The stupid-ass fuckin' question Hall Of Fame.

The BBQ Pit
1

Stupid Questions from stupid people.

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here but some questions make you want to hold your brow in your hands and weep for our species. Questions that are so fuckin’ stupid they beg to have the age old adage “The only stupid question is one you don’t ask.” amended to “The only stupid question is one that this cock-monkey asks.”

Sometimes some bleeding heart dipshit will try to justify the blabbering of these stupid questions based on the idea that the person asking it is not educated in the field relating to the question. I have three words for that, okay? Common Fucking Sense. For example: I’m not a mechanic. But if I am going to attempt to change a part on my car’s motor, you can be damn sure that I will shut the damn thing off before attempting my amatuer repair.

It’s shit like this that I’m talking about. People who ask you things like “When did the last bus leave here?” and “Why can’t I watch TV during a power outage?”

Mmmmph! RRRrrrg! Damna Frama Bama Slama Slippin’ Rippin’ Fela Fingin’ Banga Rang Dang Barbara Streisand!

See? Stupid-ass fuckin’ questions get me so pissed I can’t even curse eloquently anymore. I am reduced to enraged spluttering like Tipper Gore seeing her half-naked daughter give lap dances on stage at a 2 Live Crew concert.

Just last week I was asked something so stupid it made N’Sync lyrics look like Quantum theory:

“When I call up the CD system info it tells me:
Capacity 613
Used 613
Does the capacity get used up when you play CD while you’re on computer? How can I clear this. I’m totally lost.”

Yes, you are totally lost. If you ever find your dumb-ass, do us all a favor and shoot yourself in the head.

People that are constantly asking stupid questions should be treated accordingly. You have to admit that if someone is constantly saying stupid things, doing stupid things, and asking stupid questions, chances are pretty good that they’re fuckin’ stupid! People who ask things like “Are you orientated?” usually make statements that are equally empty and devoid of meaning, like Janet Reno’s little black book.

What I don’t understand is why these people even feel the need to blurt any useless query to begin with. Like Ron Jeremy asking for a hummer from Lauren Hill, it’s pointless and more than a little disgusting. Why can’t they keep their moronic droolings to themselves and continue the ear wax harvest in silence?

Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

[sub]*note: I understand not knowing about computers is not reason to kill someone. Hell, my Gramma knows nothing about computers but she is still awesome. I just wanted to point out that the person that asked me this is as ignorant, stupid and pig-headed in everything else as he is about computers. I can only hope you eat yourself to death before your third wife leaves you, you friggin’ jagoff! …gotta love your father-in-law, eh?[/sub]

[sub]**note: Yes, I wrote this in the style of a Dennis Miller rant, but I DID write it. I just like DM and think he’s great. Please don’t think I stole his material, this is all mine.[/sub]

2

Sheesh! …talk about your stupid questions!

3

Ah, stupid people aren’t all that bad. Try tossing one out a plane with a hand grenade down their shorts and you’ll see what I mean.

4

I prefer to harvest my earwax with a Q-tip shortly after showering, because the steam makes it all loose and stuff.

5

friedo, hopefully you stop when the q-tip meets resistance?

6

Stupidest question ever: Do you work here?

No, you dumb motherfucker. I was getting ready today and decided that the only thing that would make me feel sexy was a blue chambray shirt with IKEA printed across it eight different times. Then I thought, let me accentuate my figure flaws by tucking said shirt into pleated pants that could possibly be less flattering if they were white. And I purposely sewed another fucking IKEA tag into the seam of the pleated pants to get my point across.

It looked alright, but then I decided that some old work shoes would really complete the ensemble. Add a fleece jacket that says IKEA three times and I was all set!

But something was still missing, so I smeared dirt and sweat all over my face, added some BO in a can, and bruised myself up. Finally, I thought, I will pull an eighty-pound pallet through the store while shopping.

YES, you ridiculous fuckhead. Why in the world would I be wearing this outfit, with IKEA written across it 4,578,902 times, if I was just shopping? Why would I be WORKING if I didn’t work here? Why would I be leaning against the WORK station, searching through an IKEA computer system and answering the goddamn piece of shit motherfucking IKEA telephone, if I didn’t work here? What the fuck goes through your mind when you ask that stupid question, you lame ass crackhead?

Did you see my name badge, you unevolved assfuck? The one that clearly says “SARAH at your service!” Did you notice my fake chipper smile and the fact that I convincely looked concerned when you snapped at me and screamed, “EXCUSE ME MISS!” from across the department?

No stupid questions my ass. Any question whose answer is blindingly, painfully obvious (“How long are these curtains?” - “Well, just like it says clearly on the package, they are 89 inches long.”) is a stupid question. Any question that comes from any idiot who is too fucking stupid to possess a critical thought is stupid.

I hate my motherfucking job.

7

Nope, the undisputed stupid question champ is an inappropriate “How do you feel?”, as in “How do you feel about having your leg broken?” Oh, I feel fine. It turns me on to lay up for four months in a cast, then walk around with a rod holing my leg. Oh please, how do you think I feel?

8

“Am I supposed to use lubricant?”
“Why do I end up with brown stuff on my dick?”
Oh, wait, you said “stupid-ass fuckin’ question”, not “stupid ass-fuckin’ question”. Whoops!

Or “How do you feel about winning the Super Bowl?” Is that the best they can come up with? I guess that’s what happens when you hire communications majors as reporters.

9

Several years ago, I got two winners the SAME DAY. I was a buyer. I placed an order for 8 railcar loads of stuff. The clerk calls me back and asks “do you have a rail siding?” I told her no, just push them big bastards right up the highway.

Later that day I go to lunch at the local italian restaurant. Woman at the next table, when asked what kind of salad dressing she wanted says “Do you have Italian?” The server was right on when she answered “No we are the only italian restaurant in the state the refuses to serve italian dressing.”

10

How 'bout stupid-ass answers?? I have a Korean friend who lives in LA… he tells this story: a friend of his (Korean) came to LA to study English. His English was NOT good… so he was studying basic questions and answers before moving into more complicated conversation. One day, the guy gets into a car accident (serious enough to require an ambulance and a trip to the hospital; but everything turned out OK, and he was released with a few stitches). So the guy is laying on the side of the road, bleeding profusely from the head… a policeman comes up to him, and says “How are you?” Korean guy searches for this Q&A in his English database, and looks up at the policeman, and replies, “Fine. And you?”

Gotta love it!

11

Good God! Somebody pays you to do that?!

12

SPOOFE,
Stupid question: how do you keep the grenades from rolling out of their shorts?

13

Whitey-tighties, man, whitey-tighties.

14

See! You ask a stupid question…
I’d always thought they were called tighty-whities

15

Here’s another stupid question:
If I had 33 posts, and I posted again, how come I still have 33 posts?

16

Uh, never mind.

17

This isn’t exactly a stupid question, but I think it illustrates the same mentality. True story:

Years ago I was working in a movie theater when a lady stormed out of one of the auditoriums, marched up to me and said, “Two things you need to do–you need to turn down the lights and turn up the sound. I can’t hardly see or hear that movie!”
I just stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded, but finally said, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that movie hasn’t started yet.”
I was amazed that someone could be that much of an idiot and fully expected her to slink away sheepishly. But she wasn’t satisfied with looking like an idiot–she had to prove it beyond all doubt. “Yes it has,” she argued. “I can see it and I can hear it, but I can’t hardly make out anything.”
I calmly explained, “Ma’am, I’m the only one who runs the projectors, and I haven’t turned that one on yet. That movie is not playing right now.”
She looked puzzled and a bit less angry, but still persistent. “Then what am I seeing and hearing in there?”
I said, “Those are slides and a radio.”
You could almost see the lights starting to flicker on slowly in her head. “Oh.” Finally, the sheepish exit.

I wonder how long that halfwit stared at those pictures on the screen without realizing they didn’t move. Maybe she was preoccupied with the cool, soothing feeling of the drool on her chest. Maybe this is a case for euthanasia.

18

Really?

For five summers, I worked at a Marina in a State Park.
For five summers, I heard the same fucking stupid questions.
Do you rent peddle boats?

No. We keep a dozen in the slips just to get stupid ass people like you to ask that stupid ass question.

Do you sell gas?

No. The gas pump is here just to get stupid ass people like you to ask that stupid ass question.

Do you sell worms/crickets/minnows?

No. The sign out front that says “We Sell Bait” is there just to get stupid ass people like you to ask that stupid ass question.

19

Great googly balls of fire, Nacho4Sara. Wally was right on. The day you pass your bar exam is the day I go live in a bomb shelter.

20

I see I won’t be going to IKEA anytime soon.

I like my balls.