I Don't Think I Want to Teach Anymore

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

On preview, please excuse the stream of consciousness rambling. I’m just need to get this all out and hopefully find someone else who felt like this at some point…
Well the thread title pretty much sums it all up right there.

Teaching is all I have ever wanted to do. It’s in my blood. I eat, sleep, and breathe math, which is what I now teach to high schoolers. I am so passionate about the subject and want nothing more than to share that passion with others.

So what’s the problem, you ask?

Well to put it bluntly, I think I suck as a teacher. I have never felt so completely out of place in my life. It’s as if all the other teachers have this aura about them, this sense of just knowing what to do that I lack completely. Some people call it withitness.

I go in to school everyday counting down the hours until I can leave.

Everyone that I talk to says that it will get easier with time. I just graduated this past December. I got a job right away at a small charter school. The school proved to be too restrictive and too focused on the wrong things, so I left when offered another job that is much closer to home. I’ve been here only since Monday. The kids here are great, so is the faculty and administration. It seems like it should be the ideal place for a teacher.

I feel like I just can’t seem to figure it all out. I keep thinking how amazingly easy it would be to just walk away from it all. I’m so freaked out that I’d be willing to take an hourly job at a department store just to get away from all the pressure. But I just bought a new house with my fiance who I’m living with for the first time. Quitting would mean not just letting myself down but him as well.

I feel like any moment now someone is going to find me out for what I truly am - a fake.

I got amazing letters of recommendation from my university professors, student teaching co-ops, former bosses, etc. They all think that I’ve got what it takes. So why can’t I convince myself of the same?

Has anyone else ever felt the same way - teacher or otherwise?

2

I have felt that way dozens of times.

You have got to give yourself some time, and cut yourself some slack. Stop judging your insides by other people’s outsides! None of those folks came into the profession with that aura (if they actually have it at all- that might just be your fear projecting).

You are going to do just fine. Relax and don’t sabotage yourself. Everything will look a bit different tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, etc. This too shall pass.

Good teachers with a passion for what they do are a rare jewel- please don’t cut and run too early. There are kids who desperately need you.

3

I think you’re about to get an epiphany, courtesy of the Dope.

I can’t say that EVERYONE feels that way. But I can say that a whole lot of people do. I’ve written before that adulthood consists mostly of trying to fake your way through it. In my mind, I’m still 16 and a total dumbass who’s more likely to trip and fall down the stairs than successfully process a welfare applicant.

It’s normal to feel like this.

4

Thanks for the reassurances. Rationally, I know that what you are saying is 100% true. It’s getting my gut to match up with my rational side that’s the issue.

5

I, too, am a Dec. '05 grad in math ed who got a job right away, realized it wasn’t the right environment for me, and then switched. I wound up back where I did my student teaching (a science and math magnet school). I’m loving it right now. I don’t feel like I have the right stuff at the moment because I’m so exhausted from lesson planning and prep work. However, I can say for a fact that it will get easier in the Spring (I saved all my lessons from student teaching so that will cut down on my prep time).

The best advice I got when I was still in school was “Decide now to teach for your second year.” So I’m already of the mindset that I’m giving it two years. At the end of that, if I still don’t feel good about it (or I see I can get a better job out of teaching that I would love), then I can bail. Give it a second year, and then decide.

6

The hows and the whys and the whos of me teaching this semester are entirely different than your situation. My first day of class went just fine–but I’m dreading day two. (I only teach two mornings a week, it’s a two year career college). I think I have a plan to fix some of my nerves. But I can relate to your feelings–and I assure you my co-workers are all sure I’ll do just fine–and one of them is more scared than I am.

Give it at least a semester, better yet a year. Find a mentor willing to share some of that Aura with you, and have confidence that you can do what you want to do.

7

I agree you have to give yourself time but…

My friend went to school for 4 years to get her teaching degree. When she was a sophomore in HS she knew she wanted to be a teacher. Heck, probably before that she knew. She was our field commander in marching band, always very mature and a good leader. She graduated Suma Cum Laude with her teaching degree.

After she graduated she couldn’t get a permanent job in the district she wanted, but she got a good permanent sub job. She hated it with a passion. Nothing good to say about the job ever. Then she got a permanent position the next year as the ESL teacher for the district. Also hated it with a passion. Loved the kids, loved some of the administration - hated the kids’ parents, the state and federal laws, and her peers.

After MUCH agonizing…crying herself sick daily…she quit. She Was SO embarassed about having made “the wrong choice”…“wasting all that education”…“letting her mom and husband down”…all the same stuff you’re worried about.

She had a really hard time adjusting to a different career (secretary). She went through 5 jobs after quitting teaching before FINALLY landing the job she can say she loves. It took her a long time to get over her embarassment and disappointment…but as her friend I am relieved, her husband is relieved, her mom is relieved - everyone is relieved that she’s happy.

She was able to get through it all (barely) with the support of her husband. You need to be talking about this with your fiance. I’m hopeful he’ll be supportive and would rather have you not be depressed and hating your job than think you’re letting him down. You’ll be letting him and yourself down a lot more if you are unhappy with your career for the rest of your life - trust me.

Good luck. Wether you quit, or end up liking teaching, it will work out.

8

How does a teacher go about keeping everything straight?

I have to plan lessons, remember who was absent to get them make-up work, plan ahead for kids who already know they’ll be out later on, make accomodations for learning support kids, make and grade assessments, figure out the workings of a new school, deal with the pressures of state standards meaning EVERYTHING to a fledgling charter school, all while having a set curriculum (ie a textbook) for only 3 of my 5 classes, etc., etc., etc. Just when I think I’m on top of things, something else comes crashing down.

AAAHHH!!!

9

Relax.

Every job in the world starts the same way.

Day 1 – Euphoria
Signing forms, getting settled in at your desk, arranging your pencils just so, color coding all your folders, getting to know your co-workers.

Day 2 – Panic
How do I do this? I need a form, where are the forms? I’ve never seen this before! Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!!!

If you quit right now and got a job at a department store, you would experience the same panic the first time you had to handle a return, or a credit card was declined.

Take a moment, take a deep breath. Repeat to yourself “I am so passionate about this, and I want to share my passion with others.”

Now, go share it!

10

Hee hee! I sympathize. (JH and HS Computer Science Teacher here)

The worst possible thing that can happen to a young, enthusiastic teacher-to-be, who has spent days upon end dreaming of the techniques they will use to impart knowledge to young minds…is to step in front of their first class.

There is nothing worse than starting to teach for the first time, “without a net”. Assisting, student teaching, all of it seems to indicate to you what it will be like when you have your own class to yourself to do things your way. but somehow it doesn’t.

It’s really hard at first. It will get easier.

11

DoperChic, from your post, it doesn’t sound like you hate your job, it sounds like you feel insecure about yourself. Everybody feels that from time to time. You love what you do, you are just afraid that you are fucking it up. I’ve been there. I think a number of people feel that way. They are afraid that they don’t know what they are doing and they are winging it. I feel that every so often as well.

I suspect that you are probably a perfectionist. I’m willing to bet that many of your colleagues are winging it to some degree. Give yourself a chance. Besides, if it wasn’t work then they wouldn’t have to pay us.

12

You’ve gotten some good advice here. Definitely give it time. You may wind up like ZipperJJ’s friend, but you sound a lot more like a new teacher than a teacher who found the wrong career path.

No one would have recommended you highly if they didn’t think you coul do the job. Talk to some of your colleagues. Ask them how they felt in their first teaching job. Chances are, you’ll find that many/most of them went through the same thing.

As for keeping things straight: if you don’t have teacher-specific software, use spreadsheets or just a gradebook of you don’t want to do this electronically. Start putting together categories of follow-up items: homework, tests, etc and develop a way to keep lists of outstanding next steps for each class and each student. Again, ask colleagues what works for them. I’m sure every competent teacher in your school has a method. Listen for what you’d be comfortable with. You can refine all of this the first year and the second year will be much less panic-inducing.

Also, scour the internet for info. There are lots of websites with subject-specific tips and resources.

Good luck.

GT

13

I’m feeling the same way right now as a new professor. This isn’t even my first full-time teaching job, but I am just joining the tenure track.

I’m barely keeping up with lecture prep, I’m behind on grading, and I’m going absolutely nuts with all the meetings I have to go to and the students knocking on my door every hour of the goddamn day.

The thing the petrifies me is that I’m not even expected to serve on committees or work very much on my scholarly research in the first year. So even if I survive the first year, how the hell am I supposed to handle all the teaching, and do all that?

What’s helping me is talking to my colleagues, both new professors like myself and also experienced professors who tell me, yeah, the first year is crazy, and there are many crazy years after that, but we get through it.

See if you can find a mentor or two among the more experienced faculty, or arrange to meet at a bar for a happy hour to commiserate with some other new teachers, and get some perspective on the situation.

Also, really, I know you don’t feel like you have time to get organized (that’s how I felt last week!), but you must be organized. If you don’t know how, there’s no shame in that, but find a workshop on time management or get a book (I like Getting Things Done) or something. Searching frantically for missing papers, missing meetings, rushing through work at the last minute costs you time and energy and will suck your will to live. You must have a filing system that works for you, and a system to handle your to-do list, and a neat and organized calendar. At minimum. I’m using all those tools now, and I’m doing better than I was last week, but I still feel that I am in danger of being snowed under. sigh When you get it all figured out, let me know how you did it.

14

Give it time. Ask for help from more experienced teachers, and in the first few days of classes, don’t worry too much about what needs to be accomplished for 6 months from now. Figure out this week, then you can really focus on the material. You sound like you do want to teach, but want to be “the perfect teacher” right away. You know that can’t happen. It’s a constant learning curve, but I’m sure you can do it. My mom is a teacher, and she still says she learns something new every day. And although it isn’t always easy, although it can be totally overwhelming, it is worth it. Teaching can be very rewarding - give yourself a chance for those rewards to come back to you.

I second the “two year” advice. Let the craziness settle down, learn the ins and outs of the school and school system, and then make an educated choice, not an emotional one. Your happiness is important, but I think the stress of a new job might be putting things out of perspective.

The world needs good teachers. Good luck.

15

Thank you so much to everyone who responded for all your kind words. It really has helped. It’s so easy to get completely overwhelmed at times.

I went and had a nice long talk with my fiance. He echoed everything said here.

Tomorrow, I’m going to see if I can watch a few other teachers in action during my free periods (I’m lucky enough to have several). I’d also like to pick their brains and see how they dealt with first year issues. I am so lucky to have the amazing faculty around me that I do. I have been personally welcomed by just about each of them. They all worked so hard to make sure that I felt like part of their little family which is amazing.

It’s close to midnight here and I am due in to school in about 8 hours :eek: so I’m going to call it a night, folks.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.

I <3 SDMB.

Ooohhh I hope that isn’t close enough to count as leet speek.

16

DoperChic, you sound normal to me. Everybody who starts teaching wants to quit and generally feels that they suck at some level. (I personally did the following: broke a chair out of frustration, sat in a closet at home and cried for an hour, sat in the office of the certification specialist in the district and cried for like half an hour, and actually wondered what would happen if I had an “accident” that kept me out of school for a few days.) I was teaching in a truly dysfunctional school and one day the principal announced - on the intercom - that he was looking for teachers to volunteer to be reassigned. One of the teacher trainers saw me going to his office after the announcement (more like running). I thought she had it in for me, but she said that she really thought I should stay, because I was getting better and doing good things for the kids. (It’s December and the first bit of positive feedback from an administrator!)

Fast forward about three months, I’ve just been named Teacher of the Month at my school (I got the parking spot closest to the building!) and the principal calls me and the veteran second grade teacher in and tells us that since we were the last hired, one of us would have to transfer to another school. Long story short, I convinced the principal and the veteran teacher that I should be the one to stay with my fourth graders.

So what happened? Essentially, I was forced to grow up fast. I was an honors grad, BMOC-type student leader in college. Success came easy, and if it didn’t come, working harder would do the trick. Teaching is different. It doesn’t come easy, and sometimes working harder actually makes you less effective. You have to take a step back and see what’s working, then build on that, one step at a time. Just as you are patient with your students you must be patient with yourself.

As many have said… steal, steal, steal good ideas and management techniques from other teachers. No points for originality in this field! Find one thing a day that you want to improve and go for it. Reward yourself and the students when you reach that goal. Find a mentor… and find the humor and fun in your work. Every single day something would happen with my kids or with me that would crack me, or my friends, up. Problem was, I was so caught up in dwelling in my suckitude to notice. I didn’t feel 100 percent better the first day after I decided to focus on the positive, but it did suck less, until I could honestly say I enjoyed my job.

Getting through the first year is worth it for the relative ease and mastery you will feel during the second. (Of course it won’t be easy and you wouldn’t have mastered much, but it is 500 percent better and easier because you know what the hell to expect, and you have a sense of what will happen next. You’re the expert because you’ve done it before and the students look to you for direction. But you only get there by getting through the first year.

You sound way too bright and way too dedicated to give up on your dream, and give up on your kids… think about who will be teaching them if you leave. Will they care as much and be as dedicated to changing their lives as you? Prolly not.

Tell people you’re struggling and having a hard time keeping your head up. I guarantee that your peers, who sound super supportive, will give you feedback on all that you’re doing that’s changing the kids for the better. And start the process of sucking less small - don’t try to become Superteacher overnight, because it takes time.

(The other first-year teachers are totally hiding the fact that they suck as well. I know teachers who gained honors in their building, in the district, even nationally and they’ve all told me that they, like me, sucked when they first started… but got better. You will too!)

17

Sounds like a completely typical, normal first year of teaching to me–you’re doing fine, I’m sure. I, too, had rave reviews and recommendations from professors and mentors, and then thought I was going to implode before the first month ended. A few times I actually went to bed at 7:30pm, and I HATED Sundays because it meant I had to go back.

Now in my 10th year teaching, I LOVE what I do. I hate the political bullshit and administrative bullshit, but hey, that’s life and jobs everywhere: steeped in bullshit.

Give yourself time, space, and forgiveness. One mentor teacher told me to give up being a skilled instructor the first year–it WILL be your worst year as an actual teacher–but what you bring to the students that I can’t is a first year teacher’s enthusiasm and dedication. There’s a LOT to be said about that. My mom (a 30+ year teaching veteran) also told me–those kids are going to learn despite you. You’re just there to guide them along the way.

Hang in there and email me if you need.

18

When I’ve come up against tough assignments, one of the things I’ve done that really help is focus on the basics. Don’t get fancy. Basically, your job is to show up at the classroom every day for the prescribed hours and tell the kids what they need to know to pass the tests. Do that. Let the rest … the forms, the missing kids, the kids who need lots of help … fall out naturally as you work. If you get in there and do the basics, the rest gets easier.

19

You are having a completely normal first year of teaching. Remember, in education, the nervous breakdown isn’t an anomaly; it’s a rite of passage.

Hang in there. Find some compassionate and wise teachers to hang out with, and steal ideas from them. Get plenty of sleep, plenty of exercise, don’t take too much work home with you, and drink on the weekends.

20

Many, many years ago, in an universe far, far away…

I was a weekend shift lab tech. My boss decided he didn’t want to take part in an international project because he hates traveling and asked the factory manager why not send me. I didn’t see any reason not to send me, no sir, so a few weeks later I was in this meeting.

In Loooooondon. Well, actually it wasn’t London, but close enough. Parts foreign.

With a bunch of people from De U S A and a bunch of Lab Managers from all over Europe and one from South Africa, which isn’t Europe as one may deduce from the name. And the guys from the USA explained some stuff; half of it sounded to me like it was Greek (my knowledge of which is limited to “kalimera” “kalispera” “kalinikta” and “pakaló”, i.e., good morning/afternoon/evening and please); the other half, like it was upside down. And I was thinking “oh my God what am I doing here, I’m merely a lab tech, and weekend shift to boot, and all these people are managers, and they make like twice what I make, and I didn’t understand half of what this guy said, and how am I supposed to make this work if I don’t even understand what is it I am supposed to do”.

And the woman from South Africa says “excuse me… I’m sorry and, uh, I’m not the lab manager s”“youtoo?” The you too interruption was in stereo: turns out the three smallest factories (Spain, Sweden and South Africa) weren’t represented by the lab managers. In the upcoming months it also turned out that, because the three of us had less to lose than the People With Offices, we weren’t afraid to ask questions and push and pull and reinvent the wheel whenever it had been drawn as a square.

Were you born knowing Bolzano’s Theorem? Rings and Groups and the demonstration to how to solve a quadratic equation? No, you weren’t.

I’ve got news for you: the other teachers weren’t born knowing the stuff you don’t know :slight_smile: And you have much to gain and little to lose: ask questions!