If you took of your pants and walked on your hands, who could tell the difference?
I hope all your babies are born naked!
Yo momma so fat, when she jump in the air, she get stuck.
You son of a window dresser! I unclog my nose in your direction!
OTTOMH
May you grow like an onion, with your head in the ground
May you be a chandelier, hanging by day and burning by night
(to some one saying something stupid or crazy)
Go twist your own head!
Go whiz on the ocean!
You bead! You acorn! You hindering minimus of knotgrass!
(I like my insults Shakespearean.)
You’ve got roughly the I.Q. of a brain-damaged chicken. And that’s a step upward from last time, when you were a mentally-retarded radish.
He is the master of the insult. I wish I could remember more of his quotes at need.
The reply after they insult you is: I’ve been called worse things by better people.
“Go boil your head” (thanks to P.G. Wodehouse)
I heard these two as a child, and think they might be from Jack Benny:
“May you lose all your fingers and get a bowling ball for Christmas.”
“May a nearsighted barber mistake your tongue for a strop.”
And as long as so many of us are quoting Monty Python, my absolute favorite:
“You tiny-brained wiper of other people’s bottoms.”
My all-time favorite: “That boy ain’t got the good sense God gave a cucumber!”
When God was passing out looks you thought he said books and said, “I’ll take a scary one!”
May a thousand porcupines crawl up your butt backwards.
You’re so dumb you failed the IQ test
You’re so dumb you tried to wake a sleeping bag
You’re so ugly you can’t get a date off a calendar
You have a keen grasp of the obvious
It is obvious that your taste is all in your mouth
Smarter than a speeding bullet!
You’ve got a mind like a steel sieve.
If stupidity were cornflakes, you’d be General Mills.
If ugliness were asphalt, you’d be Route 66.
I don’t know how old your daughter is, but maybe she could build a good vocabulary while she’s slinging some euphonic, rhythmic, entertaining invective:
You tedious, monotonous, imbecilic son of a motherless GOAT!
You could almost make an insult generator with your daughter. Find suitable pungent adjectives (idiotic, repulsive, etc.) and nouns (dipstick, moron, etc.) and then use this formula:
adjective, adjective, adjective, noun.
Should provide hours of fun.
For maximum comedic effect, the word “ugly” should be pronounced “YOO-glee” and spoken in a thick Southern drawl.
Also good in a Southern drawl: “That boy needs to get in touch with the masculine side of his personality.”
Oscar Wilde’s description of fox-hunting: “The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable”.
I forget whether it was Oscar Wilde or Monty Python who talked about a group of people who were noted for their “well-deserved humility”.
ugly?
you’d make a freight train take a dirt road!
twit
twerp
maroon
You frog nugget!
You noodle-armed daughter of medusa!
It looks like you forgot to pay your brain bill.
And when I was a tiny kid we used to say: May flaming pencils shoot up your butt at lightning speed!
My fave:
A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.
King Lear (2.2.14-24)