Favorite Creative Insults?

I’m always looking to spice up my vocabulary a bit, especially when it comes to creatively insulting people who bug me. Why call somebody an “asshole” when you can call them a “son of a motherless goat” instead? And I realize it’s not particularly PC, but I’ll admit I just love the way that the French were referred to as “cheese-eating surrender monkeys” when they refused to support the U.S. invasion of Iraq.

So how about it – what are your favorite creative insults?


On fanfiction.net and elsewhere I’ve written Hogan’s Heroes fics and used the following with Major Hochsetter talking tot he bumbling Col. Klink:

“Some prefer to err ont he side of caution; you, on the other hand, err on the side of stupidity.”

In a fic I helped another person write, a character said this of another’s wimpishness:
“You couldn’t possess a rabid cat to bite a bird sitting in its litterbox!”

And of course, there’s the classic comical song:
“May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.” (Not sure which came first,t hat or Johnny Carson usingt hat line.)

I hate insulting others, I try to never do it, but some people don’t mind being insulted,a nd I’d much rather hear creative insults than vulgarities. I’m glad to see you striving toimprove our own language.

I always thought it was “May the bird of paradise lay an egg on your head.”


Well let’s see here…of hand?

I detect the kind of glaring logical inconsistencies in your ‘reasoning’ that only botched frontal lobotomy patients with crisscrossed shoelace scars on their sloped foreheads are capable of making. If I want the advice of some who is developed mentally delayed, I’ll slap you on the back of the head and wake up that little peg legged hamster that operates the drool-powered waterwheel of thought in there. Until then, sit in the corner and wait until I either speak to you or spit at you.

Of course this was not directed anywhere in particular.

Here is the cite for the above verbiage…(the whole sight is very well put together and further more has the most insults and swears in foreign language I have ever seen) check out the shakespear section.

You want more?
I refer to your latest discharge of plebeian verbiage; in which, you have proven, once again, that there is no such thing as unutterable nonsense. You should offer your posting style to hospital operating theatres as a highly-effective alternative to unconsciousness-inducing medications.

It seems your fingers not only did your typing, but did your thinking too. Have you considered suing your brain for non-support? Are you always this ignorant, or are you making a special effort today? Well, you’re certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. As Robert Wilensky said: “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.”

Reading your post is less interesting than watching paint dry. If wit was spit, your mouth would be drier than a shallow well in an African heat wave. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. Maybe you wouldn’t read like such a pathetic loser if you didn’t have an intellect rivaled only by the Village Idiot’s stupider brother; if your weren’t so fat that all the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 80 Patrons OR You.”, or if you didn’t have a face so ugly that your Psychiatrist makes you lie face down. No, come to think of it, you would.

In closing, why don’t you put your glasses on backwards and walk into yourself?

The best insult ever delivered on the SDMB is on Opal’s teemings page, and was aimed at a poster named G.Nome.

I quote:

And the most creative insulting post of all time is Cervaise’s “The Telemarketer Speaks - I Respond”.


“I wouldn’t trust you to lay still in your own coffin!”

If I want any shit out of you, I’ll kick it out of you.

If I want any lip out of you, I’ll peel it off my zipper.

I hope all your babies are born naked! (this one always gets the puzzled look of “should I be insulted by this?”)

If I pretend that I’m interested in what you’re saying, will you go away?

One of my favorites is: “Did you have stupid flakes for breakfast this morning?”

Sniff my socks, you clanger!

He’s essentially charm-free.

“I refuse to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed person, begone” and walk away.


A friend once told his ex-girlfriend that he hopes her legs grow together.

An ancient one I’ve admired:

“When you arrive home, this evening, may your mother run out from beneath the porch, barking, and bite you upon the leg.”

“I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem”

Okay, not exactly linguistically clever, but one of my favourites anyway.

“shut up or I will beat you like a steel drum in Jamaica”

“shut up or I will beat you like a pinata on Cinco de Maya”

“you are so full of shit, you don’t walk, you squish”

“you’ll know when I want your opinion…I will clearly say, lets see what the inbred demographic thinks”

“for a second there, I was sure that I was talking to my Mother’s old douche bag, but then I realized that there is no way it could get here from Cleveland…so you must just be a really big asshole”…it’s from a movie…I just can’t remember which one

And my Grandfather’s favorite: “you couldn’t teach a cat to sh!t in a box”

I told someone else once, in an argument, that their problem was they had one thumb in their mouth and the other stuck up their @$$.

Lyndon Johnson purportedly called someone a “revolving son of a bitch”— “he was a son of a bitch from no matter what angle you looked at him.”

Once when some jerk was giving my sister a hard time she rebuffed him in front of several of his friends with, “Watch it, Bub, or I’ll push the ‘down’ button on your elevator shoes!” Much hilarity ensued.

Sis is pretty cool!

“If bullshit was fried chicken, you’d be Colonel Sanders”.

“May you get a disease and have it named after you”