A sign over the bar at the Cow Pony in Tucson, Az.
“Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”
See also: "“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.” - Mark Twain
A favorite word: cromulent. It’s past due to be added to the dictionary.
My circle of friends new one from comedian Bert Kreisher’s Machine/Russian Mafia bit…“Fuck that bitch…This is Russia!”
Also used often “Screw you guys…I’m going home” in your best Eric Cartmen voice
This thread is great! Thank you one and all.
Another favorite…
Steal one’s thunder
Sad, yet funny story.
“Damn them! They will not let my play run, but they steal my thunder.” - John Dennis
I have an affinity for words with excessive consonants; words like ‘rhythm’ just fascinate me for some reason.
A favorite phrase: Carpe cerevisi: seize the beer.
Related: Some people’s taste is all in their mouths.
That brought a chuckle outta me. Too bad it probably needs to be explained often (including to me).
When he’s in Rome,…they do as he does.
Words: Lambent, Yclept, and parsimonious. They all strike me as sounding like what they are. Softly lit, also named, and cheap.
Recently, I saw this on Reddit. “He puts the pro in procrastination.”
Another of my favorite military terms: TGIF, a concept invented by the Royal Canadian Air Force. Cite
…eventually. 
I don’t care what anyone says about it, I originated the expression “Have a good one.” I always thought “Have a good day” was stupid. I’ve never had a totally good day in my entire life. But even the worse days have some good in them, even if it’s only a cup of coffee or a hot bath.
I started using it. And about a year later, someone told me “Have a good one.” My jaw dropped open, and now I hear it a lot.
I feel like I know someone famous now! 
Words/phrases I use frequently: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Copacetic, Fucking Fuck fer Fuck, Get bent!.
And whenever anyone says something about having a bad day, I tell them “You had a bad moment. I don’t let bad moments become bad days.”
My google-fu has failed me. I love this quote, but I can’t remember who is supposed to have said it and I can’t tease an answer out of google.
Journalism is the writing on the back of the adverts.
I sort of half think it was George Bernard Shaw or someone like that. Anybody help?
j
Reminds me of one we used to use at work:
“He puts the ‘funk’ in ‘dysfunction’.”
I’ve always been fond of, “I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.”
When I’m trying to force myself out of bed after too little sleep, I’ll quote Warren Zevon to myself: “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”
Some people are like Slinkies, totals useless, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
“But I am a robot!” - my reaction every time I get one of those annoying “Prove you’re not a robot” things online.
Oh, and crepuscular if we are sharing favorite words. (having to do with twilight)
I wouldn’t have lasted two seconds in the Marines, but thanks to my brother, I’ve gotten fond of: “You improvise. You adapt. You overcome.” (At least I think that’s the order it goes in)