inside of a Cheerio.
You are a festering boil on the buttcrack of humanity.
When God was handing out brains, you thought he said trains and said you’d take the next one.
Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?
You’d make Mother Teresa want to beat children.
There’s a little sign between her ears that says Space For rent
Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it (for someone yawning)
Smart as a small soapdish
When they were handing out brains, you thought they said trains, and said “I want a slow one.”
You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder!
You’re as dumb as a mailbox.
Hey, you’re funny! But then looks aren’t everything.
Couldn’t win a debate with a cabbage.
I’ve used this and variations on it
That’s a nice shirt:
… I didn’t know that color came in men’s sizes
… Does your wife know you borrowed it?
You have the personality of a soap dish.
You got median intelligence, you got moderate talent, I’m a generous man!
May a bird of paradise nest in your nose.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Make like a banana and split.
Make like a tree and leave.
Every party has a pooper, that’s why we invited you.
Take a long walk off a short pier.
When they were handing out noses you thought they said roses so you asked for a big, red one.
Your Momma’s so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittles popped out.
Your so bright, you thought indecandescent was a prom dress.
Your so bright, you thought that when your mendacity was showing it ment your pants were unzipped.
Your so bright, you thought oxymoron was a stupid cow.