Five Word Movie Reviews

I had a little insomnia the past couple nights (the kind where you wake up at 2 am and can’t fall back asleep for hours), and to occupy my brain while I was lying awake I came up with this little game.

Googling shows there are a few sites out there that do this (one’s even “Four word movie reviews”), so it’s not original, but I thought it would still be fun to see what you creative dopers come up with.

Rules are simple-- five words, compound words (ex: lightsaber) count as one word, but not hyphenated word pairs (I was going to use “plot-twist” as one word, decided that was cheating).

Here are a few I came up with in the middle of the night. A couple are spoilerish, but none are too new, other than “Oblivion”-- having two little kids we don’t get out much. Some are more synopsis than review, but hey, I was only half awake. I bet you guys’ll come up with better ones! Feel free to improve on movies I already did if you like.

Oblivion
Very attractive movie, nobody home.
OR
Way too much Tom Cruise.

The Godfather
Italian immigrant achieves American dream.

Star Wars Ep. IV, A New Hope
Good versus evil, plus lightsabers.
OR
Should still be episode I.

Looper
Hey, you’re me! Stand still.

The Dark Knight Rises
Bane blathers, breaks Batman’s back.

After.Life
You’re not really dead, stupid.

The Sixth Sense
You’re really, actually dead, stupid.

M. Night Shayamalan movies are good for this–

Signs
Invading aliens? Just add water.

The Village
Blind girl fetches medicine? Really?
OR
Monsters? Olden times? Not really.
OR
You’ll guess both plot twists.
**
The Happening**
Attack of the oppressed vegetation.

The Wizard of Oz
Girl kills once, then again.

Blade Runner
Man kills once, then again.

Sound of Music
Maria gets her problem solved.

King Kong
Big ape meets Big Apple.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Black Pearl
Why is the rum gone?

Star Trek: Into Darkness
Fandom seethes over villain’s reveal.

The Terminator
Computers try to destroy humanity.

The Matrix
Computers try to destroy humanity.

Apollo 13
Moonshot disaster averted; heroes return.

28 Days Later
Rage virus creates living zombies.

The Big Lebowski
Mistaken Identity. The Dude Abides.
**
Saving Private Ryan**
They go save Private Ryan

Mars Attacks
Jack Mugs While Aliens Plunder

Snakes on a Plane
Its exactly what it says

The Great Gatsby

Impressing your ex-girlfriend: overdoing it.

My Cousin Vinny
Italian American defends two yutes.

Rounders
Two poker players, one cheats.

Shakespeare in Love
Elizabethan-era awesome romantic comedy.

Dogma
Quasi-religious Kevin Smith flick.

Free Enterprise
Two nerds meet William Shatner.

Prometheus
Go watch Alien again instead.

Les Mis (the 2012 musical)
Great potential, but Russell sings.

Django Unchained
Pulp Fiction meets Mandingo & Wagner.

Life of Pi
Good kitty! If you’re there.

Star Trek: Into the Darkness
Cumberbatch’s identity poorly kept secret.

Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby
Shot in 3D and West-Egg.

Lord of the Rings
Rural gay midgets return jewelry.

Game of Thrones
Renaissance Faire with more nudity.

Superman
How he came to be

Superman 2
How he kicked Zod’s ass

Superman 3
Ditched Lois for Lana Lang

Superman 4
The franchise falls down dead

Superman Returns
Superman is a new daddy

Man of Steel
We’ll have to find out

I did a bunch of these on another board. These are fun.

Independence Day
Smith talks sass, punches Alien.

The Wrestler
Old grappler has bum ticker.

Space Jam
Crazy critters recruit ball player.

Star Wars
Farm boy takes hero’s journey.

Jackass
Idiots do tricks, hurt selves.

UHF
Imaginitive slacker inherits TV station.

Brian’s Song
Fullback dies, his bud cries.

Firefly
Crazy waif hears space zombies.
or
Outlaws ferry doctor and sister.

The Last Unicorn
Horned equus battles firey bovinae.

Lost in Space
Jerkass doctor becomes space spider.

Liota
Frank Langella shows his wang.
or
Dirty teen seduces stuffy prof.

Batman
Clownish freak attempts poisoning city.

It’s a Wonderful Life
Town’s better when guy’s alive

Goodfellas
Cokehead squeals on his buds.

Social Network
Smarmy jerk invents internet phenom.

Some Like it Hot
Crossdressing musicians hide from mob.

Repo Man
Punk, mechanic ride time machine
or
Lobotomized scientist hides glowing thing

My Fair Lady
Bluebloods wager on woman’s life
Or
Phoneticist addresses East Ender’s voice.
Or
Flower lady enjoys swanky ball.
Or
Mouthy broad yaps at horsetrack.
Or
Woman improves accent through song.

**Abraham Lincoln; Vampire Hunter **
Bearded statesman battles undead evil

the Fox and the Hound
Wild canidae befriends domesticated contemporary.

Finding Nemo
Widower, crazy woman save son

The Running Man
Chopper pilot fights light man.

Stephen Spielberg’s Lincoln
Daniel Day Lewis a god.

Some oldies:

The treasure of Sierra Madre
Crazy Old Coot with Boggie

Citizen Kane
Really. A friggin’ sled. Really?

Any of several cheap, 1950’s B movies
Giant mutant something wrecks havoc

10/10

Holes
Miscreants dig to “build character”
or
Kids eat onions in desert

Iron Sky
Space Nazis make brother Aryan.

True Romance
Lonely geek, hooker, sell coke.
or
Ghostly Elvis guides hero’s actions.

Captain America
Knickerbocker fights madman on plane.
or
Hero stops bad guy’s MacGuffin.
or
Super patriot beats super Nazi.
or
Dude with shield punches skull.

Simpsons the Movie
Oaf dumps poo in lake
or
Crappy city gets a dome.

Blazing Saddles
Cowboys eat beans and fart

Electric Horseman
Rhinestone cowboy hocks a cereal

PCU
Mischievous frat has successful kegger.
or
Slobs defeat politically correct opponents.
or
Happy Hogan dozes, gets keg.

Commando
Dude kills everyone, saves daughter

The Raid
Hero storms criminals apartment complex.

Titanic
Girl goes “flying”, ship sinks

Flash Gordon
Eat hot photons, laser-breath!

Up!
Old guy finds new love

Twister
Hey, look! We got COWS!

Fatal Attraction
Hot affair; bunny gets boiled

Forbidden Planet Id Id Id Id Id.

Robinson Crusoe on Mars Astronaut’s monkey finds hot dogs.

Escape From Alcatraz Yellow flowers piss off warden.

High Plains Drifter Ethereal town holds red picnic.

Psycho There’s money in the trunk!

Alien Face hugger ruins their breakfast.

Aliens Marines get their asses kicked.

I knew there’d be lots of good ones!

Looking forward to seeing what more are added when I get back from a Memorial Weekend camping trip. May have a few more of my own to add, since I don’t sleep well when camping…

Village of the Damned Alien spawn see brick wall.

Five Million Years to Earth Subway workers find bug films.

To Kill A Mockingbird Adicus shoots dog, loses case.

Family Plot Giant diamond hidden in chandelier.

Scarface
Cuban immigrant achieves American dream

But maybe it’s more appropriate to say:
Cuban immigrant attempts American dream

Good game - we’ve done it here before. Some of my favorite movies to start:

**Breaker Morant
**Three Australian soldiers get railroaded.

**Dark City
**Man wakes, discovers city’s secrets.

**The Incredibles
**Superhero family saves city, selves.

**Pride & Prejudice
**Love always finds a way.

**Raiders of the Lost Ark
**Resourceful academic fights Nazis, wins.