I have fought it hard for five years, and have been in a good place for the last five years despite lots of challenges. I think though I’ve hit a depression again…and this year it’s mostly from work. This is what I posted here awhile back:
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I’m feeling a bit bad lately. I’ve been in a teaching job for about five months. At best I can say it’s gone okay. I feel bad because the job is about to end, and I don’t feel I’ve left the best impression…yet at the same time I’ve worked on average 60 hours a week and I don’t know how I could have put in more time without losing my mind. I’ve had to teach a wide variety of new subjects, as well as three extra-curs. With the large teaching load, I feel that my I wasn’t able to deliver as strongly in my better areas (music) as I spent most of my planning time on the new material, and that the impression I’m leaving with music isn’t the best. I started in January (mid-year) and have had to deal with many transitional challenges with the kids to my expectations.
I don’t know what my employment status will be in September (working, subbing, or even beginning something new). I’ve worked hard and tried my best, but I feel like it’s just not (perhaps not ever) good enough for what everyone wants of me. I’m taking a short nap before I get back to planning and organizing for the week. Right now I just feel like a bad teacher who just can’t keep up with the hectic pace of my job and school.
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I just real feel disconnected and unvalued at my job. Now that I’m almost done, I feel like no one at work cares one iota about me. The teacher I replaced is back, and she knows I’m not feeling the best. I force myself to work, stay positive, but also keep my head low. I take lots of breaks to the bathroom just to have alone time. I avoid the lunch room…I just want to be out of the school. It’s only one week until I finish. But I don’t know how I can go into another teaching job. It’s my third job in 8 years in three different divisions, and each job seems to end on a down note. I think it’s time to admit I’m not cut out for this anymore. I just don’t have what it takes. All that I carry in my head are all the negative experiences…and how much I don’t measure up to the other teachers, and how I let down kids. I also never feel like I fit in at schools, like I’m an odd personality type for the job. I’m tired all the time, I’ve even gone to bed at 5:00 after school and slept in until 7:30.
As a side note, I’m also really hard on myself and I don’t know how to stop being hard on myself. Maybe it would serve me better in a different career. One week till summer…than I can heal myself. 
The thing about teaching is that it is like a sponge. It will gladly soak up anything you give to it- time, energy, emotion. There is always going to be more that you could be doing, harder you could be working, and more that you can be giving. But as you’ve noticed, that’s the quick way to burnout, and a burned out teacher give nothing to anyone. She can still know she is committed to something for that night, but be surprised by how it shakes out.
The thing about teaching is that it is like a sponge. It will gladly soak up anything you give to it- time, energy, emotion. There is always going to be more that you could be doing, harder you could be working, and more that you can be giving. But as you’ve noticed, that’s the quick way to burnout, and a burned out teacher give nothing to anyone.
The first thing you need to do is set a definition of “a successful year” that is not out in the stratosphere. Look back to your high school teachers- on the whole they added up to a good thing, but it’s not like it’s a matter of life and death that each one gave a top performance each and every class. So define what is important and realistic for you to achieve in a year. I’m not a music teacher, but it may be teaching a particular piece, or arranging two public performances, or mentoring 3 promising students for 2 hours a week. If you reach that, then maybe bump them up a bit. But commit to that definition of success beforehand, so you don’t revise it when you are looking back.
Second, you need to put some boundaries on your time and in your heart. 60 hour weeks are not healthy. Are there any places where the marginal benefit of your effort is low? If the essay that takes you 4 hours to grade only gives a 10% extra benefit over the multiple choice that takes 1 hour to grade, you may want to make that trade off and use the extra effort to avoid burnout and assure this whole venture is sustainable.
And remember, at any given time half the planet is just phoning it in. If you show up, and make some effort, you are already in the top 10% of teachers. Don’t beat yourself up for being a normal guy working a normal job.
Perhaps you could go into a different field. I can’t tell if it’s education or music you’re most interested in, but there’s administration, school board, private tutoring, etc. Or for music, you could teach private one on one lessons, work in theater, for a church, or sell instruments. Open yourself to try something different. Every time I got a new job and it was above my skills and experience, I figured it out and excelled. It makes you more valuable to have a breadth of work experiences.
So guess what? Today I got offered a job for the fall. 90% time from Sept to June…at a school with the opposite style of my current school. I think it may be kind of awesome…absolutely another experiment with teaching to see how sustainable it is.
Congratulations, Quasi.
I know two teachers and they were both going nuts the last week of school. They’re in decompression mode, now. I’m guessing that the last week of school isn’t the best time to evaluate the benefits of teaching.
There’s a world of difference between having your own classroom and being a sub (even a long-term sub).
You’ll feel better and do better when you have your own room and your own space.