Eraserhead:
Babies are evil, ugly, bad.
The Shining:
Hotel layout MAKES NO SENSE!
The Rocky Horror Picture Show:
Drag queens are really EVIL!!!
Mommy Dearest:
Joan Crawford was a BITCH!!!
Batman (either Tim Burton one):
Contrived wackiness substitutes for plot.
Batman (Joel Schumacher one):
Latex Bat nipples - 'nuff said.
Any movie starring Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider or David Spade
It sucks; don’t bother watching.
Rear Window
Don’t kill! Crippled man watching
The Birds
They join together and attack
Children of Men
First child catalyst of revolution
Jurassic Park
Bad idea but looks awesome
The Great and Powerful Oz
Savior is full of s**t
2012
Just watch for special effects
The Day After Tomorrow
That’s not how global warming works. (Counting “global warming” as one word.)
Titanic
Ship sinks. Who cares. Leo!
Pulse
Guilt over cell phone usage
Scream
Serial killers who like pranks
Watchmen
Complex conundrums of superheroes’ lives.
2001
Black slab inspires space odyssey
North by Northwest
Adman climbs up Washington’s nose
Star Trek: Into the Darkness
plot point spoilered in 5 word review: The Wrath of Khan, again
The Godfather Part II
What happened before and after
Monsters from the ID, OMG!
Toy Story
Wary sheriff makes new friend
Toy Story 2
Woody kidnapped; pals rescue him
Toy Story 3
Daycare toys’ lives not easy
The Road
Just kill me now. Popcorn!!!
Lost in Translation
Couldn’t envision a final scene.
Rent
Get jobs hippies! Nice songs.
Jesus Christ Superstar: Bearded man persecuted, gets cross.
Silence of the Lambs: Doctor invites others for dinner.
Mary Poppins: Dominatrix abuses children with umbrella.
The Hobbit: There And Back Again
Should’ve been only one movie.
The Impossible
HOLY SHIT IT’S A TSUNAMI!
Armageddon: Morons make mincemeat of meteor
Hancock
Is this a superhero movie?
Shrek
Surprise! Ogres are beautiful too!
The Lion King
Kimba actually did it first
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Girl obtains vertically challenge harem
Funniest thing on the internet! 
And this a close second. 
My initial thought was “Dick Van Dyke must die”.
My five-word review would be, “Worst British accent until Costner.”
This thread:
Summaries, not reviews.
Killjoy.
I had heard it as:
Gay midgets return stolen jewelry.
Bumping with some more movies I’ve seen recently:
Man of Steel
Reboot is 'way too long.
Limitless
Pill changes man’s life forever.
Silk
Tedious movie, but Keira’s lovely.
Oblivion
Cruise’s character is badly misled.
A Serious Man
Coen Bros. retell Job’s travails.
Heh…I saw the title-- “Five word movie reviews”. Hmmm, sounds familiar…:smack:
I think this is my first revived zombie thread (if less than a year old counts). Yay! Thanks, EH.