“He’s riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.”
“She’s easier to pick up than AM radio at 2 a.m.”
‘It’s rainin’ harder than a double-cunted cow, pissin’ on a flat rock.’
- “I see” said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
- The road was slicker than snot on a doorknob that winter (began when everybody had the smooth white porcelain knobs, I’m guessing)
- He was sweating like a whore in church
- It smelled bad enough to gag a maggot
- Even a blind sow gets an occasional acorn
- It’s raining cats and dogs. I just stepped in a poodle.
- The paint came off faster than a prom dress
- Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
- Kissin’ don’t last but cookin’ do
- The devil doesn’t always walk up and introduce himself
My Mom’s favorite:
That’s a horse of a different garage (which of course is her take on “That’s a horse of a different color”)
She also says “Who steals my purse steals trash” all the time, but that’s a direct quote from Othello.
My mother: Don’t sit there like a bump on a log.
My father: Use your head for something besides a hat rack.
My sister: Stupidity is not a virtue.
“It’s darker than the inside of a cow.”
“That country’s so flat you can stand on a chair and watch your dog run away from you for three days.”
“He hasn’t got enough fat on his ass to fry his ears.”
“I’m gonna make like a tree and get the hell out of here.”
My grandma’s favorite:
Beauty’s only skin deep, but ugly’s to the bone!
My mother likes to say, as we pull out of the garage in the car, “We’re off, like a herd of turtles!”
That’s from BTTF, and the annoying thing is when kids think the joke is just that Biff is dumb because that makes no sense, rather than that he’s messing up a popular saying.
I recently used the old “When they were passing out brains he thought they said trains” gag and it was sad how many people hadn’t heard it before, and it launched a discussion on the whole “when they were passing out” genre.
Don’t worry, I am on top of it like a bear on a beachball.
I am as serious as your next breath.
Happy as a pig in shit.
Someone is as nutty as a fruitcake and has raisins for eyes.
Strong as an ox, but not as smart.
On it like white on rice.
You ain’t got the sense God gave little green apples.
A computer has more memory than my hometown. A building has more bricks than my hometown, and so on.
He is sort of like a dog, but lacks the loyalty
Soldiers marching out of step sound like a cow shitting on a drum.
Lower than a snake.
Translated from Maine French, one went, “Take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.”
I used to tell my son when he was a teen and thought he was getting away with stuff: “I’m on to you like a tight pair of jeans.”
This one is so old-timey, most people wont get it: ** “Stuck like a hair in a biscuit”**.
There seems to be a recurrent saying on various boards: “It’s not a bug; it’s a feature.”
I just remembered it when I read your sister’s comment.
I find this pretty witty.
Wherever I go … there I am. 
Which, for the record, is “Make like a tree and leave.”
(“Make like a tree and get out of here” makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.)
Another one that a friend from college was fond of: “It’s colder than a witch’s tit.”
From my military days:
Fucked up like a soup sandwich.
Fucked up like a football bat.
It could be raining little pussies, and he’d get hit in the head by a giant dick.
He looks like a sack full of assholes with the good ones picked out.