Feeling like a loser makes me grouchy!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

What the heck? I was usually an optimistic, happy-go-lucky, easygoing kinda gal, who believes (often in spite of all indications to the contrary) that Things Will Be Better Tomorrow. My marriage took a lot of that out of me, but since my husband moved out, I’ve recovered that mentality quite a lot. Frankly, I’ve been a much happier gal in the last few weeks.
So why am I suddenly feeling like a loser? This isn’t like me. I’m finding that when I think about my job, my attending school to be a massage therapist, my little antiques business, my progressively-cleaner house…all of this stuff, which should be labelled “GOOD” in my brain, seems to be covered with little sticky notes that say “Inadequate!”, “Wacky!”, “Self-indulgent!”, “Not enough!”…well, you get the idea.
I think part of my dilemma arose when I talked to a friend of mine about my future as a massage therapist. I told him how someday I might pursue massage therapy as a means of helping those in need of positive messages about their bodies–battered women, rape victims, etc. His response was to remind me that, you know, you aren’t gonna make any MONEY doing that kind of work.
Huh? I was actually, for once in my life, rather speechless. Later, of course, my self-image issues kicked in, and I started worrying about this whole money thing. Would my kids be better off if I went back to teaching, thereby increasing our income (and my stress level) but decreasing my time with them? Am I being selfish or doing the right thing for my family by doing what I’m doing with my life? Am I, in fact, DOING anything at all with my life? Workwise, I’m content being a paper carrier right now. Is that a bad thing, not having a Career, not caring about money as long as I can pay the bills?
Then there’s the whole separation issue. My husband still wants to come home, and there is some glimmer, however faint, of hope that we might work things out, although I expect that it will not be for at least 6 months or so. He insists that he loves me and wants to work it out.
And you know what? I’m not sure. I think this is largely my own self-esteem problem, as I said, but I can’t help wondering why? Why would anyone love me enough to go through this? Why on earth would he want to come BACK, after he was so clearly unhappy for so long?

I’m perplexed. Not in major trouble as far as depression goes, but just…insecure, maybe. I guess some serious self-examination is in order, and a bit of pulling up by the bootstraps. It’s hard right now, though. I’m glad I have the SDers to lean on a bit, and I hope y’all don’t mind too much.

Best,
karol

2

Do what you love and HAPINESS will follow. As long as your family is supported and not in too much financial risk it is perfectly fine for you to do the job you want to do. And I admire that you are thinking of a job to help others. And as you said, a higher paying job only takes away from the time you can spend with your children.

Good luck with everything :slight_smile:

3

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! I can play this game!
It’s called: ** Guilt Trip. **

I’m on it every day, executive club status :smiley:

So, I have no advice to offer other than buy lottery tickets.

4

bodypoet, a fear of the unknown can be very scary. Your relationship with your husband may have been bad but, it was familiar.

Always knowing what tommorrow will bring may feel safe even though it’s not always the best situation for us. You are not a loser. It takes amazing strenghth, courage and self-awareness to leave the predictable in favor of the unknown.

You are not selfish in trying to make yourself happy. It’s possible you are showing your children that it’s sometimes necessary to make changes in your life, however scary, in order to achieve some peace of mind.

If you are happy being a paper carrier then stay with it for as long as you want. I don’t think children care or think about finances, I’m sure that given the choice, they’d choose more time with you.

Good luck to you and your husband. Don’t ever fear change if you know in your heart it’s the right thing. :slight_smile:

Honey

5

boil it down.

you threw in so many different issues here… i’m not exactly sure what you are wanting or asking.

“'Inadequate!”, “Wacky!”,“Self-indulgent!”, “Not enough!”…well, you get the idea. "

First off… what’s so bad about being “wacky”?
“Self indulgent”… well it is YOUR life. (of course, including your children’s well being)
“Inadequate”… that’s harsh. care for yourself like you were caring for a plant or for your children. give yourself the best input to get the best output. even if you are not fully convinced you are totally adequate at all times… start by telling yourself you are. be your own coach… your own best friend
“not enough”… do you ever think you would feel you were enough?

6

bodypoet, your kids will be just fine. Not being rich does not make you a bad parent.

This happens to everyone who has made a decision to follow their dreams. Someone comes along and tells them “It’ll never work, you’re kidding yourself, you’ll never make it…” blah blah blah.

You’re together, you’re sane, you know what you’re doing. Just remember that and you can fend off attacks on your self esteem by outside forces.

And whatever you do, make absolutely sure you’re willing to hold your husband to every single one of his promises before you take him back. If you want to take him back, that’s one thing, but you don’t need him to survive. Only take him back if you still love him and want to be with him. Advocate for yourself. Represent!

Good luck!

7

pfft!

If it’s what you want to do, go for it. I think you’ve “earned” that.

there you go then. Freedom, hope and the expectation of things getting better, will do that to a person. Think about why you are happier each time those self doubts creep in, and when they do, be quick to smack them upside the head with the Mighty Bat of Self-Worth :wink:

8

for some people money is happiness. for some people helping others is happiness. yes, financial security is wonderful. sometimes no matter how much money you have, it can disappear rather quickly. ask an enron employee.

there is a reason that the founding fathers wrote: “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” pursue happiness, bodypoet, all else will follow.

9

Don’t let other people steal your dreams!!! My husband does this to me a lot and then I end up failing before I even begin. Fortunately, I recognize this now and am defending against it.

10

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

When I went back to school in 1996, my (now) ex-husband was against it, because it meant I would no longer have to rely on him completely. I went anyway, and he made it damn difficult for me. He’d cut into my study time, hogged the computer so I couldn’t do my homework, and was a general jerk about it. I managed to get my work done in spite of him. (Thank God for the school’s computer labs and my parents, who allowed me to use theirs when I needed to.) At the end of the quarter, I opened my report card and found a 4.0 average. Guess who became the Proudest Husband Around?

The moral of this story is: Don’t let anyone dissuade you from what you want to do. As long as you’re willing to do the work, it will work itself out.

Robin

11

bodypoet,
good luck.

I’m just posting here to say that everyone else’s posts really struck me! Direct, to the point, succinct and thoughtful. I feel fortunated to read this message board.

12

I feel fortunate too, Global Citizen.

Today is a little better. I know that at least part of my feeling down is that I’m not getting enough sleep–when I don’t rest, I can definitely tell a difference in how depressed I feel. So I’m working on that–slept a good long time this morning, and am trying to get my nightly schedule in some kind of order.

I’m sort of surprised at how much the money comment threw me. I had my buddy pegged as being…well, more like me, heh, and here he comes out with this sort of comment that my dad would make, if he hadn’t disowned me for wasting my life. So I spent some time kind of flailing around, trying to figure out if maybe money really IS more important than I make it out to be, if I should be doing more, etc. He (my friend, and I do mean “friend” and not “potiential SO”) also implied (not in a mean way, but a sort of world-view way) that I could “find the time” to start yet another business, if it was a priority. On that point, I believe my response will be something along the lines of “Bite me”* next time the conversation takes that particular turn. I already spend more than a normal work week either working or in school or clinic, and I value my sanity more than I do a bigger paycheck. In short, more money is NOT a huge priority (not as big as the kids or my home or health, at least)…but sometimes that view really puts me outside the norm, y’know?

The separation from my husband is especially difficult right now, too. I actually miss him, which is a Good Thing, because I thought for a while there that I was finished and done with him. Unfortunately, the fact that I miss him does not make him a nicer person to be around when we’re together. So basically, we’re at a standstill until he can learn to be a nice guy more often and more consistently.

I think I may be babbling…

Thanks, guys. I do feel better, and the support I get here is not always available elsewhere in my life.
*In a world-view sort of way, of course.

13

If a soon to be divorced good friend was telling me about a massage therapy career they had planned I might well mention a caution along the lines of your friend’s comment, so I guess I’ll also have to stand in line to “bite you”.

It’s a good thing to to follow your dreams if circumstances allow, but the real world of post divorce situations involve a lot of economic re-adjustments for newly single mothers even with child support being paid. It may be quite likely you will have to get an additional job in addition to your newspaper delivery income. Massage therapy can be fullfilling, but your friend is correct insofar as it is not particularly re-numerative, especially when starting out.

You might want to lay out an analysis of what your single mother cost of living expenses post divorce will be, and assuming state mandated levels of support are paid what your income needs to be, and work backwards into how much money you have to generate to have a decent standard of living.

Beyond these income/expense issues you need to be thinking about a real world worst case scenario of your husband meeting a new woman, falling in love, getting married, having more kids, moving far away and (illegally) reducing or eliminating CS because (for whatever reason) supporting his old family and new family is now economically untenable. In other words you really need to be preparing for the eventually that you will be the sole economic provider for your family. If massage therapy can do this go for it, but if it can’t you need to be thinking about what is going to be required to bring home the bacon if he is out of the picture economically.

14

Thanks, Astro. Those are all points that I’m keeping in mind. I’ve been doing the math for quite some time now–long before my husband moved out–so I feel I can manage financially. I know that if my husband and I divorce, I may need find a second job and/or renew my teaching license and return to full-time teaching. I feel good about my ability to make more money–we have a good job market here, I’m skilled enough to work at the hospital or in a school, I already have an “in” with a textbook company as a proofreader, and I’m not afraid of working more or harder. I would just prefer, as long as we can get by, to make other parts of my life my top priority. My buddy, I think, was referring to making Big Money, as opposed to just keeping on top of things financially.
I do want to continue at the massage therapy school, but frankly I don’t imagine that it will become my full-time career anytime in the next two years or so. I’m really, to be honest, doing this for me. It’s something I’m interested in, it would provide some income (however small, but the pay is good and we have a good market here) with very flexible hours, and I think I can do good in the world with it. If I can make a little bit of money in that endeavor, all the better…but I don’t expect it to pay all my bills while I’m feeding four kids.
I’ve been a single mom before, and while I don’t think things will be as bad this time as they were then, I have a very good feel for how very bad things can get. I don’t want to go through that ever again.
There’s always teaching, but it’s going to be the last choice for me. If I can make enough to survive without returning to the classroom, I will. I think I can, actually. Aside from a rather large house payment, we have very few bills–no credit cards, no loans except for the cars which will be paid off within a few months. My budget is very tight right now, but that’s because I’m preparing myself for that worst case scenario by paying off everything NOW instead of hoping for the best.
We’ll get by financially. I’m just going through a small identity crisis right now. (Don’t even ask me how fat I think I am at the moment. :wink: )