Fictional Mythology - Osalis & Iraj

Cafe Society
1

Since I didn’t get any cries of ‘that’s a terrible idea’ or ‘don’t be such an attention-seeking twit’ here I’ll give this a try.

I take criticism. I love reviews. I’m planning on writing more and take suggestions. please don’t let this be utterly ignored…

Part One

In the beginning was the tree. It grew from the darkness and into the darkness and from its branches grew fruit. The fruit swelled and the tree lost its leaves and grew new leaves. And the leaves fell to the darkness and formed earth. When the fruit was large and ripe they fell to the earth and broke open. From the center of each fruit crawled an animal, and the first birds flew into the air, and the first burrowers dug into the earth and the juice from the fruit formed streams and rivers and the first fish swam in them.

And from the largest sweetest fruit crawled Osalis. She sat at the base of the tree and washed herself clean, from the tips of her ears to the tip of her tail. She was golden furred and spotted with crimson. Her amber eyes glowed in the dark. She was just a cub and she was the first.

Where Osalis walked plants grew and the animals nested in them. And as she walked her fur caught on the branches and thorns and her shadow gathered it to him.

As Osalis slept her shadow took the fur he gathered and built himself a body. He made his bones from the bones of the animals who had been eaten or died and made his muscles from the moss and fungus that fed in the dark wet places and made his skin from the dank leaves that rotted in the deep roots at the base of the tree. And he covered the body in the fur he had gathered as Osalis had shed it. He pulled himself from her and entered his new body. And he laughed in joy.

And this was Iraj and he was the second.

When Iraj laughed Osalis woke.

“Who are you?”

“I am Iraj. I am your shadow.”

Osalis looked down and saw she had no shadow. She laughed.

“How wonderful!” She danced around him. “How wonderful to have someone to play with and build with and talk with!”

And Iraj smiled and danced with her. And they were happy together.

2

With STG’s permission, I did a recording of her work. It’s here.

It’s harder to record narrative than poetry, I’m finding. But it’s an interesting challenge.

STG, you’re using a lot of poetic elements in your writing. Repetitions of words and sounds make it very interesting to hear aloud. I enjoyed the read.

3

Yay! That’s so cool. There’s another half to this (creation of the sun, moon, stars, and people. And love is named) if you’re interested.

4

Very interesting. It has a solidly mythic quality to it, embodied more in the patterns of the words than in the words themselves. The presentation reminds me a bit of some African folk tales, especially in jsgoddess’s reading of it. I particularly like the idea of Origin-Tree. I also like the subtle reminder that there are predators in the newborn world–it’s not some idealized Eden, where there is no struggle or death.

A few tweaks to the wording might heighten the impact a bit, I think. I’ll just toss a few out there, and you can see if you like them.

Paragraph 1, sentence 4: “And the leaves fell to the darkness and formed earth.”
Consider adding an article to make it “formed the earth”. An article can make a simple thing epic.

Paragraph 1, sentence 6: “and the juice from the fruit formed streams and rivers and the first fish swam in them”
Rephrasing this as “and the first fish swam in the rivers that rose from the juice of the fruit” would maintain the pattern established in the rest of the sentence.

Paragraph 3, sentence 3: “She was golden furred and spotted with crimson.”
“Her fur was golden and spotted with crimson” might pair up better with the next descriptive sentence, “Her amber eyes glowed in the dark.”

Paragraph 4, sentence 2: “and made his muscles…”
“Muscles” seems a bit out of place; it’s too precise, I think. Maybe “and made his flesh…” instead?

I’m of two minds about this last thought. Throughout the text, you have clauses joined by “and” with no commas. (Like “She was just a cub and she was the first.”) My first impulse is to recommend adding commas, as they would make the passage read more crisply and distinctly. On the other hand, without the commas, I “hear” it with a sort of dreamy, flowing quality. The reading by jsgoddess sounds as if she’s inserting the pauses for the commas automatically. When I tried making a recording with my suggestions for comparison, I found I couldn’t resist adding a few pauses here and there, myself. Try reading it aloud to yourself, and see where you think commas would enhance the effect of the passage.

5

I can only presume that the first Snarf is the Serpent in this scenario.

"And they drove him forth, and cursed him, saying: “Henceforth shalt thou go on all fours; and thou art banished forever to the role of annoying comic relief.”

6

You might find it interesting to read The Gods of Pegana and Time and the Gods by Lord Dunsany. They are available as part of the omnibus Time and the Gods in the Fantasy Masterworks series.

7

I figure that Snarfs are evolutionary cousins to modern Thunderians and thus tolerated like we would tolerate talking monkeys (wait, I’ve met some of those… they were coworkers). I probably should make some myths about them.

8

I liked reading it, but it came alive when **jsgoddess **read it.

9

Ah I see. Possibly they have been overlooked by the mythology of the larger races? They seem vaguely Hobbitlike.

I’m interested to note that your origin story so far doesn’t mention thunder at all. Is that an intentional choice? I recall that you’re striving to make the myths fairly non-specific. Is there a plan to work a deity of thunder into the mix anywhere?

10

I figure ‘Thundera’ and ‘Thundercats’ are more of phonetic representations than translations. But a thunder deity is definitely a good idea, if possibly not for this culture. Most human mythologies have the thunder/sky deity as a main god, don’t they? Or is that just Greek/Roman being over-emphasized to me?

Speaking of, would anybody be interested in a write up of this culture (Okalen) - it was supposed to be focussed on language, but has gotten sidetracked by fun stuff. I’d love for it to be nitpicked.

11

Thanks Balance! I tend to get a lot of ‘that’s really good’ and not a lot of critique (probably a side effect of asking my family).

When you’re dealing with a species that’s fairly strongly carnivorous, like I imagine Thunderians, and especially this culture, to be, you need predation. I’m also trying to emphasize the circle of life, although that’ll mostly come up in the next Osalis and Iraj story which I’m hoping to get written this week.

Your suggestions are great and I’ll definitely make some alterations.

12

The sky has important religious significance. Most Polytheistic religions have a deity whose portfolio includes or is even limited to the sky. This position is usually reserved for the deity who reigns over the others, or at least is one of the most powerful, and incorporates the concept of the Sky Father. The Hebrew God who forms the basis of monotheism may have originated as such a God, and is so characterized by some other cultures, such as the Chinese.

Polytheistic peoples of many cultures have postulated a thunder god, the personification or source of the seemingly magical forces of thunder and lightning. Frequently, the thunder god is known as the chief or king of the gods, for example Zeus in Greek mythology, or otherwise a close relation, for example Thor in Norse mythology, son of Odin also Indra in Hindu mythology.

I’d be interested in the write-up of the culture.

13

Nobody mentioned that there were some important things left out of creation. Here they are.

Part two

Osalis and Iraj walked together and Iraj listened as Osalis described the plants and the animals and Osalis agreed as he named them. One day Iraj said “Sister, wouldn’t it be good for there to be light besides the light of your eyes and of the things that hunt and the glowing things that grow in the deep places?”

“Yes! How clever you are, brother! Let us make light!”

And Iraj took the pit of a fruit he found and he breathed on it and threw it into the sky. It lit and hung there and that was the sun. And Osalis laughed and picked up a handful of sand and pebbles and flung it into the sky and that was the stars and the moons.

And they walked together until they were tired and Osalis said, “Now how shall we sleep? Look, the animals burrow to escape the light and the birds hide their eyes. Let us make it dark again.”

And Iraj agreed and they separated the sun from the stars and the moon until it was dark enough that their eyes glowed. And Osalis curled up and slept and Iraj slept next to her.

And in the morning, it became light and that was the first morning. Osalis woke and stretched and she and Iraj walked together through the mornings and evenings and they built canyons and mountains and laid down the rivers and seas. And as they worked Osalis grew as the animals and plants grow, but Iraj stayed the same.

One day Osalis said, “Brother, the world is too big for just the two of us. Let us create others to help us watch over it.”

“Others like us? Or… Or…”

“Or what brother?”

“Or we could create people between us and the animals.”

“People? What are people?”

“Creatures who can talk and create and guard but live and die and love.”

“… And what is love?” And Iraj embraced her and taught her love and they created people. But Osalis was afraid for them, for they were young and ignorant, so Iraj created minor gods to teach and guard them. And Osalis and Iraj walked together among their people and children.

14

bumped to get feedback on the second part

15

I like it so far. I actually like the second part a bit more than the first. What might be helpful is maybe a link to some site that gives a little bit of backstory? It’s been years since I watched Thunder Cats, and even then I didn’t watch the later episodes, so I have no idea what the basis for these stories are.

16

I think that would be fictitious mythology.

Did you make this from whole cloth, or is it based on some existing fiction? Interesting start.

I think I’d adopt a policy of not having a character articulate an emotional response; in most mythology I’ve read, dialogue tends to ask questions and describe intentions, rather than directly express emotions.

17

Actually there is no in-show basis for these myths. I’m working on creating this culture, including language* and mythology. I’ll post the cultural write-up later today or tomorrow - it’s pretty choppy at the moment and needs serious nitpicking and filling in.

  • why the heck did I decide the language was ideographic? Am I crazy or do I just want to be? /whine

I think it’s got a lot of Tolkien and Biblical influence. It’s based off Thundercats, but this culture doesn’t involve any of the Thundercats characters, so mostly it just works out to be humanoid cats.

18

Most contemporary theologians acknowledge that the story of Osalis and Iraj is poetic allegory, although a few historic fundamentalist sects have based their entire belief system on a literal interpretation of the text. Of particular note was the Okalen Orthopraxy movement, which opposed space travel for decades in fear that such activities might accidentally dislodge the fruit-seed at the heart of the Sun. Orthoprax scholars have written entire libraries of commentary debating the most likely type of seed used to create the Sun.

Does this mean that she matured physically, but he didn’t?

19

Yup. Which is good, because otherwise the end of the myth would be really wrong.

And you rock. I’m totally stealing that.