I’m not sure if I’m in need of advice or reassurance or a talking-to. I’m just feeling really shitty and my husband’s out tonight and I don’t know who else to talk to.
I picked up my son (2.5 yo) from daycare today, and as usual, he didn’t want to hold my hand in the parking lot. Normally, he likes to jump off the curb, then run up the ramp and jump again. I let him do that because it’s not really in the parking lot. Today, I got distracted for one second talking to another parent, and when I turned around, he was running right in front of a car. The car had stopped, and thank god there was no immediate danger. I ran over and picked him up and gave him a talking to, telling him he needs to watch for cars, stay near Mommy in a parking lot, all of that. But it was my job to watch him, not his job to watch out for cars.
I felt and still feel so horrible. I keep telling myself, nothing bad happened, and I’ll be more careful next time. Normally, I make him hold my hold my hand in the parking lot, or at least make sure he’s within arm’s reach. I’m 8 months pregnant so I know that I can’t chase him and I don’t let him get far away in situations where I might need to chase. But looking back on it now, I can’t recall where I thought he was when I was talking to the other parent. I can’t even recall how close the car came, I just know that they had seen him running and they stopped before they came too close. (The little guy, of course, was oblivious.)
Once we got home, we had dinner and all as normal and I put him to bed, and ever since then I can’t seem to stop crying. I just keep picturing what could have happened. I don’t really want to make myself feel better, but I can’t stop crying and I know I need to go to bed at some point. I just keep thinking, I’m going to have another baby soon, and then I’ll need to watch two at once. If I get distracted just talking to other parents at pick-up, what’s it going to be like with two kids? I’ve always been so easily distracted and slow to act, and I’ve always felt that was a bad match for parenting, and now today proves that. I wish I knew how to become more focused, or develop that sixth sense that other parents seem to have when it comes to protecting their kids.
All parents have had scary horrifying near-misses. Really. In spite of this, most of our kids manage to make it to adulthood in one piece. Terrifying things like that serve to make us more vigilant and better parents.
He’ll be fine, and so will you. Relax, forgive yourself, and remember that nothing bad happened and he’s just fine.
You made a mistake. Could have been horrifying, but it wasn’t. Deep breath. These things happen. Stop beating yourself up. You can’t change it. Is he old enough to be given a job to help mommy? Hold your purse or something? Maybe it would help keep him a bit more focused?
It’s often from near misses like this that we learn from, and become more vigilant. Count your blessings he wasn’t hit, tell him (calmly) how dangerous it was and how he could have been hurt - and that he needs to hold your hand, always, when crossing the street. That’s not negotiable, ever. When he turns 5 or so maybe you can revisit.
I notice this with a lot moms (my wife does this) - the negotiation. My daughter is 4 and I always hold her hand, whether she likes it or not. It’s never been negotiable, even though she’s aware enough IMO not to run into the street. I live in Texas and we have a higher class of idiot navigating parking lots (people blasting out of spots in reverse, speeders in parking lots, wrong way drivers). So it’s possible she could get hit without doing anything wrong.
I’ve been a parent for 6.5 years. A number of close calls… they’re little, they don’t know the dangers, and frankly, a lot of things we take for granted are potentially dangerous. You basically admitted to being a normal parent… it’s okay.
What you are feeling is normal; its an instinctive reaction because you love your child. Still, you can’t let your reaction to the emotions you are feeling from that moment cripple you for future moments. Your child needs you today and tomorrow too.
Exercise or react to the extent that you need to wade through this. Its hard but Fight… you have to get past yesterday. There are other parking lots and other cars and you already ARE a better parent.
Give yourself some space here. You are a good parent. As they grow they are going to get faster and you wont always be able to grab a hold. At 2.5 years he wont really understand all the dangers out there - I like Hippy Hollow’s suggestion to make hand-holding non-negotiable in selected situations. I’ve dragged my kid thru a crosswalk kicking and screaming when they did not want to hold my hand. There may be instances where they will be out of reach, or out of sight, and you are going to panic a little. Have a talk with them when this happens and let them know how important it is that they listen to you and do as you say - they get that. Don’t worry about it - you are doing a great job and life gets better every day as they grow!
I tend to be an unreasonable autocrat when it comes to safety. I never let the kids play in the kitchen when I’m cooking, and I’ve pulled the car over and administered a lecture of a lifetime when my daughter unbuckled her seatbelt mid-trip. My kids know that if Dad tells them that they have to wash hands, buckle up, or hold hands, they have to. It’s not fair and they might not want to… and so what? They know they just have to do it.
Sure, you can talk nicely about it in a calm moment. But I have no problem grabbing my kid or yelling at them when they put their safety in jeopardy. I see kids all the time standing up in grocery carts, hopping through parking lots, you name it - and the parents barely acknowledge their behavior or just say “that’s enough” sheepishly.
Half of the parenting job is defense. I reserve the right to employ any means necessary to protect my kids. And the greatest danger they face are those around the home and errands - not dirty old men in trenchcoats at the park. (Though I imagine they’re dangerous too…)
OP I know the tears as I have shed them, it replays in the mind on a loop as you lay your head down at night. But for every incident that occurs that you prevent in the future another presents itself and your job as a loving caregiver is to predict the unpredictable… It sounds ominous but it isn’t you will succeed and your child will succeed in giving you heart attacks with regularity.
I think your Preggo hormones are messing with you! Let them have your tears, as many as you feel to give. But please don’t fret about your parenting and what could have happened. Save your energy and self worth.
You didn’t do anything that every parent hasn’t done. And non parents too. Turns out, we’re all just grievously flawed human beings, not machines! And from time to time, in spite of all our efforts, we take our eyes off the ball for a few seconds. And yes, in those seconds tragedy can strike, or not. Just focus on how fortunate you and your child were, learn from the experience and move on. I know it isn’t easy, but you gotta try.
Try ten long deep breaths. On the in breath think, “I can forgive myself a momentary lapse!”, on the out breath think, “It’s just the hormones, this feeling will subside!” Take your ten breaths whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed, as often as you need to.
My heart goes out to you for having such a scare, and the aftershock you’re experiencing. Sending you calming vibes!
The fact it made you so concerned is a good indicator you are a good parent. I’m sure you will grip that little loved one’s hand/arm super tight from now on and all will be well.
You fuck up, you feel really really bad about it, and your brain replays What Could Have Been over and over and over as a training exercise so that you don’t fuck up in that particular way again. That’s exactly how you develop that sixth sense.
On a practical level, I’d suggest deciding precisely where “the sidewalk” ends and “the street/parking lot” begins. For me, the ramp is part of the street/parking lot, and my wee little kids didn’t get to run down and around it without holding a hand or wearing the “Puppy Backpack.” That was just the best way to keep them well away from the traffic, instead of constantly testing the boundary.
Thank you all for your replies. That’s pretty much what I needed - some sane thoughts and practical thinking. I still cried in the shower this morning, but at least I’m not in hysterics anymore, and I did a lot of thinking about what I can do better.
He’s definitely getting faster, and I’m getting slower as I get bigger. But I think a big part of the problem is that he sees other kids running around in the daycare parking lot - there’s not much traffic, and the other parents apparently think their kids are safe doing that. It gives him the wrong idea, and he’s at the age where he loves to copy other kids. I guess I was trying to meet him halfway by letting him run on the ramp, but I definitely won’t be doing that anymore.
Another thing is that I tend to give him the “hold my hand” lecture only when it becomes an issue - I need to talk with him a lot more at home about when we hold hands and when it’s ok to run, when it’s not an immediate issue.
First, glad that you’re doing better! I think we all have those moments.
I definitely think you want to nip “but other kids are doing it!” stuff in the bud. I even point out to my kids when I see other kids doing things doing stuff I don’t approve of: “You see that kid there? Don’t you ever let me see you doing that.”
Kids are terrific litigators and manipulators. You can’t get into that game. Parking lots: hand holding at all times. Playgrounds: hand holding optional.
Do you need another veteran parent to tell you it happens to everyone? Because I am, and it does. You learn as you go, and sometimes you make mistakes. Even when you do everything absolutely right, sometimes things go wrong. You handle it and then you take a deep breath and move on.
You have good parenting skills, or else you wouldn’t have noticed today’s faux pas.
Every parent is overburdened with caring for toddlers, and being pregnant doesn’t help, and all are entitled to some big time fuckups. Thankfully, this wasn’t terminal.
Give thanks to God and get back to being crushed beneath the weight of family life!
I think this sums it up very well. We put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, and it can feel like that is an attainable thing, but it’s just not. Really!
I’m glad you’re feeling better!
One thing that others have alluded to, but I want to make explicit - I find it helpful to acknowledge and anticipate/work around my known deficits. If you can’t run, you know you’re likely to be distracted, or the kid claws at your hand like a deranged wolverine (that was my situation!), consider a leash/backpack. Only people who have never cared for a high-intensity preschooler turn their nose up at them.
Oh, and really think about how much The Luck of the Stupid saves people constantly, every day. Some people are lax idiots with themselves and their kids all the time, and usually circumstances like vigilant drivers or just random chance mean that everyone is safe in the end. It’s rare for someone to have a serious accident, and that’s why it’s news.
(Oh, also, don’t watch the local news. It will add no helpful things to your life and will make you miserable with worry.)
Then they become teenagers and pay you back for ever being nice to them.
Then they grow out of it and you realize not drowning them was the best decision you ever made.
Still another parent telling you it’s ok,the kid is ok…
You may need to invest in a leash or whatever PR name they have… I had to resort to a rope! Tied it to his back belt loops,then to mine. Kid would tip his head up,spin,drop his head and run… Anyhow,tell the busybodies you like him alive. Btw,you’re gonna have fewer hands after the baby’s born.
