Feline shields

You wouldn’t shoot a kitten, would you?

That, according to the writer Polyaenus, was the tactical gambit employed by the Achaemenid Persian army in 525 BC, as they set out to conquer Egypt. Knowing that cats were sacred animals to the Egyptians, the Persians rounded up a bunch of the fluffy little rascals, and carried them along in the battle of Pelusium.

And it worked. The Egyptian archers didn’t shoot their arrows, as they were afraid to hit the cats. This gave the Persians the upper hand, allowing them to win the battle, take Pelusium, and go on to annex Egypt. Which, BTW, ended the last native Egyptian dynasty. So, a pretty major event.

Yeah, I know: The story is almost certainly a later invention. Polyaenus was writing hundreds of years later, and the idea is completely ludicrous on the face of it. Most importantly, the story isn’t in Herodotus. And it’s just the kind of anecdote Herodotus would have been all over, if it had been circulating in his day.

But still: That is just such an irresistible image that I’m just going to believe it happened anyway, facts be damned. Picture it: The cutest, fluffiest army ever going into battle. Someone needs to put this in a movie script.

My adopted Maine Coon feline just once again jumped from the windowsill onto my belly while I was soundly asleep.
Thank you for your ALERT, although his meow’s masked the notification tone on my cell phone, thus the late response.

I have called the entire Egyptian forces (however the duty clerk was exceptionally unhelpful), the defunct but still highly effective Persian Army (which promised to come to your rescue), NATO (closed being New Years weekend and all), sherpas (Verizon and ATT couldn’t find area code), SAS (Uh hello calling from USA about a certain cat…click…dial tone), Uncle Edward, etc. to deal with this and create a foolproof feline shield.

Meanwhile, I gotta pee. I will pet him when I return.
I hope I can be more useful in the future.

Serious question and I am sorry for dismissing it so lightly. My apologies.
I am still going to kick Mister Whiskers ass for pouncing upon my stomach. :dubious:

Battle of Pelusium (525 BC)

The tough part is to get them to go in the right direction.

There’s more than one way to squeee your way to victory, behold the Incendiary Pig:

“Historical accounts of incendiary pigs or flaming pigs were recorded by the military writer Polyaenus[7] and by Aelian.[8] Both writers reported that Antigonus II Gonatas’ siege of Megara in 266 BC was broken when the Megarians doused some pigs with combustible pitch, crude oil or resin, set them alight, and drove them towards the enemy’s massed war elephants. The elephants bolted in terror from the flaming, squealing pigs, often killing great numbers of their own soldiers by trampling them to death.”

Perhaps that was so in ancient times, but today we have laser guidance technology.

Umm, you know that your need to pee is no excuse for moving when there’s a cat on your belly?

It’s clearly laid out in “I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats.” I’d quote you the exact passage, but I have a cat sleeping on my lap so cannot go into the other room where the book is to look it up.

After the Egyptians refused to fire arrows at the cats, they would have looked at them.

The cats would have stared back.

And kept staring.

And kept staring.

And kept staring.

No wonder the Egyptians lost.

I need to post a correction to my OP. I have been receiving angry tweets from various members of the animal kingdom, who are sick and tired of the cats getting all the credit (as usual). It turns out that the Persians actually employed a more varied menagerie.

Quoth Polyaenus, in translation:

So, my apologies to the dogs, sheep, ibises etc.

BTW, other nuggets from Polyaenus:

When Artemisia of Halicarnassus wanted to capture a neighboring city, she tricked the defenders by staging a parade. Everyone left the city to join the party, and Artemisia’s soldiers snuck in and captured it:

You know the saying: A friend will help you move, a real friend will help you move a body? That’s the assumption behind the strategy employed by Alcibiades (of Peloponnesian War infamy) when he wanted to test the loyalty of his friends:

As the Egyptian general, I would have ordered my soldiers to start masturbating furiously.

Ah yes, the rotisserie division triumphs again.

Who knew that the writers of “Delocated” were such students of history?