Please pardon the rather rambling post. I just had to put my thoughts out into the world and see what kind of response I get.
I’m in my first year of a tenure-track position at a really good school. It’s only been two months, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve made a big mistake.
I’ve got two preps and both seem to be going pretty well and keeping me very busy. Grading, of course, is overwhelming at this point in the semester. I’ve taught before so none of this came as a surprise to me.
What has surprised me is my reaction to this job. I dread everything. It’s so bad that on Sundays, I’m in tears. I even find myself fantasizing about bad things happening that would prevent me from having to teach on Monday. This can’t be a normal reaction to the stress. I know that my desire to teach a good class will never go away. And if my reaction to that stress is near-suicidal, there’s something wrong.
What I’ve always wanted to do is go to vet school. I’ve started to apply several times and the practicalities of it always stop me. My husband is very supportive of me pursuing school, even though I’m the primary breadwinner. The problem is I’ve already missed the deadline to apply for the 2007-2008 admission cycle. So, I have to wait until next October to apply.
In the meantime, I’m stuck in a job that is draining my sanity and it’s not helping my fledgling marriage. I’ve signed a one-year contract, so I’m stuck until May, right? Then, I have to decide whether I stay for another year or take an interim job (which would entail a move; this town is tiny).
So, academic dopers, am I crazy? Does everyone go through this? Would it be better to bail at the end of this year or should I stick it out for another year? I know there are people out there who would kill for this job and that just makes me feel even more guilty.
Is this your first year teaching at all? No, wait, you say you’ve done this. . . first year full time? Is there something about this gig that’s different somehow from the other gigs? What’s the new problem, do you think? I think the vet school question is a different issue and you’re looking for an escape route, but you should figure out what is causing your current freakout.
I agree that you shouldn’t break your contract if you ever want to teach again. It sounds like your stress level is not normal. Is it associated with particular thoughts?
First, talk to your principal or whoever is in charge of taking care of the faculty. You may just need a mentor or some more resources.
If that doesn’t do it and you decide there is absolutely nothing to do but get out of there, review your contract. It will have provisions for you leaving without breaking it.
I was in a hellish teaching position last year and went through a lot of what you’re describing. I reviewed my contract with my union rep, told my district that I was moving back to California to care for my father, and left in the middle of the school year. It worked out.
Its never too late to go back to school – I started law school at 31 after leaving a job that I literally dreaded each and every day.
However, it is VERY difficult to get into vet school. Do you have any large or small animal experience? If not, you need to get some, now. Not all states require Vet techs to be licensed and it is a fair-paying job. I used to live in a VERY small town and it had 3 large animal practices and at least 5 small animal practices within 30mins commuting distance. I would look into that at least part-time to start to see if you are really into it.
This is my first year full-time, but I’ve designed and taught entire courses before. So, I don’t think it’s that I didn’t know what was coming. I knew that mid- to late-semester the stress level would be high. What I didn’t count on was my reaction. I can’t go through 4 months of every year absoluting dreading waking up in the morning.
The only real difference now is that it’s tenure-track. I told myself that I wouldn’t worry about it, but how can you not? The seven years between now and tenure are certainly a worry, but I’m not sure that tenure would rid me of this dread. It feels more like shackles than academic freedom. (Sacrilegious, I know, but it’s how I feel.)
Just work in general. Worried thoughts about classes occupy my mind constantly, even when I’m sleeping.
I know vet school is selective. This isn’t a flippant, “I wanna work with puppies”. I have taken all of the steps to ensure (as much as possible) that I would get in. My undergrad is from an ag school. I’ve worked for a vet. I’ve sought out lab animal work. I’ve worked for the USDA. My test scores are above the averages at the schools I want. And I have a PhD, so I don’t have a problem with advanced schooling. I’ve even gotten all of the apps ready at least twice. What’s stopped me every time is a good job offer.
None of that is meant to be sarcastic or mean, just to relay that I am serious about vet school. In fact, I think that’s part of the problem. I’ve always sort of had vet school in the back of mind as a “someday” thing. This job seems to be like giving up on that dream for good.
As a HS teacher, I want to say that the students’ learning is not entirely your responsibility. I have moved away from that, as it made me very unhappy, and even damaged my relationship with kids because I got so frustrated when they didn’t perform like I thought they should.
It’s your job to keep your temper and do a decent job of presenting things. It’s their job to participate. If they don’t, just remember that some people don’t like your subject no matter what, some people are raised very badly, and someone has to pave streets for a living.
Let it go. I’m really, extremely serious. I’ve been there, and it’s not good. I started peeling on my face from stress before I started to learn to let it go.
Hope my post didn’t come off as dismissive… it’s hard to tell what people know when they say “I wanna be a vet.” But, my point was, if you could get a vet tech job between the end of your contract and the start of school, you wouldn’t have to go back to your academic job and still be able to pay the bills.
In between my Job of Horrors and the start of law school I worked on a horse farm (teaching, mucking, holding for the vet ) . I was broke, but happy, and it was a good chance to clear my head,
I’ve been trying to do that, if only to make it through the rest of the semester. Any advice on how to do that? So far, my self-pep-talks haven’t been very effective.
No hard feelings. I knew where you were coming from. It makes me crazy to hear people (usually young people) say they want to be a vet because they like puppies. :smack:
Yes, I have contemplated an appropriate interim job. It’d probably be lab animal tech because I’m more likely to be competitive and it will likely have better benefits. I think that would still be beneficial for vet school admission.
BTW, the horse farm job sounds like a dream! Maybe someday I’ll be doing that on my own farm…
I swear I went through the posts twice, and I still haven’t figured out a few things. If my questions were covered, forgive me…I’ve been grading papers for two hours
What do you teach? What age? Public or private? What was your teaching education background?
What are the teaching conditions like…do you have the right materials, what are the students like, what is their socio-economic status, what is their reaction to you, do you like them?
I’ll have more questions after I get the answers to those
I don’t have any advice for current situation, but it sounds like you know what your calling is. I wish you well getting into vet school. It may be hard to get in, but it’s far from impossible so don’t be daunted by the scary statistics. Go for it. I’m glad I didn’t talk myself out of applying.
I teach science at the college level. I don’t feel comfortable giving more detail than that, small field and all. It’s an elite school, so the students are good. It is a more homogeneous population than I am used to, but I don’t think that’s all that’s bothering me. I like most of my students.
It’s a great job. The school is committed to excellent teaching and they support the faculty. The job itself has matched my expectations. I don’t think teaching at this level can get much better, so my unhappiness makes me think that perhaps this isn’t the career for me.
My classes seem to be going well. Some students really like me, a few really don’t like me and some just want to get out of class. I just did an informal mid-term eval of the class in my specialty and it has been well-received by most of the students. The “poor” evals are actually things I expected and plan to change.
I am really, really not an expert on this, but, given that you haven’t mentioned any specific external factors that are the source of your overwhelming stress, I’m wondering if the problem is something like clinical depression or anxiety, caused by brain chemicals or hormones gone amok, for which medication could help.
Yeah, I’ve thought about that and I am planning to see a therapist (again, if only to get through this contract). My instinct, though, is that depression isn’t the problem. Other than work, I’m really enjoying my life right now. All of these feelings are focused on my job.
I also doubt that it’s anxiety. I generally deal with stress well, usually working better under pressure. I just don’t seem to be responding well to this type of pressure.
Like I said, I’ll be seeing a therapist soon. Maybe that will be the answer.
Perhaps I have missed it, but what kind of pressure?
From what you have said, you get along well with your students (by and large), fellow faculty, and administrators. So that doesn’t seem like a likely cause.
Are you feeling overwhelmed with the workload of putting together a new (to you teaching it) course? That is perfectly normal. (Although, perhaps not to the degree you are feeling; but IANA therapist, etc.)
Is it the stress of making sure everything is ‘just right’ for the courses? Are you getting 80% of your work done quickly, then stressing about and spending hours getting the remainder perfect? IOW, are you stressing yourself to produce a product you feel you should be able to create, but is, in reality, unobtainable?
What I can tell you is that everyone goes through a major learning curve their first year. Those that stress over the quality of the program they put out usually go on to be some of the best teachers. But you have to remember that you are human too. Lemme put it this way: what would you say to a student who was pulling down a 99%, but was obviously stressing about her grade - to the point of having emotional breakdowns? You are allowed to make mistakes, you know.
I think that seeing a therapist would be a good idea. I am sure that discussing your current situation with someone actually in the room (as opposed to at the other end of the internet) will help you to sort out the roots and make healthy desicions to eliminate unnecessary stresses.
Hope this helps,
-Geek
Of course, i could be totally off base. Please forgive me if that’s the case.
When you think about going in to work, in the morning…exactly what makes your stomach turn? Think about all aspects of your job. Go through the entire day in your head. Go through everything. What gives you that feeling that you know so well? What gives you that feeling that lets you know something is wrong?
But, my point was, if you could get a vet tech job between the end of your contract and the start of school, you wouldn’t have to go back to your academic job and still be able to pay the bills.
) . I was broke, but happy, and it was a good chance to clear my head,