Mainly, it’s class. I’m having a really hard time balancing my teaching style. I know some students are getting it, but others aren’t. So what happens now is I give a lecture, lose a subset of students, purposefully design the next lecture to pick up those lost students, then I lose others. It’s a seemingly endless cycle and it’s making me crazy.
I also feel like I’m making mistakes left and right with my colleagues, so interactions with them worry me. Not “how’s your day” interactions, but “what do you think of this” interactions. I seem to be quite effective at finding landmines. I’ve also come to the realization that I don’t agree with those in power as much as I thought I did.
I am not an expert at all, but I am glad you are seeing a counselor about this. It sounds like more general anxiety or panic because a lot of different things are worrying you. When I am in a panicky mood, I think everything I have done is wrong and blow out of proportion the amount which other people are offended. I worry that I am a failure and will lose my job.
But even on meds, I still get so nervous before anything I have to lead, usually meetings. I wish that it would be cancelled and that I wouldn’t have to go for some reason. Lucky for me, I don’t have to do it every day and I can see where that would build up and become overwhelming.
I think this goes back to the “too hard on yourself for the last 20% of the task” mental state another poster referenced.
It is not possible to satisfy an entire class’s educational needs in just the class time provided. Face it, some people need a little extra help, and they are grown-ups responsible for getting the most out of their educations. If the top 75% of class is hanging in there you’re doing well. The others probably need additional assistance-- urge them to email you with questions, come in during office hours, go to writing clinic if that’s what’s needed, or however you would like to address their issues. One of my profs has a drop-in group question hour now that we are close to finals. Others maintain message boards for side questions and semi-related issues. These keep the class from being derailed by not-totally relevant questions or questions which, quite honestly, seem inane to the majority of the class. At the same time, the stragglers are not simply left behind.
One of my profs, otherwise an excellent professor, seems a little obsessed with the bottom 10% of my class. She goes over and over and over and over (and over) certain issues (sometimes just based on befuddled looks – face it, we’re in law school, we ALWAYS look befuddled) while the rest of us wish for some sort of firearm so we can blow our brains out and end the agony.
As a new instructor at the two-year career college level, I just want to say that your latest post makes me suspect that mostly you have new teacher nerves. Striking the right balance on topics, or going the right speed so that you don’t confuse people or lose them (or bore them to tears) is difficult to impossible. I’m sure even veteran teachers have problems with it. As such, I think you ought to at least get to the midpoint of your next semester before you start looking real hard for a new job. (Advice I’m not going to follow, but there are mitigating factors which I don’t plan on telling you about. And advice which is somewhat tempered by the sense that you might be running to something, not just running away from something).
For your other concerns-- the interactions with your colleagues, I’d be inclined to suspect that your perceptions of your interactions are not the same as those your peers have. Still, I understand the feeling you no doubt have that anything you say becomes much more weighty than you intended it to be.
I find a certain amount of transparency helpful–send your students a “how’s it going?” email asking about specific aspects of the course. Let your students know that you’re trying to vary your teaching so that students with different learning styles can all benefit. Ask them what methods of presentation work best for them. You’re likely to get a pretty wide distribution, which you can then put on the PowerPoint and discuss. In my experience, they don’t know that other people aren’t the same as them in terms of learning style, classroom preferences, etc.
Yeah, I thought you were in public schools. If you’re at college, your responsibility is much less. Plus, you can kick them out a lot easier.
I agree that it sounds like you’re stressing about the idea of having everything perfect. If 20% of the students don’t get your lecture, that’s probably par for a new teacher. Can you crib another professor’s lecture notes? The way I cover myself is telling kids they can make up anything. That way, I can help them fix anything if they will just try, and it relieves the pressure to get everything perfect the first time.
If the confused kids can’t come to office hours, then what can you do? It’s college. Fix The Problem. Don’t just sit there and let it happen to you. Make an effort. I expect that a good bit from 15 year-olds, and you can, much more.
The simple fact is that in every class there is someone who is not qualified. I have never heard of a class or qualification worth anything that everyone passed. I expect to lose 2-4 students every semester break, because they just aren’t science people and aren’t the type who will make the effort to come in and make up exams.
I’ve told myself that I have a job, not a crusade to change the world. I know some teachers view themselves in some heart-warming world-beater paradigm, but currently I can’t. When I do, my skills don’t really allow for success, and then I get frustrated.
I’m currently teaching two classes of HS juniors who just need a science class so the school can give them the state science test, and I will be surprised if 3 kids per class graduate with even an Associate’s. About 1/3 of them aren’t on track to graduate from HS. So, they’re 16, a clown in class, raised to think that living 10 to a house and working for $10/hr is perfectly normal and their future. (This close to the Mexican border, those are realities, not stereotypes.) I’m supposed to fix this kid in less than one hour of contact a day? I can encourage the ones who are looking for encouragement. The rest can just jump. I also realize that a lot of young punks finally grow up and are decent people. Most of these will too.
I’d guess that losing about 20% on any given day is about right at a state school (i.e. some place where they aren’t playing buckets AND buckets of money and they aren’t hand-held as tightly). You know, it probably has nothing to do with you. No matter what you do you would lose those kids. Why? Well, some of them don’t give a damn most of the time, some of them are fucking around on whatever particular day, and some of them just honestly aren’t very bright. In the end it’s their responsibility, and there’s nothing more you can do about it and you should just foster a sense of healthy distance. It’s not your job to work twice as hard to forcefeed material to those last 2 kids out of 65 who a) simply should find something they have more aptitude for and b) need to stop texting pals during class and whining about how the midterm review is on the same time as [some stupid crap having to do with Greek rush].
There. I feel better. Long week.
Without specific areas of the job that are stressing you out, and specific incidents that can be cited, I wonder if you are looking for something that cannot be achieved.
The following is purely my experience with somebody very close and dear to me, I am not saying you are in the same situation, but just that its something to bear in mind.
She has NEVER had a job where she is happy, she chases jobs that she wants to do, but then there is always a problem of some sort that makes her “hate her job”. I suspect that she has a romanticised view of work as something that you would do even if you weren’t getting paid (which I feel is a little unrealistic as very few people ever truely achieve that). It sounds like you are getting mighty stressed, when there is nothing OUT OF THE ORDINARY to be stressed about. Perhaps you really want to evaluate what you expect out of working life. To me, you sound like you are new in any career, and new to a serious job. Work is never fun, nor a bed of roses, sometimes you just need to learn to appreciate that, considering you are working and giving up your leisure - this is enjoyable.
Examine your motives for Vet school very carefully, it sounds like you are superb at your job, and going places - are you sure you want to abandon what can be a very successful, and rewarding career to start something new, that may again turn out to be not what you expected?
OK. Focus on this. This one seems to be a Big Point. What I’ll try to explain is what I do when I find myself at a crossroads; I can’t promise it will work for you but it may.
Picture your life now. Everything in it. Your spouse, your house, your family, your friends, your coworkers, your students. The good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
Set that image aside.
Picture your life without the “I’m never going to be a vet”. Paint this picture without the tenure track. It’s a one-year teaching job.
Is this second one a better picture? If it is, the “tenure” is the problem. If it’s not, the core problem lies someplace else; look for other things that you may be missing. If the second picture is better, paint a third picture:
Paint your life now but the job is a one-year job and you’re applying to vet school in the fall and getting in.
If this is the picture that makes you feel most at peace/joyful, there you are!
Once you find your solution, you should find it a lot easier to get through this time. It’s similar to the way many people feel when they’ve been given a diagnosis and scheduled for surgery: “yes, I still hurt, and yes the surgery’s scary and I know I’ll have a couple very bad days right after it, but boy I’m glad it’s solved!”
Something I left out (I really have to stop doing this and I do preview and all):
You may find out that the pressure from tenure is the problem but that the solution is not in vet school but in something else. For example, in taking your job one year at a time and knowing that the world won’t end if your contract ends seven years from now. Wouldn’t be the first time something like that’s happened to me - the most evident solution isn’t necessarily the best.
Thank you for all of your replies. I apologize for taking so long to get back to this thread.
I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit. I know that part of the problem is wanting all of the students to do well. I am working to get over that and it is getting better. Mostly because I’m really taking pleasure in the ones that do get it. The second contributor is the idea of tenure and putting down roots in this community. It just doesn’t feel like home to us, though I know that is likely to change with time.
Mostly though I have realized that vet school is really what I want. Though I acknowledge that I am running from something, I’m also running towards something I really want. I’ve been ignoring that desire and doing what’s practical for too long. I’ve proven that I can do the professor route and I know I won’t miss it. It’s about time I do what my heart tells me is right. It’s been telling me that I should be a vet for as long as I can remember.
In the meantime, I have to finish this year. So, I’ve been reading up on teaching theory and pedagogies. I’m determined to give the students I have this year worthwhile classes. It would be too easy to just phone it in. I can do better than that. Any advice on how to accomplish that and keep my sanity is still appreciated.