Five-Word Movie Review

Excalibur
Morgana doesn’t like Nicol Williamson.

Inkheart
Helen couldn’t save this turkey,

RED
Helen still has sex appeal.
Next: Films with cameos by non-actors.

Bridget Jones Diary
Salman Rushdie gets a 4.5.

Pet Sematary
Stephen King makes creepy minister.

Serial Mom
Patty Hearst is a juror.
Next: films with cameos by retired former stars. Extra points for uncredited cameos.

Dark Shadows
Surviving cast mostly came back.

Superman
Folks on train: Fifties stars.

Moby Dick
Gregory Peck: Ahab, remake’s preacher.

In play: Movies set in New Orleans, in whole or in part.

Interview With A Vampire
Pretty boy vampire’s typical unlife.

Pretty Baby
Brook Shields follows mom’s vocation.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Gambit didn’t steal the show.
Next: Movies set in Ohio, in whole or in part.

Heathers
Teenage angst with body count.

The Man Who Came to Dinner
Obnoxious invalid spoils family Christmas.

Bye, Bye, Birdie
Drafted teen idol kisses goodbye.
Next: Movies set mostly in Indiana.

Hoosiers
Plucky basketball team pursues victory.

Breaking Away
Teen cyclists begin growing up.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Roy’s never the same again.

Next: Movies mostly set in Ohio.

Next: Sci-fi, mad scientist, or other futuristic movies that made some kind of accurate prediction (even a small one buried in a lot of nonsense).

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Metropolis
Robots can be made lifelike

Back to the Future Part II
Gotta get a hoverboard… soon?

2001: A Space Odyssey
Small, flat computers now common.

Next: Movies set in Vermont.

Spellbound
Ingrid Bergman; Hitchcock; Dali sets.

Nothing Sacred
Writers: The Algonquin Round Table.

White Christmas
First VistaVision (double wide) film.
Next: Films of John Sayles.

The Spiderwick Chronicles
My grandson liked it lots.

The Howling
Reasonably fun lycanthropic horror movie.

Battle From Beyond The Stars
George Peppard regrets quitting Banacek.

Next: Films of Mickey Rooney.

Babes in Arms
Let’s put on a show!

Babes on Broadway
Young Mr. Rooney dons blackface.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Older Rooney impersonates Japanese here.
Next: Ur-trope examples (eg, Babes in Arms “Let’s put on a show!”)

Metropolis
Female robot a real trend-setter.

Star Wars
Han shot first - no, really!

Gone with the Wind
This dress? Just hanging around.

Next: Movies with a bad fictional President.

Americathon (John Ritter)
Hosts telethon to balance budget.

Mars Attacks (Jack Nicholson)
Stunningly bad diplomacy with Mars.

Absolute Power (Gene Hackman)
Has Secret Service “hit” mistress.
Next: “Coming out” (as gay/lesbian) stories.

Making Love
Uh, honey, can we talk…?

Coming Out
Young German teacher discovers himself.

Cruising
NYPD cop leading secret life.

Next: Movies about closeted gays.

Priest
Closeted priest confronts child molester.

Brokeback Mountain
Cowboys don’t even have words.

If These Walls Could Talk 2
First segment: lesbian couple, 1961.
Next: movies with rumors or ULs of a curse, haunting, or the like.

The Amityville Horror
Realtor not at all pleased.

The Shining
Very nice hotel - in summer.

The Ring
Creepy girl freaks me out.

Next: Movies in or about Ireland.

My Left Foot
Man with CP conquers most.

The Crying Game
Something IRA Terrorists, something transgender.

The Secret of Roan Inish
Is Fiona related to seals?
Next: movies where the rumors or ULs is about the movie, not the plot of the movie (eg, the ghost kid in Three Men and a Baby, and yes, you can use that one).

The Wizard of Oz
No one hanged on set.

The Exorcist
Production was not actually cursed.

The Shining
Not really about Holocaust/Indians.

Next: Movies with really good endings (no spoilers).

Planet of the Apes (the first one)
Winner: best movie ending ever.

The Blair Witch Project
Scared the crap outta me.

Soylent Green
Soylent Green is [Spoiler Alert]!
Next: Movies you think you’re supposed to like, but you just don’t.