Spock: Whats does it mean, “slash”?
My favorite trio from the Mad Magazine parody of Star Trek IV:
Kirk: We need some local information. Uhuru, go hustle some sailors.
Uhuru: We’re in San Francisco, sir.
Kirk: Right…Sulu, go hustle some sailors.
Later, that whale biologist whose name I forget begs to come along with Kirk -
Kirk: I’m sure you can find plenty of good men here in the 20th century.
Biologist: In San Francisco?
Finally, the kicker:
Spock: I can’t believe we did it.
Kirk: Brought whales from the twentieth century to decipher an alien probe’s message?
Spock: No, that we spent the whole time in San Francisco and only made two bad gay jokes.
Ever since I heard Patrick Stewart do a commercial for General Motors, I keep thinking that an appropriate like would have been, “Mr. Data, bring the Pontiac”
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner.
Bones: (In hushed voice) Jim, this is the fourth red-shirted bastard you’ve shot this month. We can’t keep blaming these shooting deaths on “aliens,” the admiralty is already suspicious.
Kirk: I know! I know! It’s not my fault they don’t put sights on these damned things!
Ensign Deadmeat: Well just one week left and I’m finished my tour
Lt. Goner: So you gonna re up or what?
Ensign Deadmeat: Are you kidding?!? DO you know how many friends I lost in the one year I’ve been aboard?!?! I’ve had friends vapourized, eaten, crushed, even drained of their life fluids by smelly death clouds.
Did you know the Security Cadets refer to the Enterprise as the USS Deathtrap
I have had buddies snapped, zapped, sered, speared, mashed, smashed, gored, gooed, flayed, sprayed, fried, and eletrified. I’ve seen it all, but you know what the last straw for me was?
Lt Goner: What?
Ensign Deadmeat: That cold hearted bastard beamed two of our guys into space…
Lt Goner: I know that was cold but remember those snotty kids made him think we were still orbiting the planet.
Ensign Deadmeat: yeah but the bald, fat bastard went onto his next mission instead of turning this crate around to get the guys he left behind. I heard a rumour that one had to eat the other just to stay alive long enough to be picked up by a passing frieghter.
That’s it… I’m finished with this shit. next time you see me I’ll be kicking it up on a beach on Earth where I don’t have to do shit for anything! Dad was right I was a stupid idiot! But no more in a week I’ll be…
Lt Uhura: Attention Ensign Deadmeat report to captain Kirk in the transporter room.
Ensign Deadmeat: Ahhhh hell!
These two are my favorites so far–with that first one at the top of the list (I* really* hated that Wesley character)!
Kirk: Misterrrrrrr Spock.
Spock: Captain?
Kirk: Stooooooooppppppp scaaaaanning Lt. Uhura !!!
From the episode with the Kelvins:
Kelvin Commander (shaking pill case): We have found that these provide all the nutrientsd we need.
McCoy (aside to Kirk): What are they doing for roughage?
Later in the episode, after we see Kirk awakening sexual feelings and jealousy in two Kelvins, and Scotty getting another drunk:
McCoy (proffering a silver cup to a Kelvin): We call it coffee. It’s a mild stimulant that allows us to function more efficiently.
Scotty: Well, our dilithium crystals are OK, but the alternator is shot!
Neither of these are mine, but:
A black comedian was doing the Keldian scenario where a female ensign and a black security officer are turned into cubes:
Kelvin: We’ve come from a galaxy far away to turn your crewmembers into cubes.
(sound effects, pretends to be turned into cube)
Kirk: Spock Analysys.
Spock: Captain, the Nggr is a cube.
Captain Kirk finds Spock and Nurse Chapel having sex:
Kirk: Spock, What are you doing?
Spock: It’s all right captain, we’re engaged.
Kirk: Well. . .well. . .disengage!