“Looks like he took the short bus to school.”
Actually, it’s generally traced back to Arnaud Amalric, a papal legate during the Albigensian Crusade:
“Fell off the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“Dumb as a box of hammers.”
“Strong as an ox, and half as smart.”
“Let me pull that (or her) out of my ass for you.”
When people want whatever it is RIGHT NOW.
“Half the people are dumber than average” – as a catch-all explanation for the omni-present question "WHY?!?!? did they do that?"
Whatever. I first heard it said by Marge Simpson.
You can’t polish a turd.
That’s gold plated bullshit!
He’s so far in the closet he can see Narnia.
Why is a mouse when it spins?
“You’re the one fucking this chicken, I’m just here to hold the wings.”
“Like monkeys fucking a football”
“Could be worse”
“What could possibly happen?”
“Given a 50/50 chance, he’s wrong 100% of the time”
“So far, so good”
When someone is favoring a leg: “Got a catch in yer get-along?”
Slicker than snot on a brass door knob.
Ringy-er than a two-tailed coon.
It’s not a catch, it’s a ‘hitch in yer git along’, that’s how grampa said it anyways.
Cream isn’t the only thing that floats to the top.
He’d fuck a snake if he could get somebody to hold its head.
And my signature:
When someone does something questionable…
“As they always say, pick one thing and be the best at it!”
…or…
“She doesn’t just have issues, she has subscriptions.”
Menstruating Christ!
“Six of one, half a dozen of the other”
“Machs Nichs”
The food was terrible and the portions were too small.
“Jesus Christ in a birchbark canoe.”
My wonderfully Southern grandmother is a font of colorful expressions. Two I heard for the first time recently were (of someone with a large gap in his teeth) “He could bite a pumpkin through a picket fence.” and (of the small house my grandfather grew up in) “There wasn’t room to cuss a cat without getting a mouthful of hair.”