Trying to get an objective point of view… My husband seems to have a feeding fetish. He finds it romantic to feed me. Not just cooking or serving me food, but actually putting it my mouth.
I don’t understand it and don’t really like it. First, when he’s holding the foot in front of my mouth for me to bite it, I can barely see what it is I’m eating. But more importantly, it feels demeaning to me, like I’m a baby who can’t feed myself. I know it is not intended this way. Of course not. But that’s what always comes to mind. He says it’s about love, which is great, but that’s the last thing on my mind. I have said this, but he doesn’t understand, and thinks I’m ungrateful.
So just wondering if anyone can explain from other points of view. Has anyone had my point of view, and how did you deal with it. Thanks
Maybe it is what he says it is, but it may also give him a feeling of control and power, because like you said, it makes you feel like you’re helpless and dependent on him. Do you feel like you’re being manipulated? If it creeps you out and makes you feel uncomfortable and you told him this, then that should be the end of the discussion right there. You feel what you feel and he should not discount (minimize? belittle?) your feelings. What he is asking should be a mutual thing, but it’s not. If it’s a deal breaker for him, he should move along. If not he should be understanding of your feelings.
Seriously, he may be remembering being fed this way as a young child, and he associates it with nurturing. Remind him that you’re an adult, and need to be nurtured in ways that are appropriate to an adult.
There are a couple circumstances when hand feeding your romantic partner is expected, or at least not viewed as overly odd. Hand feeding wedding cake to your new spouse at your wedding reception is seen as such a normal part of the marriage ritual that it is expected. And, more for men feeding women, hand feeding a chocolate covered strawberry is something of a romantic meme.
Perhaps the OP’s partner has taken those limited circumstances that are imbued with a romantic hue and expanded it to areas she is uncomfortable with. Giving a lover, one, singular chocolate on Valentine’s Day might feel ok while a fork laden with pot roast at dinner Tuesday night doesn’t have the same sexy appeal.
My girlfriend likes when I feed her oysters on crackers with brie cheese. Most any finger food. I think mostly because she doesn’t want to hold a plate in bed.
Simple curiosity. And following the line of the poster just ahead of me in gently questioning whether the OP was sincere or was a drive-by agent provocateur.
Seeing as you are married, I assume that this fetish was only made “public” after marriage, and you didn’t get a chance to discuss it before.
Dealing with a partner who has different sexual triggers is hard. He likes the feeding. You don’t. There’s no way to change him completely, but marriage is all about negotiation and compromise.
Set up date nights where he can feed you, from time to time. In exchange, set up date nights where you can be treated (or treat him) in a way that makes you happy. And have just plain date nights where you both can have intimate time without pressures. Try to keep a balance that makes you and him happy.
If he truly has a fetish, it’s not likely to leave him. The best option is to manage his expectations and… talk to each other all the time. Fetishes can and do change, both in intensity and direction, even though the underlying “thing” might not.
For example he may be convinced that it’s enough to just watch you eat sushi (an easily sexualisted food stuff, given the price, “exoticness”, and method of delivery- chopsticks)
Or he might be satisfied with feeding you the occasional cookie.
The internet can’t really help beyond that advice, every person is different. Relaying relationship advice to someone you’ve never met is not ideal.
In either case, I would suggest a therapist for both of you. When I started seeing one (for totally unrelated stuff) I was incredibly scared of revealing myself at first, but it did not take long for long term positive effects to kick in. Now I think that everyone should be seeing a psychotherapist. Everyone.
Speaking as a person with a fetish (but not that particular one), my advice is this:
Try to understand what your husband likes about it. Talk to him. If he’s reluctant to talk about it, or has difficulty expressing his thoughts/feelings clearly, then look elsewhere for information - either on the internet, or in books. This will help you learn about the various aspects of the practice that others find appealing; the specific aspects your husband likes will probably be on that list.
Even after you understand your husband’s feelings about it, you may not ever come to like it - but it’s possible you won’t find it so repellent, and maybe you’ll be willing to indulge in it once in a while to please him (and hopefully he is equally giving and willing to do things for/with you that don’t give him big thrills).
Meanwhile, your husband needs to understand that his fetish is HIS, and not yours. My wife doesn’t like motorcycling, loud music, or my fetish, and that’s just the way it is; she and I are wired differently, and I don’t try to tell her that she “should” like any of those things.
