Firesign Quotes

Okay, who am us anyway?

The Future Fair. A fair for all and no fair to anybody! Yes, it’s free!

And remember, I never lie and I’m always right.

“And just remember, Abraham Lincoln didn’t die in vain. He died in Washington D.C.!”

“I think we’re all bozos on this bus.

“Who remembers anything?”

“We own the idea of now.”

The entire sequence of “Mr. Coffee Comes Up Zeros.” I love the idea of a “news drought,” a phenomenon we see so often in the mass media.

“Oh–it’s OK–they’re speaking Chinese.”

“Fish became obnoxious.”

“Surrounded by a thin, thin, thin 16mm shell. And inside–it’s delicious. That’s Arnie’s whole beef halves–we deliver! Offer not good in sectors R or N. (They never come into the hills!)”


“She’s no fun, she fell right over.”

“Shoes for industry!”

“Go on, squeeze the wheeze, many people like to.”

“So you see, Mudhead, with countersubversive educational priorities out there, it really helps our side to re-enlist!”

“Is that what you’re going to do when you graduate, Porgie?”

“Heck, no! I’m going to climb up a tree, cut the soles off my shoes, and learn to play the flute!”

“Hot dog! Groat cakes again! Pass the thirty-weight, Dad!”

“Slow down! Don’t eat with your hands, son, use your entrenching tool.”

Mom: “It’s time for my bridge club.”

Porgie: “Gee, Mom, isn’t that bridge built yet?”

Dad: “No, son, and it won’t be, until free hands on both sides of the big ditch can press the same button at the same time.”

“Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morescience High has an extracurricular activity but you.”

“Doesn’t Bottles count?”

“Only to ten, Mudhead.”

– Bob

“Los Angeles. He walks again by night.”

“Stop torturning me, Ethel!”

“He’s so good with the help.”

“I can shout, don’t hear you.”

“That’s just a two-bit ring from a Crackerback Jox.”

“What about my pickle?”

“No, you’re confused. The horizon is moving up.”

“Not responsible. Park and lock it.”

“Sit over there. Next to Glaubner.”

“You can wait in the sitting room or sit in the waiting room.”

“Oh NO! Here comes the Cocaine helicopter AGAIN!”

(voiceover): "I didn’t see him come in, but my nostrils flared at the smell of his perfume: Pyramid Patchouli. There was only one joker in LA sensitive enough to wear that scent, and I had to find out who he was!

Rocky: Good afternoon, Meester Danger. I’m Rocky Rococco.
Nick: Thanks, half pint! You’ve just saved me a lot of investigative work.

And now it’s time for: Beat the Reaper!

Doctor: “According to my careful prosthesis . . .”

It had been snowing in Santa Barbara ever since the top of the page, and I had to shake the cornstarch off my mucklucks as I lifted the heavy obsidian door knocker… “Hey in there! Open up! Your door knocker fell off!”

For some reason, this one always gets me:

“It’s a success, I have proof I’ve been to ancient Greece! Look at this grape!”

…Antelope Freeway, one mile,…Antelope Freeway, one half mile…Antelope Freeway, one quarter mile…Antelope Freeway, one eighth mile…


Shadow Valley Condoms: If you lived here, you’d be home by now,

Ask the cop on the corner, ask the cop on the rooftop, ask the cop in the woodpile, ask the cop that’s knocking on your back door…

::knock knock::

Go ahead, ask him!

Ok, er… Mister policeman, what makes America great?
It’s candied apples
and ponies with dapples,
that you can ride all day.

It’s girls with pimples
and cripples with dimples,
that just won’t go away.

It’s spics and whops
and niggers and kikes
with noses as long as your arm.

It’s mics and chinks
and gooks and geeks,
and honkies…

::rubber bulb type squeaking bicycle horn::

…that never even left the farm!
That’s what makes America great. And don’t forget…

Abraham Lincoln didn’t die in vain…

He died in Washington DC!

It all began innocently enough on Tuesday. I was sitting in my office on that drizzly afternoon listening to the monotonous stacatto of rain on my desk top and reading my name on the glass of my office door, “Regnad Kcin”. My secretary lay snoring on the floor, her long beautiful gams pinioned under the couch. I didn’t hear him enter, but my nostrils flared at the smell of his perfume…

Pyramid Patchoulli.

There was only one joker in L.A. sensitive enough to wear that scent and I had to find out who he was.

::cut organ music::

Good afternoon Mister Danger, I’m Rocky Rococco.

Thanks half pint, you just saved me a lot of investigative work.

Maybe yes, maybe no. Do you know what… this is?

::rustling paper:

(I had to think for a minute. What cool game was he playing?)

Uh… That’s a brown paper bag.

That’s correct, now look inside Mister Danger.

::rustling paper::

What do you see?

That’s easy, that’s a pickle.

Very good, now I think you’re ready for this!

::clinking sound::

That’s nothing but a two bit ring from a Crackerback Jox.

I’ll sell it to you for five thousand dollars.

Hah! What kind of a chump do you take me for?

First class!

That tarnished piece of tin is worthless!

Worthless? Hah, hah, hah ::coughing::

So tell me, are you going to freeze him by normal cryogenic methods?

Yes, normal cryogenic methods. We kill him first and then we freeze him.

Oh, so he’s not dead?

No, you can’t freeze a live person it’s not allowed.

So, who was born today?
Uh… nobody, Hugh.
I mean in history, Patty. Before they changed the water.

“The system is less energetic when domains of opposition alternate.”

Now that is one Firesign quote I’m SURE they didn’t write on their own, and I’d love to find out where it originated.

But my favorite quote has to be:

“Ma Rainey’s wholesome Moleskin Cookies! Eat em, wipe em off, eat em again!”

" ‘He is a prince’, the minstrels sing.
Among men, yes. Among fools he is a king."

[sup]sorry this is so long but it is sooo funny, these three parts of this piece MUST be read[/sup]

-Malcolm X John Lennon, come on in and dig your mother.

-Aw mom, I can’t now. I gotta go do my homewo… I, I mean I gotta meet my connections.

-You can’t fool me, you’re in one of those underground study cells aren’t you?


-shock It’ll kill your father. I didn’t breast feed you for 14 years for this. Come here baby.

-But mom I’m not hungry.

-Straightneck, do yourself a favor, be groovy. Now sit down, turn on and tune in the TV.

-But mom I don’t wanna watch television.

-Oh you’re so weird.


[let’s skip ahead a bit]

And now ladies and gentleman the Paisley House on Capitol Hill, your spot for the best in food, fun and dancing proudly presents the fastest rising interim governmental administration in the western hemisphere. The cabinet of the United States of Being. From Rochester, New York, on lead guitar, the Secretary of Peace. On drums the Secretary of Inner Self. On saxophone, the Secretary of States of Consciousness. And here he is ladies and gentleman, the exp???, the most high Chief of the United States of Being, Stop and Cool it.

-Do you love me?

-Yes we do!

-On this birthday of the founder of our tribe, Sodom Clinton Powell. The first to take our sacred oath “If elected I refuse to serve.”

<skip a little more>

Hippy Republic of China

<skip a little more>

-Ciao baby, this is Major Hit in the cockpit of the Enola McGluin, flagship of the 7th Airborne peace Corp and Lending Library. We’re now over the center of rebel resistance in Northen Nigeria. And preparing to drop literature.

-Do the bomb bay door thing.

-Bomb bay doors swinging and open baby

-Groovy and out. Bombadeer, it’s your karma.

-We’re almost ready to drop it. I can see the entire rebel force running out of their huts looking up at the sky.

-Target ready. Books away!

-There they go, the literature is in a tight pattern. The rebels are beginning to scatter but it’s too late. On target. God this is an awesome moment. The last stronghold of unhip resistance is out of sight. Under 8 million hardbound copies of the Naked Lunch. It’s all over, we’re coming home!

Fud’s First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it WILL fall over
…No, just half a key. I had to split it with the sound-effects man…

ok ok, I calmed down and thought up my favorite one liner from those 4 or 5 crazy guys

“So take a tip from a cop who does.”