Favorite Made Up Star Trek Lines

No limit on these.

Kirk: “Spock, how long have we got?”
Spock: “Captain, in 1.9999999999…”
Kirk: "TWO Spock, dammit, the answer is two!
I was just watching “the Devil in the Dark”.
Kirk briefs the security guys and dismisses them.
“Well, you have your instructions, get to it!”
“Oh, you, Black guy in a red shirt?”
“Is you Star Fleet Insurance paid up?”

From Amok Time
Kirk: “Spock, analysis.”
Spock: “Analysis? Dammit, you get me laid and I’ll get you an analysis!”

From any number of possible episodes:



First, here is something said by Kirk, in a blooper reel (paraphrased):

“What gives you the right…?! You’ve got no right! We got the right…” [cracks up]

Now for the imaginary:

McCoy to Spock: “So, have you given any more thought to having the ears docked?”

Commander Data: “There is something affecting my positronic matrix…” [twitches] “…make me feel like… jello.”

Family Guy had a good take on the red shirt delimma (paraphrasing again)…

Kirk: “Okay, we’ll take a team and beam down to the planet. Spock, Scotty, McCoy, you’re with me… and you, Ensign Skippy.”

Ensign Skippy: “Aw, crap!”

“Perhaps we would have more power if Engineer Scott connected your mouth to a generator, Doctor.”

Archer (after receiving yet another college water polo match video):

"Ooh boy! Young men in speedos! Yippee!!!

I’ll be in my quarters."

NoClue, that was just ugly.
Funny, but ugly.

Worf: “Wake up, Wesley. Time to die.”
Picard: “Counselor, and I mean this in the nicest of ways… SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Kirk: “Hey, baby. You know what would look good on you? Me!”
Chekov: “Davy Jones my ass.”
Quark: “Morn!”
Porthos: “Arf.”

This is doing better than I expected.

Picard: “Data, you little…nibbler.”

One time my brother had me convinced that I’d missed an episode where everyone got drunk and Picard slapped Data on the back and called him a little nibbler. I’m still not 100% sure it wasn’t an actual episode that I missed.

“Och, Captain! Let the crew die but dinna hurt me engines!”

Okay, I’m back for another:

Any minor *Enterprise *crewmember selected for a scouting party:

Trip: “No! Don’t even think about it. If you reverse the polarity of the injectors, it will blow up the ship.”

“Yes, Jim. I’m a doctor and a masseuse.”

“Beat me up, Scotty.”

This is the way I wish the “augment” episodes on Enterprise had ended. It’s not comical, though:

Malik does something particularly violent. T’Pol inhales sharply, stands up and approaches him, clearly furious. He laughs dismissively at her but as she continues her approach, he throws a punch at her. His laughing abruptly stops when she catches his fist, and he screams in pain when with one solid smash, she breaks his arm at the elbow (insert special effect of human arm bent in backward V-shape). He falls. Other augments lunge forward to attack T’Pol and she just destroys them, and not in some over-choreographed kung-fu pastiche, but just a savage fists-breaking-bricks pounding, with elbows-in-noses, Vulcan nerve pinches that lead to the audible snapping of collarbones, that sort of thing. T’Pol stands over the fallen Malik as he tries to crawl away from her, his arrogance replaced by fear.

T’Pol: Did you think you were unique? Did you imagine these petty acts of sadism marked you as the first of a new and superior breed? This universe is vast. Everything you can do and everything you can imagine has been done, human. [she grabs him by the collar, slams his head back into a wall] Two thousand years ago, my race thought the universe could be taken and all obstacles destroyed. We learned very quickly what was most likely to destroy us was that very belief [significant glance at Archer and Tucker]. We have savageries in our history that make all your petty ambitions look charming and quaint. Ending those savageries was not a casual decision. Embracing logic came at a very high price for us, but the benefit was survival. You’ve angered me today. You’ve made me cast off two thousand years of history. If you don’t embrace the logic at this moment, you will join the Vulcan warlords in extinction. [he relents, showing his hands in a posture of surrender. She rises to her feet, standing over him] There may come a time when the rest of your species has to make the same decision. [she leaves the chamber, a later scene shows her exhausted and tormented and slowly pulling herself together with Trip’s help, who now has a better understanding of why she and all Vulcans are so tightly controlled]

From a fan-produced convention play:

KIRK: Five to beam up, Scotty!

SCOTT: [incredulous] Ye only lost one security officer, Captain?!

Any TNG character to Data:
You are not content with being as you are. You desire to become something more like a human, or any organic sentient humanoid. But desire and discontentment are emotions. What makes you think you’re emotionless now? If you were, you would be like the ship’s computer. You would do everything and only what you’re told, and it would never even occur to you to do anything because you want to.
Somebody should have pointed out that fairly obvious point at some point in the series.

OTOH, in “Measure of a Man,” there is a trial to determine whether Data is only property, or a sentient being with civil rights. Riker is assigned to prove he is property and, being Riker, can’t do it without putting hall all into it (which causes him some guilt afterwards). But, the following season, in “Tin Man,” Tam Elbrun, a Betazoid so hypertelepathic that he can hardly stand to be around people, says to Data: “Why, I can’t read you at all! It’s like you’re not even there!” If that’s the case, then Troi would not be able to detect any emotional presence from Data either, making him different from every other life form she has ever encountered; and that probably would be common knowledge on the ship. So it’s something Riker should have used! He should’ve put Troi on the stand! I mean, it raises the possibility that there’s some defining characteristic of “life” which an artificial being, even one of Data’s sophistication, lacks entirely.

Picard, OTOH, considering that he’s trying not just to win the case but to save Data from being dismantled for study, ought to have raised what lawyers call an alternative theory of the case: If Data is property, whose? If Noonien Soong had any surviving relatives, they might have a better claim to ownership than Starfleet has, and his disposition ought to be put on hold until that possibility is settled. At least it would buy him some time.

(I’m a lawyer, BTW.)

I’ve posted this before, but here’s my take on how Manny Coto should have resolved the stupid Enterprise season three surprise cliffhanger left for him by Berman & Braga. You know, the one with the Nazi alien alternate timeline. I took care of the whole thing before the first commercial break.

“Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a very good actor!”