Fenris vs The Exercise Videos of DOOM! (a rant--advice welcome)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Czar and Veb: I had no idea where to put this: it’s a rant, but it’s not really Pit-worthy and there’s that new rule about “joke threads in the Pit” and I don’t know if this counts as a joke…plus: I’m asking for advice, but it’s kinda mundane and pointless. Anyway, sorry in advance for the extra work if it’s in the wrong place.

So I’m working on losing weight using Weight-Watchers and I’m having some decent success (down 20 lbs, 40 to go!). However, I was kinda at a plateau and, after much soul-searching, I concluded (what any non-moron < cough > ) would have concluded without the soul-searching:

“Fenris, you moron, the “eating right” stuff is all well-and-good, but you aren’t gonna get any further without exercise.”

“But Feeeennnnris!” my inner sniveller whined “I don’ liiiiike exercise. It’s booooring”

“This is boring. I wanna download porn.” said my inner-pervert (aprops of nothing*)

“Shaddup yer yaps, both o’ youse or you’ll get a knuckle sandwich!” said my inner (short-lived) drill-sargent.
“Hey Sarge: If you go away, I’ll download some MPG files of oil-covered nekkid chicks firing fully-automatic weapons” replied inner-pervert

“I’ll shut uuuup but I don’t waaaana exercise! You caaaaan’t maaake me. I’ll get all sweaty and it’ll huuuuurt. An’ it’s boooooring” my inner sniveller said.

“That does it. I’m outta here. Youse all can get a heart-attack and die. I don’t give a damn.” said my inner (limited patience) drill-seargent

“Good. I’m glad that’s settled. Now let us celebrate with the downloading of pornography involving busty red-heads.” my inner-pervert chortled.

“But…what if we get caaaaauaght by the FBIIIIIii and we’re sent to jaaaail!?” started my inner-sniveller when it was interrupted by my brain.

“All of you just SHUT UP! NOW! If you don’t, I’ll turn on C-Span and we’ll all have to watch the Congress debate the appropriateness beewax subisidies for beeswax poor states or something. Now then. We’re exercising and that’s that.”

“We’ll be good!” they all chorused in unison.

And with that, I’ve been exercising for the last two weeks. Weight Watchers gives you a DVD with a 20 minute “low-impact”/high aerobic workout (Plus I got “FitTv” and there’s a whole bunch of other workouts there that I’ve tried several of). Seemed easy enough I thought “Jumping jacks and sit-ups for 20 minutes, right? Not much, maybe, but it’s a start. And how hard can it be? Plus, it’s in private, so I don’t have to waste time driving to and from a gym AND I don’t have to embarass myself. And it can’t be all THAT complicated, right?”

Well, it’s kinda fun, but…Um.

First: The < cough > scenery is nice and all: my inner-pervert is all thrilled to watch big-boobed hardbodied chicks with the grace of a wood-nymph bouncing around like a hyperactive squirrel on crack running through traffic but…um…it’s not really giving me incentive. I mean: there’s no viewer identification here. I’ve never been a big-boobed hardbody with the grace of a wood-nymph. How 'bout, amidst the boobage, showing me how it looks with one fat 40 year old short hairy guy who hasn’t exercised in 10 years does it? It wouldn’t be as asthetically pleasing, but it would certainly be more educational.

Second: If you’re not gonna speak English, gimme a translation. “Plee-aay”? (You know, the ballet term. The one that I thought was when the ballet-chick got on her tippy-toes and put her hands over her head (which it isn’t: It’s more of a squatty knee-bend thing.)) “Mambo?” Didn’t they do that on “I Love Lucy” in the Babaloo club? Who th’ hell knows how to mambo? “V-Step?” “Grapevine”? What is this? Code?

Third: SLOW THE HELL DOWN! Not the tempo. I understand that fast=good. But doing an exercise for more than say three repetitions isn’t a signal to Satan that you’re willing to negotiate. Do th’ damn thing 20 times or so. THEN switch to another step.

"Step-Kick! Good now Knee-bends-2-3-4 great! Mambo! Two three four! Now grapevine-2-3-4! Fourjacks-2-3-4 PutemtogethergoodStepkick-grapvine-kneekicksanklebendsdeepbendsmambomambomambograpvine…etc. What is this: short-attention span theater?

And on the same note, lemme learn the goddamned step before doing all the other crap. Good fuck: it’s like trying to find to a square-dance record that was recorded at 33 played at 78. Or like Alvin and the Chipmunks before the ritilin kicks in! If I were Baryshnikov, I wouldn’t need yer video, thanks.

Fourth: The encouragement: for me, having someone on the tube saying “That’s it! You’re doing great!” isn’t all that much of an ego boost…especially since on that last “grapevine” I fell on my ass (how many calories does falling on your ass burn, anyway?) Take those precious seconds and explain your terms.

Fifth: I don’t have hips. I don’t really want “shapely curvey hips”. Gimme something else I can do that doesn’t include me getting “shapely curves to my hips”. (I just jog in place)

Look, part of this rant is exaggerated for comic effect, and I’ll (grudgingly) admit that I’m having fun trying to keep up (with little success) and it’s helping (I’m losing weight faster). BUT that said, every exercise thing I’ve watched, even the Weight Watchers DVD (which is geared at raw beginners) is assuming I know what the hell they’re talking about and that I’m as nimble as a wood-nymph (ain’t nuthin’ sylph-like about this guy. There’s something screwed up about even the beginner videos being this complicated.

There’s a clear market out here for someone who knows what they’re doing to target the raw newbies and teach them.

Anyway, two questions:

  1. Any advice on exercise videos for beginners? (I’m not gonna try this at a gym). “Low Impact” (my knees ain’t all that good) and none of this “yoga”/Pilates stuff please–Yoga doesn’t feel like exercise to me (I wanna get my heart-rate up anyway)

  2. I hate the “cool-down” stuff. I can cool down just fine by plopping into a chair and downloading porn, thanks. It seems like a huge waste of time. Will I drop dead if I skip the “cool-down” stuff?

Fenris

*Downloading porn from the internet is almost always appropriate, but perhaps just then wasn’t the best moment.

2

Speaking as a short fat hairy guy who hasn’t exercised in 10 years, you might want to give Pilates another chance. It’s harder than it looks, though admittedly at beginner’s levels it’s not designed to be aerobic. The original name for the set of exercises was “contrology”, as in muscle control. Once you get a better handle on how your body works, you can step up the intensity.

Of course, I’m not sure how useful it would be to try to learn Pilates from a tape–I think it’s pretty important to work with a trainer who can spot and correct your mistakes.

3

Oh, Fenris, you crack me up.

I hope you find some good recommendations. I keep my ears open, but haven’t really heard much to suggest lately. [sub]We’ll get him over to the exercise dark side…oh yes we will![/sub]

4

There’s a reason for cool-down. The muscles produce lactic acid, and this can make you sore or cramp up. The few minutes of slow cooldown, particularly after a high-intensity workout, lets the blood catch up with circulating it. (you metabolize it, but you don’t want it, say, mostly in just your arms). Also gets the blood all around the body, if, say you were concentrating on only some body parts. Ever, say, play basketball, run a few, sit down, then try to get up and you are all stiff? This is why. You’ll feel better the next day if you cool down.

5

If you can watch him without puking, the Richard Simmons exercise videos are pretty good. OTOH, if you puke when you watch him, it might help you lose weight even faster!

Seriously, I can do his exercise videos and feel that I got a good workout without feeling like I have to try to keep up and follow all these steps in sequence that I didn’t learn the first time and can’t possibly put them together now if you know what I mean. And his videos have real people. There are people who range from quite fat to quite slim and attractive. Gives you a little hope that, even though you look like the fat brunette second from the left in the front row, you might eventually look like the cute blonde in the middle on the back row.

Did any of this make any sense? Just remember to keep your puke guard on high alert when Richard is doing some of his more grotesque mannerisms.

6

Fenris,

You’re in the same boat I was in when I wanted to lose weight. I joined Weight Watchers and I knew if I wanted to look better and lose weight better, I had to exercise. I hate exercise and I am not athletic at all so I had to find something I would stick with, and that meant something I could do at home that wasn’t going to take up a lot of time and I wasn’t going to get all sweaty doing. I ended up:

  1. Buying some free weights to do some upper-body exercises.

  2. Getting the Pilates Beginning Mat Workout featuring Ana Caban (available at Amazon and Gaiam.com). It is NOT like yoga (I took a yoga class years ago and hated it). The exercises concentrate on building strength in the core of the body, so a lot of the exercises are for the stomach and the upper legs. I like this video in particular because Ana explains what Pilates is, what the terms mean and what you can get out of the exercises before doing the routine. After watching that part a few times, I set my VCR to start just before the routine, which lasts about 30 minutes. They also include alternatives to some of the exercises, so if they are too hard for you at first, you can do the easier version and build up. I also have the Intermediate tape, which will make you break a sweat if you do it right! Hunter Hawk makes a good point about this though - once you get past the beginning, working with a trainer is a good idea so you get your positioning and movements right for the best possible outcome.

  3. Buying several Callanetics tapes, one each for hips and butt, legs and stomach. Each one is about 20 minutes long. You can also buy the full-length Callanetics tapes too, which features all the exercises in the shorter tapes. These videos are by a woman named Callan Pinckey (you can see a selection for searching under her name at Amazon). They feature her, two other women and a guy. They are all nice-but-normal looking, so there’s no intimidation factor there. The exercises are designed to be easy on your knees and back, so there’s no frenetic jumping around. They pretty much concentrate on strengthening muscles in the target areas - most of the exercises consist of stretching and holding a certain position for counts of 50 to 100 seconds - which is hard! when you first do it, but as you build strength and muscle, they get easier, you look better, and the extra muscle burns more calories. And I figure I can do anything for 20 minutes a day, so I tried them. And I liked them, and they work!

You’ll notice none of this is aerobic, so if you want to do your heart a favor too, you will need to do something that gets your heart rate up. I have to park about a half mile away from the building where I work, so I use that walk every morning and evening as my aerobics for the day - I walk as fast as I can without mowing anyone else down ;). I hate it, but since I have to do it anyway I make the most out of it.

Anyway, this is what got me started on doing something on a regular basis, so for me at least it was a good routine. I just rotate between the tapes and the weights. I lost 30 lbs. on Weight Watchers and I’ve kept it off for almost 2 years now.

Another thing you can do is go to the Weight Watchers message boards (http://www.weightwatchers.com/community/mbd/index.aspx) and take a look at what other people are doing -they have forums for exercise and fitness, and also one just for guys. You can see there what works for them.

7

Imagine how your Inner Whiner will act once you get used to all the little steps; that is boring raised to the tediousth power.

Kathy Smith used to demonstrate all the little moves well; is she still making exercise videos?

8

You’re right. There’s no Exercise Video For Guys. It’s either large-breasted women (which I don’t have a problem with, mind) doing insanely painful-looking things at a breakneck pace or musclebound dudes (which I don’t want to look at) doing the same.

9

Cynthia Kereluk is good, however, you can only find her videos at the library (or at garage sales and occassionally on Ebay). Simply moves, not frantic, get’s the heart rate going (although the music is rather cheesey at times) and actually works. No groupies going nuts in the background, no pep squad mentality and no sandy beaches.

10

I’ve never seen a video featuring anything but incredibly in shape women (and occasionally men), so I don’t really know if there are any out there…
but videofitness.com is a website full of video reviews, instructor reviews, etc. all by people who exercise primarily by watching videos.

I’d recommend looking through the site (or asking on their forum) for good beginner videos.

11

Ok, this may sound silly and I’ve never tried it (but I want to) but I’ve heard great things about the video game “Dance Dance Revolution”. You do the steps on a big numbered pad and it’s a game so it’s supposed to keep you interested. I think it sounds really fun and a great way to get yourself motivated to get up and moving. Anyway, just a thought.

Other than that, I second what romansperson says. Free weights and Pilates combined with walking. Or, I just ahve to mention this, join a rowing club if there’s one close by. Seriously! Rowing is a great, low-impact sport and we teach beginners (even seriously out of shape ones) all the time. And it’s more fun (and motivating) to workout with other people…

12

Not silly at all. I’ve heard the same thing. Not my cup of tea, but it’s supposed to be fairly effective.

13

OK, I know you are going to make fun of this suggestion, but here goes: try CherFitness. I’m not a big Cher fan, so I don’t know why I ever picked this video up but I’m glad I did. It’s got three workouts on it. The first is a typical step program, but the leader Kelly is very easy to follow. I caught on in only a few viewings. The second section is a 10-min ab routine. It’s a killer, but it’s only 10 min. And the last section is a leg workout. Almost the entire thing is done standing so your weight adds resistance. I have yet to get through that whole routine. Plus, the music is mostly rock (Cher picked it) not that annoying cheesy muzak crap on most videos.

14

I loved that show! Too bad Comedy Central doesn’t have it on anymore.

Oh, look! Pretty colors!

15

Which ever tedious, soul destroying, repetitive, self congratulatory video you pick, here’s a hint: learn the routines, turn the sound OFF and blast your own music. Makes it almost bearable.

Today I walked with perky Leslie Whatsername and listened to John Mayall. :cool:

16

How about exercise bike riding / spinning? No steps and twirls to learn, you can choose your own music and you can step up the intensity when it gets too easy.

The downside is that you need an exercise bike at home, or you need to go to a gym. If you’re at home, remember that the aim is to do sprints and slower sections, not just a “jog speed” over a long time. If you go to a gym, it’s not as humiliating as getting your legs in a knot in aerobics or lifting puny weights next to massive blokes on the weights floor.

17

That’s a really good idea. I’m awful at the game, myself, but even I manage to work up a sweat on beginner mode, and my friends who actually know how to play get better workouts than I do when I’m jogging or whatever, I’d wager.

You don’t even need a game system to play it; if you poke around online a bit, you can find versions made for PCs. You can get mats at places like Best Buy or Software Etc.

18

I just found a step aerobics DVD with Kathy Smith at my local Hastings. It has three levels, and you can mix and match them at will. I just checked Amazon, and they have a long list of her DVDs.

You’ll probably have to get over your resistance to the terminology. All instructors end up using these terms as shorthand for more complicated instructions. You’ll probably get the hang of it pretty quickly if you do the routines a few times. A “grapevine,” for instance, is a variation of a side-step in which you cross one leg behind the other as you move sideways. If you watch them closely while they do what they’re talking about, you’ll get the jargon.

I have the opposite problem. I’ve just somehow been talked into taking over an advanced step aerobics class, and since I have no idea how to put a routine together, I decided to swipe someone else’s. But all the videos are so boring! Just how many times do we have to do the basic steps before we decide everyone’s with the program and we can move on? Unfortunately, I suspect we’re just on different ends of the bell curve and they’re producing videos for the great middle.

19

I second this. I don’t know if it’s available in the US, but Konami also makes a game for PS1 called Martial Beat, which they designed for their fitness clubs (yeah, Konami runs a chain of fitness clubs, too). You strap little sensors on your wrists and ankles and pick from about 20 different boxing/kickboxing routines. It measures how many calories you’ve burned and keeps a diary of how much you exercized each day.

20

I don’t recommend Richard Simmons. I am quite uncoordinated and the stuff is a bit too dance-y. I’m a fan of Tae Bo, which I can do easily despite lack of coordination. Whatever you do, don’t do the same thing all the time. Use different videos each time, or change machines at the gym. I used to do twenty minutes of rowing, twenty minutes of treadmill walking, and twenty minutes of exercise bike every day, with weights every other day. I listened to music during all but the weights.