First Contact Headline News

SETI confirms arrival of extraterrestrials on planet Earth. Create headlines we’re likely to see.

Here’s a few to start you off:

USA Today: First Contact! Americans Ask: Will They Take Our Jobs or just Our Self-Esteem?

The Washington Post: Aliens Confirmed, Congress Debates Which Committee to Blame

The New York Times: Manhattan Meets Martians—Looking for Good Bagels

The Chicago Tribune: Aliens Try Deep-Dish, Demand Diplomatic Apology, Lactose-Free Options, and a To-Go Box

Las Vegas Review-Journal: ALIENS HIT THE STRIP! Elvis Impersonators Found to Be Actual Aliens

The Miami Herald: Aliens Arrive! Nation Debates if They’re Here for Peace or Just to Laugh at Florida

The Times (UK): Blimey, We’re Not Alone! Crumpets and Tea for Cosmic Company?

The Sydney Morning Herald: G’day, Galaxy Guests! Aliens Land in Oz, Confused by Kangaroos, Emus, and Vegemite

Der Spiegel: Aliens Arrive!: Germans Explain Oktoberfest, Aliens Politely Decline Lederhosen, but Demand More Beer

Le Monde: Interstellar Visitors Land: Leave After Hours of Being Lectured on Wine Decanting and Perfect Cheese Pairings

The National Enquirer:
ALIENS LAND IN HOLLYWOOD! Claim Kanye West Is Their Long-Lost Cousin

Your turn.

I think it would be better as:

National Enquirer

ALIEN LANDING IN HOLLYWOOD REVEALED TO BE A HOAX!

My (or probably any) relatively-local paper:

LOCAL PERSON SAW THE ALIENS!

(“local person” being some named individual who’s lived around here sometime in their lifetime.)