First book rejection letter!

[Snow_Pea]

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

A novel isn’t formal writing–or, at least, it needn’t follow the rules of formal writing. You might find it jarring and awkward, but calling it “wrong usage” was incorrect.

Ok, agreed. It still conveys an air of amateurishness to the passage, IMHO.

[Maserschmidt]

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

Fair point. I was trying to leave much of the prose intact, focusing on eliminating (mostly eliminating adverbs and adverbial clauses) rather than on changing ideas. I suspect that the messy hair and thin mouth are meant to show that the dude is stressed as fuck–am I right, SB?

My point…and I apologize for getting hung up on POV…but who is it that’s observing that he looks like a weathered house? I doubt he’s thinking that about himself, at that moment. But half a paragraph later we’re in his head, so I find that confusing.
By the way, thank you chiroptera for the queryshark link, that’s awesome!

[smiling_bandit]

@Maserschmidt

My point…and I apologize for getting hung up on POV…but who is it that’s observing that he looks like a weathered house? I doubt he’s thinking that about himself, at that moment. But half a paragraph later we’re in his head, so I find that confusing.

Well.. yeah, even if he’s not always actively thinking of it, he’s the one describing everything (omnisciently). I’m considering having him comment unfavorably on how he feels he’s fallen apart. I’ll leave the section sit for a while and then come back while I think about it.

@L H of D

Fair point. I was trying to leave much of the prose intact, focusing on eliminating (mostly eliminating adverbs and adverbial clauses) rather than on changing ideas. I suspect that the messy hair and thin mouth are meant to show that the dude is stressed as fuck–am I right, SB?

Oh hell yes. Painfully. By this point (which the audience is not supposed to know) he’s lost everything - friends, family, life, and then finally walked away from his identity just to try to forget.

Thank you all for the help.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@smiling_bandit

Oh hell yes. Painfully. By this point (which the audience is not supposed to know) he’s lost everything - friends, family, life, and then finally walked away from his identity just to try to forget.

Thank you all for the help.

I’m thinking you might structure it something like this:

-A tense exchange of dialog.
-A physical description of the guy.
-A description of the woman.
-A description of the house.
-A continuation of the dialog.

The descriptions should all be one paragraph, and they shouldn’t contain asides, judgments, or the passive voice.

So, a structure similar to this:

“Put down the eggplant!” John screamed.

His wife, face purple with rage, spat back, “Never!”

John’s liver-spotted hand clenched around the knife’s handle. He was still soaking wet from the bath, and his pallid bulk dripped water across the dining-room floor. The few hairs that remained to him were plastered against his forehead, where a vein throbbed ominously.

Zelda, dressed in an aquamarine sheath, brandished the despised vegetable like a crucifix. Her crimson nails scraped its skin revealing the bruised flesh beneath. She was almost inhumanly tall, and her beehive hairdo, festooned like a Christmas tree with LED lights, brushed the ceiling. Flecks of spittle dripped from lips pulled back into a snarl.

Between the two combatants was nothing except for Zelda’s ancient formica dining room table, topped with duck-themed place mats and a vase of wilting daisies. The chandelier that hung above the table featured four grimy flame-shaped bulbs and an empty socket and still trembled from the trauma of John’s elephantine entry into the room.

“By God,” John swore, “If you won’t put it down, I’ll carve it out of your hands!” With that, the troubles really began.

[Snow_Pea]

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

His wife, face purple with rage, spat back, “Never!”

Such childish melodrama.

Hint: Very, very few real people actually turn purple when angry.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@Snow_Pea

Such childish melodrama.

Hint: Very, very few real people actually turn purple when angry.

Ah, but the ones that do are exactly the ones who get in murderous fights over eggplants while wearing LEDs in their beehives. Didn’t pick up on THAT little detail, didja?

[elfkin477]

@Maserschmidt

This is a great book. Except the part where he says you aren’t trying if you aren’t writing four hours a day, AND you need to read a lot. Which is crazy.

I thought it was a good book except for the part where he said you shouldn’t watch TV. Screw you, Stephen King, TV is my preciousssss. Besides, I have ADHD. I watch TV and write at the same time, for some values of “watch.”