Favourite Benny Hill Jokes

I know a lot of people can’t stand him but I thought his show was hilarious.

One joke has a mother standing over the breakfast table looking down at someone off camera and saying, “But you have to go to school.” Whiny voice off camera: “But I don’t want to.” Mother: “Why not?” Voice: “Because the children make fun of me.” Camera pulls back to reveal a teacher sitting there instead of a kid.

Couple is passionately kissing on a couch. The woman says, “Mind if I get into something a little more comfortable?” She stands up, walks across the room, sits in another chair and says, “Ah, that’s much more comfortable?” Of course followed by Benny’s take to the camera with one eyebrow cocked.

There were jokes? I was just watching the seminude babes, one of whom was a pre-Frasier Jane Leeves, by the way.

He was doing a “Name That Tune” type gameshow with two contestants, the little old guy and one of the pretty young women. Benny was the host. He’s helping the young woman throughout while trying to shut down the little old guy. At one point, the song is “Londonderry Air”…to help the young woman, he points to his butt. I died…

Hey, I was 12…

Oh, and Benny Hill (I almost typed “Benny Hinn”…now THAT would be an interesting juxtaposition…) was also the first time I ever heard the hormone joke. “What’s the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?” “You can’t make a vitamin…”

I never did get that until I was quite a bit older…

And I should add that I had to watch him either very late at night in my room on my little 13" b&w tv or sneak-watch when my parents went out for a few hours…my mother DETESTED Benny Hill. She called him a “dirty old man”.

Which he was, no argument.

Ah, Benny Hill. Where else could I, as a teenager growing up without cable, occasionally see naked breasts?

My favorite joke:
Mother and son riding a carnival ride. Son says, “Mummy, I need to go wee.”

Mother says, “Can you wait 'til the ride’s over?”

“No, Mummy- I need to go wee now!”

Mother motions and finally gets the ride attendant’s attention, and eventually gets across that they need to have the ride stopped. Embarassed, Mother takes the kid off the ride, and heads over to the restrooms. Once there, she says, “Okay, you can go wee now.”


Dumb actress [looking down at leading man’s crotch]: “What is this thing called, love?”
Director: “Cut! No, it’s, ‘What is this thing called love?’”

Dumb actress, terrified: “What’s that in the road–a head?!”
Director: “Cut! No, it’s, ‘What’s that in the road ahead?’”

As per jayjay’s mom, I remember Mad magazine describing Benny as having retained the face of an innocent little boy while the rest of him has become a dirty old man.

My two favorite skits:

Set sometime much further in the past, Benny has to deliver a rolled up parchment for his king. He encounters all sorts of whacky obstacles along the way and when he arrives at the guy for whom the message was intended, the guy grabs the rolled up paper and sets it on fire to light his cigar. He writes out “Please Repeat Message” and sends Benny back who instead runs off with one of the ubiquitous young lasses.

The other one involves Benny in a billiards competition. He is wearing an orange afro, makes a number of outrageous shots and winds up tearing the green when he is distracted by a woman who turns out to be his competitor’s wife.

Just remembering those two makes me laugh.

“… and now, here to play a song from his new musical bum … er … music album …”

Benny as Game show host, to hot chick: “What was the attendence at Wimbledon?”
Hot Chick: “10,000”!
Benny to little old guy: “Can you name them?”
Little old guy: “No. And that is the correct answer to your question!” He grabs the prize and the babe and takes off, leaving Benny high and dry.

“Goodnight, mother of 5”
“Goodnight, father of 3”

Another ‘I can’t stand Benny Hill, but I loved this bit’ post.

They Thought It Couldn’t Be Done

[Just Benny at a podium reciting a long glurgy inspirational poem ending with…]

They thought that it could not be done,
Some even said they knew it,
But he faced up to what could not be done…

And he couldn’t bloody do it!

My mom thought he was hilarious.

Got a pic??? Please? :slight_smile:

Written on the wall:

Tubby or not tubby:
Fat is the question.

I’ve got a few:
Please don’t blame our doggie.
It’s not his fault at all.
Someone left a wet umbreller
leaning against the wall.*

Why do cemeteries have walls?
It’s queer without a doubt.
The people outside don’t want to get in.
And the people inside surely can’t get out.

And my favorite:
We call our little dog Teeny, cause he’s the teeniest.
We call our big dog Meany, cause he’s the meaniest.
And we call the last dog Liberace, cause he’s the peein’est!*

My favorite was Benny as a famous film director being interviewed.

Interviewer: I’m interviewing [Director’s name]
Benny: It’s an honor and a privilege
Interviewer: It is for me too.
Benny: That’s what I meant!

Thing is, almost all of Benny Hill’s jokes were ancient long before he was born!

That was really part of the charm. You could say Benny Hill was the last of the vaudevillians, the last practitioner of old English music hall entertainment.

And while Benny Hill was certainly a dirty old man on stage, the fact is, he always got his comeuppance! The joke was always on him, in the end (which is why every episode ended with Benny running for his life, to the tune of “Yakkity Sax”).

The tall skinny guy as talk show interviewer: “Benny Hill! How long has it been?”
Benny Hill: “Well it’s been different lengths at different times, don’t ya know…”


I seem to recall a sendup of the A-Team that had Benny playing all the parts (or at least B.A.).

Benny Hill as Mr.T. Wheeee!


You Tube has the sketch in Spanish (One of my favorites too), just ignore the commentator, all the action has no words.