This is an odd phenomenon of certain fears. And I’m sure it’s fairly common.
It is the fear that you will get the impulse to do something suicidal or self-harming.
For example I have a terrible fear of unprotected heights (low fences at the edges of heights) not because I might accidentally fall off, but because I might decide to jump off!
I can even feel that impulse already there! I have this part of me that says “doitdoitdoitdoitdoit!” and my great fear is that I might just do it!
I have a friend who is scared of powertools (specifically cutting tools) because he he fears he might decide to cut his arm off or drill a hole in his head. I’ve had other friends who admit to this type of fear.
On holiday we hired a people carrier. It’s a ford torneo and it’s basically a van with windows. This means it’s very easy to get in and out of because of the height of the seat. Well when I first got in I noticed and imagined how very easy it would be to just open the door and fall out (deliberately) while on the move. So I had to tell myself to keep away from that handle and think of something else.
A few hours ago I was playing with scissors, when I suddenly imagined deciding to cut my lip. I had to put the scissors down, and out of reach!
Don’t get me wrong I’m not suicidal and have no reason to be. I’m happy with my life, but the impulse is there.
holy crap! yes i know exactly what you mean!!! when i was younger i remember starting a whole family upstart when i got all freaked out about drinking a bottle of shampoo. not that i wanted to kill myself, but i was looking at it and i got this feeling that i was just going to drink it. moron me decided to tell my mother about it and WELL, that was that.
but it still happens to me. i know that i have a tinge of depression, had a bought with suicide, but i’m not like that anymore. but i’ll see a really sharp shiny knife, or something else less violent lol, and think, hmmm what would it be like to cut myself? i never told anyone about this, i thought i was a freak! yey for someone like me
Dude, know exactly what you mean. That’s why I stay away from guns. Not because I am afraid of them, hell I used to be US Army Infantry, but because I’m afraid if I ever own one I will use it on those in the populous that deserve it.
I also experience this. It used to be a lot worse, where I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. Even now, sometimes I twitch, or utter obscenities like a person with Tourette’s syndrome, just to drive the thought away. Nowadays I have it mostly under control.
I’ll check in here with a “I know what you mean,” too. Like the scary soundtrack will start in my head, and the audience watching me will start yelling “Don’t do it! Don’t do it!” knowing full well I will.
But I never do.
But I think about it, and scare the bejaysus out of myself.
But I won’t.
But I will if I get a chance.
But OF COURSE I won’t…
but (maybe) I will.
And so it goes.
I often have this impulse relating to poking things in my eye. I’ve never poked anything sharp in my eye, but every once in a while the morbid little thought skitters across my brain.
I know a kid who won’t use coins because he’s scared he’ll swallow them. Honest to god, he’s like 15 years old, and leaves the change in the vending machine when he gets a soda (which he buys with a dollar).
I already have plenty of phobias, but I’ve recently started having these auxillary fears to go with them. For instance, I have a little phobia about driving over bridges. Always had that little niggling fear that it might go out from under me, or a car might come across the line and knock me off. Recently I noticed that the thought that I might just willfully drive right over the side has joined this phobia. It got bad enough that I started driving in the lane away from the guardrail.
I’m not at all depressed or suicidal, but I do have an overactive imagination and I’m pretty prone to developing weird phobias. This newest development is unpleasant and unsettling, to say the least.
I’m have the exact same fear running around in my head, I’ve even had dreams where I’ve done this exact thing. When going over a bridge I always drive in the middle lane. Never on the sides. I’m petrified of going over the edge and drowning.
I absolutely have the same thing with heights - I’m not scared of heights, I’m scared of ledges without fences or anything because deep down I think I might jump off. Or trip or something, of course, but I really think it’s mostly “maybe I’ll jump.” And it’s not like I’ve ever been suicidal or anything, there’s just a certain fascination with the edge.
I’ve had a discussion like this with a friend a long time ago I remember. Seems like it’s a fairly common phenomenon. Personally I have the same thing with heights that Lobsang mentions in the OP. I’m always slightly afraid that I might just decide to jump off for no reason. Just recently I finally got a chance to jump from a fair distance when I went bungy jumping though.
My other ‘phobia’ is walking over bridges. I’m not afraid I’ll jump, but rather that I’ll throw my phone or wallet over the edge. This is especially true when I’m talking on the phone. I’m sure that would be amusing to have to explain at some point to someone why the phone conversation just died last time I was on the phone with them.
Of course I don’t let these little bad thoughts stop me from any sort of activities - I just have to tell myself not to do it. This isn’t so difficult with the heights thing because I really have no desire to die at all. The item throwing off bridges thing I suppose I might actually end up succumbing to one day (hopefully if this does happen it’s into a river and not over a highway or something…wouldn’t want to endanger anybody else’s life).
I do the same thing. I catch myself looking at, let’s just say, a kitchen knife, and thinking to myself, “Why don’t I just fuck myself over and cut off a finger?” Usually it passes after a few moments, and I can get the thought out off my head. But it does happen.
I think that it should be mentioned that this felling is completely different than when I’m out a party and I decide to put out a cigarette on my arm to impress everyone. That’s just a drive to be overly macho, mixed a little bit of alchohol.
I also share the fear of tossing myself off a high place, but I’ve got it pretty well under control.
One thing I don’t think I have control over is holding something valuable in my hands that could be dropped. If I’m holding my keys in my hand, or a cell phone, or pretty much anything valuable, I have to walk well around sewer drains, grates, etc. as I’m almost certain I’ll toss them in there.
I can’t believe this is so common!
I not only have a fear that I’m going to drive off a cliff or drive head on into other cars, etc., but I also have fears of harming others. One time I was at a movie theater where each row of seats was significantly higher than the previous one, so much so that when I crossed my legs (in the guy’s way of doing it, with a foot resting on the other leg’s knee), my foot was right near the head of the woman sitting in front of me. The woman was elderly with purplish-white hair, and I just knew that I was going to kick her (with my big boot) right in the back of the head with all my might - just because I could. I freaked out and uncrossed my legs, and then let my brother sitting next to me know what I just thought of doing. He thought I was psycho. Of course, being my brother and a very good friend, too, he most likely had known I was psycho for years!
I also dislike heights not because of the fear of falling but because of the almost uncontrollable urge to jump. Like the OP and others, I’m not suicidal, but when I’m standing at a rail I get this tingly feeling in the backs of my legs, and butterflies in my stomach, and a little voice in my head: “It would be so eeeeeeeeasy…” Quite freaky.
Also, when I’m driving on a busy two-way street, I think about how simple it would be to yank the wheel, steer into oncoming traffic, and hit somebody head-on. The thought is bright and clear in my mind: “One second after making the decision and taking action, I could be the cause of a horrific amount of mechanical and biological damage. One short second. That’s all it would take.”
Kind of disturbing, but so far entirely controllable. I’m glad I’m not alone.
