Five Pound Bag of Gummy Bears; an Amazon Review

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I hope I am allowed to cut and paste this here, if no I hope the mods will keep us legal

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*Oh man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear “Cleanse”. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can’t imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don’t post a video review during the aftershocks.

PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I’m not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I’m a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I’ve been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
68,041 people found this helpful*

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Hilarious. I wanted those gummy bears, once. Glad I resisted.

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I read on. The reviews are crazy. I was laughing outloud.

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It’s a real thing. One time, years ago when my wife and I were dating, we had done our home-Iron Chef thing, and bought a weird ingredient at the local gourmet market to figure out how to cook as part of our evening in. Along the way, I’d gone by the bulk aisle and got a bag full of sugar free gummi bears. Later in the evening, we watched a movie, and I snacked on the gummi bears, eating more of them than I probably should have.

Next morning, we went out to eat for an early lunch, and my guts were not happy. Before we’d even ordered, I had to go to the bathroom. Violent, burning diarrhea that was loud and ghastly smelling. At some point, another guy in there left, and apparently told his nearby SO that “the guy in there has something wrong”. Luckily, it was over with pretty quickly, and I never actually felt bad. Unfortunately, I didn’t connect the sugarless gummi bears until the next time I bought some- same exact pattern, different restaurant. At that point, I made the connection.

IIRC, they use sugar alcohols as sweeteners, which have a laxative effect if enough is consumed. But the border between “No problem” and “flaming butt-squirts” is like one bear.

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Notice to the entire world:

Sugar free candies do not contain your normal artificial sweeteners. Candy-making temperatures are too high, and the sweeteners break down. Plus candy also depends on a large volume of sugar to create the stuff.

Manufacturers cope with these difficulties by using sugar alcohols. These are a type of sugar which behave like sugar for candy making purposes. They are metabolized slower, so you don’t get the sugar “high” from eating them.

These nefarious cousins of real sugar pass through the digestive ride in the small intestines until they hit the colon. Then, being alcohols, they set out to PARTY! The good bacteria that dwell in the colon get completely drunk and rowdy, and they trash the place.

Moral of the story: when you see sugar-free candy, walk away. Quickly.
~VOW

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The reviews are true. I was with my great granddaughter in Sweden, and of course we stopped at “Godisflyget” (The Candy Plane) a great place to buy candy.
They even had 12 kinds of sugar free candy and, since I am diabetic, I bought a kilogram, ggd bought a kilo normal candy.
I have, by painstaking experiment, found that my stomach can tolerate 5 pieces per 24 hours. On the bright side, the candy lasted a long time.

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One HELLBEAR! :smiley:
I don’t like gummis myself but I did learn the hard way about sugar-free chocolates. It was sugar-free and pain-FULL when it came back.

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In Russia, bears make YOU shit in woods.

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And everywhere else.

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I’m still laughing. I see the main ingredient is maltitol which is, if memory serves, a laxative they give babies. This is what we get when not buying the true Haribo Gummi bears.

Note: my teenaged son had some digestive issues and the doctor recommended these so-called “fiber gummis” which are supposed to bulk you up. The hell they do. You get a similar reaction to what your sugar-free gummis give you, though not as “violent”. I learned the hard way, thinking what harm could a few fiber gummis do…

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After I was diagnosed with diabetes, I would occasionally have a few sugar-free candies or baked goods, made with sugar alcohols. Never had an issue, until the one time that I clearly had one too many, and was absolutely miserable with gut pain for hours. I just don’t indulge in them any more – not worth the risk! :eek:

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My wife and I were dieting several years ago. We also were embarking on a multi-day boat trip, our own boat. We got hungry.

We had these tangy gummi bears with that artificial sweetener. Big mistake: you eat enough to feel satisfied, then your insides turn to liquid. Whoopsie. Had to take turns going down to the head to purge, while the other steered the boat.

So yeah, I suppose for that one day, our fasting constituted “dieting.”

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Similar situation: Olestra (the artifical fat) potato chips. Once on my lunch break I picked up a bag of them by accident. It was one of those small snack bags so I ate them thinking it wouldn’t be enough to cause the trots.

Boy was I ever wrong! The rest of the afternoon was :eek: (run to the bathroom) :eek: (run to the bathroom) :eek: (run to the bathroom). I got an earful for leaving my department so much but it was either that or crap all over myself and the floor.

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Another diabetic who learned my lesson with sugar alcohols the hard way. I felt like I could fly around the room, with my jet-fueled sphincter.

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Heh, I checked the dates, because I remember seeing this story years and years ago. I did enjoy seeing it again, though!

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I won’t even chew sugarfree gum. I can live without it. Chocolate is my big crave. I get to have it occasionally.
I like black jelly beans. I can eat few. Sugarfree ones are nasty and laxative. Beware.

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I like black jelly beans, too! I loved licorice as a kid when all the other kids hated it. I hate “red licorice” as we used to call it. It’s Red Vines now. And it still tastes like plastic to me.

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You were lucky to make it to the bathroom!

I have heard of folks who tangled with Olestra who destroyed clothing.
~VOW

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Well, if you get another wonderfully reviewed product from Amazon, you can just slip & slide your way there.

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Is this going to be on the finals?