Motherfucking snow is coming down faster than I can shovel it. If I had a gun I’d use it to shoot Punxsutawney Phil in between his beady creepy grody rodent eyes and put him out of everyone’s misery.
You and I are not exactly BFF’s, co-worker. You have been nothing but snappish and touchy when we work in close proximity, and the rare times you do talk to me, you’re probably making a snide remark. So when my shift was done today and it was your turn to take over the register, I didn’t badger you into being where you were supposed to. I hovered around the register and politely waited for you to come over and start doing your job. Then, when I spotted you leaning against the nearest corner, I said “you have some customers”, as there was a couple gawking at the menu. You could have responded with “alright then, I’ll take over,” and left it at that. You could have even responded with silence. Instead, you responded with “Well, leave then. Obviously, if I’m standing right here…” I realize that this was a miscommunication between us, co-worker. I was afraid that anything I did would cause you to be rude towards me yet again, so I let you take the lead in that situation instead of just telling you I was leaving. I also realize that I just can’t win with you, and that you have decided I am a good target for mean-spirited remarks whenever you feel like being a bitch. Upon reflection, co-worker, a better option would have been for me to punch you in the throat and shove you towards the register. Then, maybe, you would have gotten the message.
Sincerely,
Your co-worker who secretly hopes you get torn apart by wolves
Pain from getting things cut out of your eye as an excuse, eh? Well, I’ll let it go this time…*
Well, you could still try. Especially if you don’t really like the people you’re sending the cards to. 
*You know I’m yanking your chain, right?
MrPanda’s grandfather died in February.
My mom died in February.
I found out tonight my uncle DAMN NEAR died on Thursday night. Which, yes, was Jan 31st, but I’m just finding out about it tonight.
I hate February.
Fuck you very much, Home Depot Appliance Delivery, for totally screwing up my grand plan for the boyfriend’s birthday. See, he’s skiing this weekend, so now is the PERFECT time to have that upright freezer he’s been eyeing dropped off at the house. My appointment was “between 5:30 and 9:30.” Why, then, is it 10:09 and I haven’t heard a peep from you??? Of course I called the office, but they’re closed til Monday. Which will be too late for me to pull off the grand surprise (I cleaned and rearranged the pantry to make room, and I was going to put wrapping paper and a bow on the door).
Companion rant: the kitteh says fuck you for making her get locked in the bathroom for 2.5 hours for no reason. She hopes you slowly die of a thousand papercuts.
Assholes.
what is the deal with 30+ year old women having professional portraits done with their dogs? I loved my dog, she was my best friend but never wanted a family portrait done with her. Maybe I am the weird one. Is this the new glamor shots?
one friend had pictures done, white dog, white dress, white background. I asked if you could see anything but her brunette hair and his black nose. she was not amused. ha.
sometimes migraines are food sensativaties I have a friend who had migraines all the time but once she went glutin free 3 months ago she has not had migraines. (Actually she is doing the Paleo diet not just glutin free) He might try it to see f it helps his triggers. I don’t belive diet is the solution to every health problem but changes do seem to help lots of stuff. YMMV.
A friend and his girlfriend recently broke up because it was clear that her dog was far more important to her than any person would ever be.
You know, when you pull into a parking space, you really might want to at least glance back when exiting your vehicle to briefly assess whether the job you did is so ridiculously bad that it might qualify as a felony. Some hints:
-a Ford F-250 is not a compact vehicle and does not fit in a space marked Compact, no matter how badly you want it to
-you can pull in a little closer to the wall than 4 feet, particularly when this huge clearance makes the ass end of your pickup truck block half the aisle
-parking so close to my car that I can’t get the driver side door open and have to crawl across the passenger seat is not acceptable.
-parking so crookedly that I CAN get the driver side door open but am unable to back out because the back of your truck is literally 0.5" from my rear bumper is not any better
I swear to Og this one guy in my apartment complex who owns a white Ford F-250 is the single worst at perpendicular parking I’ve ever seen in my life. He has never ONCE parked correctly in the 6 months I’ve been here. Ridiculous!
People like that are the reason why I wish I had a valve stem remover. One of these days I’m going to listen to the devil on my shoulder instead of the angel and buy one.
Damn, that is brilliant, and tempting-- they’re not expensive. And would fit in a coat pocket…
I really shouldn’t…
They are going to be catskin slippers if they don’t knock their shit off.
I think if I could actually get the dang things in my eyes, I’d be ok. I’m really good at ignoring things. I’ve got some disposable contacts that I try to put in on a regular basis, but I can’t bring myself to actually touch lens to eye. Which bites, because I really don’t want to be blind for my only wedding.
I hope your eye is feeling better today.
Can you take them out if someone else puts them in? I’m wondering if “put flatlined’s contacts in” could be made a MOH job. I would certainly do it.
We were having our lunch on a patio yesterday, and had front row seats to the Theatre of the Ridiculous that was the local parking lot on a Saturday afternoon. After holding up traffic for five minutes while waiting for someone else to leave (when there were other parking spots all over, just not right by the front door), we watched two SUVs pull into two spaces so that the second SUV couldn’t get her driver’s side door open. You know what, honey? If your view-blocking middle finger is too big to fit in the spot, park somewhere else!
Regarding the “compact” spaces, the parking lot where I’m working now is far too small for all the employees, so people park like complete assholes (parking up the aisles so other people can’t get their cars out, etc.). This is the spot the large truck was parked in. This is the vehicle that was parked in the “Small Car Only” spot. As an added bonus, this over-crowded parking lot also has “Do Not Back Into Parking Stalls” signs. This is the same parking lot where assholes in trucks drive as fast as they can when they’re leaving for the day. When I’m Queen of the World, parking lots will be my Special Project.
Damn my fucking heart problem! It’s not life-threatening, but it’s annoying, worrisome, and very uncomfortable.
More genius from you, thank you so much. That is a wonderful idea. I wore them at the eye doctor’s office and had no problems taking them out at home.
Runs off to find Bill.
Returns, blinking slightly watery eyes.
Dang! You are so smart! Bill and I are both all :smack: that we didn’t think about that. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
I hope your heart problems get better soon. Chronic health problems are the worse.
My mom did this to my dad once. Dad would for some reason would wear his pants sagging to the point where his ass-crack would show. Mom got tired of nagging him about it and snuck up behind him with an ice cube. Dad started wearing suspenders after that! 
Why does my handsoap have to stink??
The only brand and type of handsoap I’ve found that doesn’t stink is Softsoap’s Cucumber and Melon. But when the big 72 oz refills went on sale, they didn’t have any Cucumber and Melon. (I’ve never found the 72 oz refills in the store. I can’t even find them on Amazon.) So took a risk with another “flavor” that didn’t seem too stink too badly when I sniffed it in the store.
But I just washed my hands and I can smell them! They smell like a little old lady who has bathed herself in sickly sweet perfume.
Why, for the love of God, can I not find handsoap that doesn’t stink?? I want to wash my hands with soap that doesn’t smell at all, but dang if I can find it.
A hearty fuck you to the goat felching, son of a pus dripping, maggot ridden trollop who used mine and my sister’s social security numbers when filing taxes this year. It was a real pleasant surprise when I went to file my taxes this morning that someone had already filed using those numbers. Now I get to file police reports, affidavits, a paper tax return, plus get copies of my i.d., birth certificate, and paperwork concerning my sister’s stuff as well (she’s 12, and I’m her legal guardian). I’ll be spending tomorrow on the phone with the I.R.S., the cops, the credit companies, etc, instead of working to earn a living.
So to the spawn of a thrice cursed, inbred nimrod who did this to me, may you be sealed inside a barney costume, wired to electrodes that shock you any time you hear the word love, and made to film mindless children shows 16 hours a day for the next decade.
There’s a type of industrial handsoap that restaurants or malls sometimes use that smells like motor oil. That’s some really foul stuff!