Favorite customer quotes

The BBQ Pit
61

I used to work at Social Security here in Australia quite a few years ago. We had the authority to issue special emergency payments - ie cheque over the counter - in really critical situations.

Moron: I need money now, desperately (runs through current situation, claiming he needs to pay rent & bond, buy food and, most important, needs $30 to get medication. Has a doc’s scrip, dated that day).

I approved payment, told him to come back in an hour and pick up his cheque.

Moron returned, carrying German Shepherd puppy: Isn’t he beautiful? He’s pedigreed too, I just bought him at the pet shop. He cost me $450, but he’s worth it.

:smack:

I tore up his cheque and thought about telling him to look up “priorities” in the dictionary.

One of the rules of our social security/unemployment benefits system is that you can stay on the dole until you find a job - as long as you continue to actively seek work. The capper for me was the guy who came into the office and said - seriously - that, since he’d been on the dole for ten years, he was entitled to long service leave (ten years continuous service with one company usually gets you three months paid long service leave). He wanted benefits without having to seek work for three months.

Me: Sir, you don’t get long service leave on the unemployment benefit. You have to continue looking for work, or you’ll lose your benefit.

Moron: But I’ve been on the dole for ten years! Workers get long service leave after ten years!

Me: The key word in what you just said, sir, was “workers”.

Moron: I want my long service leave!

Me: You are not our employee. You do not get long service leave. Keep trying to find a job.

Moron: I’ll sue you! I’ll sue you until I get my long service leave!

I told him to go right ahead; if he wanted to contact any lawyers, I would photocopy the “Lawyer” pages in the Yellow Pages so he could start making phone calls.

I work for a radio station now, and we often get requests during the day. We try to accommodate when possible, but we’re a combination easy listening/talk radio station, so there are some things we just don’t play.

Moron caller: Hi, can I request Limp Bizkit please?

Me: Sorry, that’s not really something I can play. Is there something else we could play for you?

Moron caller: You have to play what I tell you to.

Me: I do?

Moron caller: I’m a listener! You have to play what I want to hear. Besides, you played Limp Bizkit last night. I heard it, around 6.30 last night, so I know you play Limp Bizkit, don’t lie to me.

Me: Sorry, mate, I don’t know what station you were listening to last night, but from 6 til 8, we run a sports talkback show. They might play some footy club theme songs, but I don’t think Limp Bizkit’s done a version of the Essendon theme song yet.

Moron caller: YOU HAVE TO PLAY WHAT I WANT TO HEAR, YOU BITCH! I WANNA HEAR LIMP BIZKIT!

Me: And I want a pony. But, as Mick Jagger said, you can’t always get what you want.

Moron caller: Who said?

:smack:

62

Count your blessings. If you were in the US, he’d win.
[/drive-by]

63

“I’ll sue you!”

Me: Not on my tax dollars, you’re not.

I’m as leftist as they come, but get a fucking clue, asshat!

64

Back in the bad old days when I was doing vocational training in a large hotel by the Frankfurt fairgrounds, I was a waitress in said hotel’s restaurant.

[Sophia from “Golden Girls”]
Picture this … Frankfurt, 1993 … I was a beautiful young waitress.
[Sophia from “Golden Girls”]

We had a buffet style breakfast, it was already 45 minutes past closing time for breakfast, but there were still some guests in the restaurant - no problem, we helped them anyway. We did not, however, restock the buffet endlessly. 2 of the guests got up and stood before the buffet, complaining loudly about some things not being refilled, especially the fresh milk. I went to see what they wanted and politely asked … they started screaming at me, telling me what a complete scandal it was that there was no milk available … how could this happen, what was going on? I answered: The cow is dead!

I got in trouble for this one, and rightly so … but the story is being told in the European HQ of the company until this day :slight_smile:

Some stupid things from my new job (tech support):

Me: What type of modem do you have?
Moron: Windows

Me: What does it say on the screen?
Moron: Available obsessions
Me: it’s “Options”, but carry on … :smack:

Me: What modem software do you use?
Moron: Sympatec Pennyware (Symantec PC anywhere)

65

Gawd, some of these are funny. I have to keep a bit of sympathy in my heart for the computer un-savvy idiots, though, only because my 74 year old mother in law just got her first computer, and I’ve been struggling to keep a straight face for going on six weeks now. A sample exchange:

MIL: OK, so now can I send email?
Me: Sure, who do you want to send it to?
MIL: Joann.
Me: What’s her email address?
MIL: 1234 West Main Street, Kansas City, Missouri.
Me: Um, no. Not her mailing address, her email address.
MIL: Doesn’t the computer know that?

Or this one, over the phone:
MIL: I think I broke the computer. I can’t get my email.
Me: Did you sign on?
MIL: Yes, I am on American (sic) Online right now.
Me: No, not if you’re on the phone with me (she only has one line)
MIL: No, I think I am signed on.
Me: No… listen, did you enter your password?
MIL: Where?
Me: On the sign-on screen.
MIL: Wait, what’s my password again?
Me: (I tell her)
MIL: Yes, that’s where I think I broke it. I did type that, but there’s just these little stars.

I do love her to pieces though, and gawd knows she’s trying hard to get the hang of this technology.

66

I’m a switchboard operator at my University’s hospital. We get a lot of interesting calls. One of my favorites was a woman who called in to page her son’s ortho doc. It was sunday night around 9, so obviously whe doc was not in house. I mentioned this to her and suggested the option of paging a doc on cal. She replies, and I shit you not, “No, I needed to speak to that doctor. See, my son just got shot and we need more pain pills.” :confused: :eek: :confused: :eek:

We aren’t really supposed to give medical advice, being lowly college students, not medical professionals…but I suggested they go to the emergency room.

I’m seriously going to have to start a pit thread on the dumb, dumb people I have to talk to.

67

And here I was just thinking…working at a doctor’s answering service is a whole new world. :wink:

Time: 11:30PM Saturday night
Me: Dr. X’s answering service, may I help you?
Caller: Is this Dr. X’s office?
Me: Well, this is her answering service.
Caller: Is Dr. X there?
Me: No, this is her service, may I help you?
Caller: Where is she?

And it just doesn’t seem right to me…even with the long-memorized techie quote that “your foolishness is my job security” that I should have to have FOUR ways of asking someone for their name, because “What is your name?” doesn’t get an answer…

Corr

68

For a while I was in charge of the phone systems where I work (we make these phone systems, so it’s an in-house field trial, if that means anything to you) and I got this more than one time from some co-workers:

Assclown #1: Tim, my phone isn’t working.
Assclown #2: Mine either.

I go to their desks, pick up the handsets to their phones, and get dial tone. I make calls from one phone to the other, then in the other direction, with no problem.

Me: Looks like they’re working now.

Assclowns (in unison): We can’t make calls to Germany!

Me: Then you meant “I can’t make outgoing CO calls”, not “My phone is broken”.

These people are telephony engineers, who’s job is to diagnose customer phone problems. One of them is the person who originally configured the in-house system! I can only assume they were being ignorant assholes on purpose, to annoy me. Pricks.

69

For a while I was in charge of the phone systems where I work (we make these phone systems, so it’s an in-house field trial, if that means anything to you) and I got this more than one time from some co-workers:

Assclown #1: Tim, my phone isn’t working.
Assclown #2: Mine either.

I go to their desks, pick up the handsets to their phones, and get dial tone. I make calls from one phone to the other, then in the other direction, with no problem.

Me: Looks like they’re working now.

Assclowns (in unison): We can’t make calls to Germany!

Me: Then you meant “I can’t make outgoing CO calls”, not “My phone is broken”.

These people are telephony engineers, who’s job is to diagnose customer phone problems. One of them is the person who originally configured the in-house system! I can only assume they were being ignorant assholes on purpose, to annoy me. Pricks.

70

I challenge anyone to read this site without thinking of Gord as Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. Yanomamo tribesmen who have seen a TV set will read this site and think of Comic Book Guy.

71

“Can I try this out”

I don’t work in a clothing store. The customer was asking about a hemorrorid ring cushion.

72

We answer for places like the Visiting Nurses Association after hours. All we can do is page the nurse on call and transfer them into the VNA voicemail. We tell them this. We say we are paging. We say that we are merely operators, so thusly we have no idea why the home care aid is not there on time to pierce their boils, or where Steffi is, or what the puss coming out of the catheter is (huuuuuuhhhhh ::shudder::). It’s frightening how the people with the grossest symptoms are the ones most eager to share them with others.

73

I have the same name (married) as a famous actress who died young a number of years ago. It’s a relatively uncommon name, and a lot of older people come into the library, notice my name tag, do a double take, and comment on it.

One lady said, “I hope you don’t die as young as she did!”

“Uhh, gee, thanks…I think…?” What on earth do you say to that!?

74

The very first “verse” in the first book of the “Acts of Gord” (I didn’t have to search far) is:

How about the whole package, as a system, doesn’t work, CBG. Maybe a child couldn’t figure that out.

Asshat.

75

Actually, after scrolling down a mere two anecdotes past what I quoted before I get’

With such witty reparte, I don’t see any comparison between Gord and CBG (I would much rather be trapped for months on an Antarctic ice floe with CBG)

76

Actually, I find Gord to be at least 1000x better then The Simpsons Comic Book Guy.

At least Gord wouldn’t make you feel like a retard for simply not being him.

I’ve always hated Comic Book Guy. They should have killed him instead of Maude Flanders.

77

I just finished reading all the way through the book of Gord. There were bits I didn’t like, and bits where he did seem very CBGey, it was a good read.

He could be mean at times, but mostly to people who deserved it. I loved the concept of baiting theives by overpricing a crap game, and then giving them the option of paying for it when they got caught stealing it. How dumb would you feel if you ended up paying $50 for a $5 dollar game that you tried to steal.

In one story he even had a mod of some sort that would break any machine it was put in. He let it get stolen, and then his business in repairing machines went up…

78

At the full service meat department I used to work at, we kept a
log of fun customer questions. My favorites:

“How is the line-caught salmon caught?”

“Are there bones in these ribs?”

“Is halibut sturgeon?”

Customers being the way customers are, I learned never try to
be witty when someone asks “Do you sell dog bones here?”

79

God, some of these things are golden.
I work as a vendor, and ticket ripper on occation, in a movie theatre.
As a vendor:

Me: Would you like butter flavoring?
Customer: What flavor is it?

80

http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/7b518d82