Two house’s, equal in dignity
in fair Verona where we lay our scene
From ancient grudge, break to fresh mutiny
where civil blood makes civil hands unclean
and my soul from out that shadow
that lies floating on the floor
shall be lifted, nevermore
I though it was LL Cool J in Deep Blue Sea
“Give me your tears, Gypsy, or I will take them from you!”
– Borat
“Journalism is not a profession or a trade. It is a cheap catchall for fuckoffs and misfits, a false doorway to the backside of life, a filthy, piss-ridden little hole nailed off by the building inspector but just deep enough for a wino to curl up and masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage.”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Edison: “Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
“Dowries ! Dowries ! A hundred and eighteen DOWRIES !” - The response of a certain greedy Count in A Civil Campaign, after Miles hands him the documents that grant him custody of his horde of replicator grown biological daughters - with one tiny condition attached.
“Fight like a miser.” - The Dance of Time
“If a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving a baby from a burning building, she would choose to save the child without bothering to consider if there were men on base.” --Dave Barry
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.” --attributed to Groucho Marx
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” --Mel Brooks
“A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. And a recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.” - Ronald Reagan, 1980 (could easily be adapted for this year’s campaign).
"We were just outside of Barstow, on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying to My Lawyer, “I’m feeling a bit light-headed, perhaps you should drive, when suddenly …”
H.S.T.
Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life
Electric word, life, it means forever and that’s a mighty long time
But there’s something else: the afterworld.
A world of never-ending happiness, we can always see the sun
Day (day) or night (night)
So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one
Dr. Everything’ll Be All Right
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind
Cause in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
This life
You’re on your own!
:o Sorry.
It isn’t significant to much, but I love it anyway and is stuck in my head eternally:
“Yet still, ever after that sorrowful day,
Whenever the Butcher was by,
The Beaver kept looking the opposite way,
And appeared unaccountably shy.”
Lewis Carrol, Hunting of the Snark
"A man’s life is like a diary in which he means to write one story but writes another. His humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it was with what he vowed to make it.
J.M Barrie - The Little Minister.
For some reason, a bunch of old comic book lines popped into my head tonight.
Loki to Surtur, on why he decided to oppose Surtur :“What’s the use of ruling all I survey, if all I survey is a burnt out cinder ?”
Odin, Thor and Loki against Surtur :
Odin : “For ASGARD !”
Thor : “For MIDGARD !”
Loki : “For MYSELF !”
Baldur to some Ice Giants, who react poorly to heat : "Have you ever seen the Sun ? Close up ? " * GLARE *
Doctor Doom, Secret Wars : “Why, we dropped a mountain range on them. Simple. Effective. No ?”
Doctor Doom & Klaw, Secret Wars :
Klaw : “Why do you talk like that ? Are you being recorded ?”
Doom : “Of course ! Every utterance of Doom must be recorded for posterity !”
The grey Hulk : “I see you’ve picked up a few new tricks, Rock, Redeemer. Me, all I have is all I’ve ever needed. My strength, and my really lousy temper.”
Grey Hulk, in restraints : " SHIELD’s totally corrupt. They’re gonna off us both."
SHIELD guy : “Oh, and what makes you think that ?”
Hulk, smirking : “Because I’m totally corrupt. And that’s what I’d do.”
From the grey Hulk era, Banner is arrested by a small town sheriff who’s a thug in uniform. He carries around an iron bar he grabbed from some punks and bent to intimidate them; uses it as a kind of talisman, a swagger stick. He smacks Banner on the hand he has on the cell bars and turns away, ranting about how badass he is, missing when Banner starts to hulk-out.
Thug Sheriff : “Me, I’m king here ! Me and my iron bar !”
< CRUNCH > * The Hulk rips his way through the cell bars *
Grey Hulk : “Oh, yeah ? Whadda you do when you meet a guy with a bigger bar ?”
The “We few, we happy few, We band of brothers” speech.
The 98th Psalm.
Slightly more paradox-laden version I learned:
It was bright as day in the middle of the night
When two dead boys got up to fight.
They stood back to back and faced each other,
Drew their swords, and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard that noise
And came and shot those two dead boys.
If you don’t believe this lie that’s true,
Just ask the blind man – he saw it too!
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
Creep in this petty place from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage.
And then is heard no more. It is a tale,
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury.
Signifying nothing.
-MacBeth
–
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can’t help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
–
Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s, like, the only disease you can get yelled at for havin’. Damnit, Otto! You’re an alcoholic! Damnit, Otto, you have LUPUS!
-Mitch Hedberg
"I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I’ll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut… "
– Mitch Hedberg
and of course my sig from “Self-Reliance”
Nature that framed us of four elements,
Warring within our breasts for regiment,
Doth teach us all to have aspiring minds.
Our souls, whose faculties can comprehend
The wondrous architecture of the world:
And measure every wand’ring planet’s course,
Still climbing after knowledge infinite,
And always moving as the restless spheres,
Will us to wear ourselves and never rest,
Until we reach the ripest fruit of all,
That perfect bliss and sole felicity,
The sweet fruition of an earthly crown.
Christopher Marlowe, Tamburlaine
I count religion but a childish toy,
And hold there is no sin but ignorance.
Christopher Marlowe, The Jew Of Malta
Three beers is not drinking, Jack. Three beers is sulking.
Carl Hiaasen, Basket Case
“love your country always, and your government when it deserves it” Mark Twain
“As long as there is an underclass, I am in it. As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it. As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free” Eugene V. Debs
“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” Hunter S. Thompson
I found a clam beside the sea inside a seedy sack
I said to the clam, dear sir or ma’am
allow me to call you Jack
Will you come home with me for a cup of tea,
or maybe a midnight snack?
For I have some nice Tabasco sauce to pour upon your back.
So I threw the clam in a big brass pot
and boiled a burbling brew.
His green eyes gleamed
as he steamed and he steamed
and he grew, and he grew and he grew.
He was ever so small now he’s nine feet tall
Now he’s pouring Tabasco sauce on my back
now what do you think he will do?
-Shel Silverstein.
This ring and no other
was made by the elves,
who would pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of mortal, creeper and scallop,
this is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
If broken or busted, it can’t be remade.
if found send to Sorehead, the postage is prepaid.
-Bored of the Rings.