Fix Your Life. The Rue DeDay Way!

While I was out communing with Nature this weekend, (Nature says “Hi”. She also gave me her phone number and made the “Call me” sign with her pinky and thumb. She was out drinking with Luck and the Fates, Metaphorical Girls’ Night Out, and she was kinda tanked. Father Time and Old Man Winter gave me the Stink Eye, so I didn’t keep her number) I thought I’d try to help people. I figured writing a self-help book would be the way to go. Things aren’t going too great, but this is what I have so far…

Did you see how each chapter referred back to the previous one? That’s some big-time technique used by real literature types. I’m sure. Anyway, things look pretty short. It just doesn’t scream The New York Times Best Seller List. It doesn’t even say, in a conversational tone, The East Lansing Courier List of Pretty OK Books That Maybe You Should Read If You Have Some Time On Your Hands. So, I’m thinking I’ll pad it. Just a squintch. I’ll put in my Rue DeDay Sure-Fire Way to Lose Weight

Still pretty short. Maybe the Rue DeDay Relationship Building Thingy.

That’s all I got. It’s still too short to be a book. Maybe I could photocopy it at Kinkos and sell the sheets for $2.00. Whadda ya think? Or I could have my own radio call-in show. I couldn’t be worse that some of the yobs out there.
-Rue.

I like it.

Ya know, Rue, I started your Rah Rah Fan Club and all, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way - I mean, I do have dirty dreams about you but that’s another thread entirely - maybe being a guru isn’t your forte’… but really - NACHOS?? Get a grip man!!

Snickers, sweetheart, baby, it’s just a metaphore. Really. If it makes you feel better, in FairyChatLand it can be those little ice cream balls covered in chocolate so you can pick them up with you fingers and not get all gooey. (“Nachos” is quicker to type. Even with cut-and-paste.)

If your really want to feel better, e-mail me with those “another thread entirely” ideas. I’ll throw together a Rue DeDay Sensual Massage and Scented Body Oils Gift Pack and show up right at your very own door. How would that be?

Where did you say you lived again?
-Rue.

…and it’s not “forté”, it’s “forte”. It’s French not Italian. “Forte” is French for “strength” pronouced “fort”. “Forte” is Italian for “loud” and is pronounced “for-tay”.

And before anyone says it…

I was kidding with the whole “Language and Usage” lesson. Just so you know.

Rue DeDay, Language Guy?? Sorry, wrong answer, but thanks for playing…

:stuck_out_tongue:

Mornin’ Rue, tell Nature I say “Hi” back. In no particular order, I have to go with FCM on the Language Guy thing. But I liked the self help tome, at least it was a decent start. I would look for something a little more common ground than Nachos, but can’t think of what that might be off the top of my head. Also, maybe take all three different sections and find creative ways to tie them together. I am not creative or I would do it for you.

Unless this is all just a code way for you and FCMom to have cyber sex together, if so please excuse my intrustion.

I beg your pardon? We all KNOW that Moms don’t have sex, cyber or otherwise! That would upset the natural balance of the universe. Now go wash your mouth out with soap and sit in that corner and think about what you just said. And you can forget about going out this weekend - you’re grounded!!

Cyber sex indeed…

Well, Spider Woman likes it. And that’s good enough for me.

All the problems of a person’s life solved in one handy guide… Hmmm… so, Shibb, you think there’s really a market for that? Wouldn’t there be a better profit margin keeping each area separate?

Not that I’m doing this for the money. No, no, no, that would be crass. I’m just thinking I could sell the books and use the funds to finance my many other charitable organizations.

And cyber-sex with Snickers… again, hmmm… how would that work exactly? Something like this? (The Fates can be too cruel sometimes.)

Did you know Snickers is married? And she used to be in the Navy? If I (nacho)cheesed her off she, or her husband, could probably call on some of their Navy friends and park a destroyer on my chest. (She’s also an engineer. Along with a destroyer, there could be a train on me.) (I remember this because in one of my early posts I very lightly mocked Chief Scott. Then I had much remorse (see upcoming “Popeye” scenario) and said “maybe I should pick on FairyChatMom instead”. Then I find out she was in the Navy too. D’oh!)

That’s why I stay away from beaches. You never know when someone might go all Popeye. Eat a can of spinach, your muscles get real big, there’s a humorous yet descriptive animated skit on your chest, and then you flatten someone. Nope, don’t want that to happen to me. That’s why I stay away from sailors. (Or ex-sailors. You never can be too carefull.)

And I’m just glad no Dopers need advice from me on their lives. That would take up all my free time, and my JaiLai game is already suffering.
-Rue.

P.S. While I was “Previewing” Snickers let Shibb have it on the cyber-sex front. So forget anything I had to say about it.

If I may add a few things?

Chapter 6: People Who Wear Sweatpants In Public Have Just Given Up On Life.

Statistics show that most people who buy self-help books wear sweatpants to the bookstore. You’ve got to stop that, people. Now by sweatpants, I don’t mean those ultra cute track pants with the flare and stripe down the side, or those “yoga pants” you picked up from Victoria’s Secret - I mean those stained fleecy grey heather sweatpants with elastic at the ankles. By wearing these pants out of the house, you are saying “World, I’ll never fit into leather pants and I’ve just accepted that like the sheep that I am.” You are saying “Please don’t ask me for a date. I don’t like attention from others.” Oh, “but sweatpants are comfortable”, you whine. Yeah, so are a pair of soft faded jeans worn with tennies or sexy boots. Or a pair of soft black pants that make your hips look small.

Sweatpants are of course acceptable under limited circumstances: working out in a gym, working out outside a gym, working out at home, and lounging around at home during cold winters when you know you aren’t going to be seeing anyone.

Now go change.

Tune later to Chapter 8: Why All Your Friends Are Annoyed with Your People-Pleasing, Approval-Seeking Behavior and
Chapter 9: Don’t Tell Every Private Detail Of Your Romantic Relationships to Your Friends

Hmm. Needs padding.

How about a chapter 4 - Eat Your Greens?

You could use that to tie the weight-loss program to the self-help method. Maybe a subheading “Stay Regular” would be in order.

pan

You’re right Rue, the bookstore girl IS busy. Could you maybe give me some advice on how to effectively manage my workspace?

Puddin’

magdalene, and kabbes, thanks for the help. I’ll take your suggestions under advisement.

One point of clarification. kabbes, is it any greens or something particular? M&M’s, Jolly Ranchers, and Chuckles all have a green option. Would these count?

OK, two points…
“Stay Regular”
What if you’re a “petite”, or “long”? Then what do you do?

And since my JaiLai practice isn’t for a bit, Puddin’, I’m going out on a limb here, but your workspace would be mostly… books? I’d try shelves. Large stacks of books on the floor are esthetically pleasing, but shelves are more convenient.

And you can use the shelves as lanes for after-hours cart racing. (You do get those wheelie-carts to help you move the books around, right?)
-Rue.

Trust me on this one, you just want to sell a lot of copies of one book, then you cash in on the option for the film rights and other product tie-ins. Make sure you keep merchandising control of the characters, there’s gold in them thar hills.

Now I see Bruce Willis playing me in the film version…

Rue, I like it. I’d pay $2.00 for a copy.

Maybe that’s the problem. If I’m not a Mommy anymore, can I get laid?

:d&r:

Heh. I’d say the opposite, fairychatmom :wink:

I remember in my early teen-age years we’d see the odd young single mothers in their late teen-ish/early 20ish years walking with a baby stroller. We’d just say to each other that “yeah, you know they put out”.

Do you see yourself more as the Death Becomes Her Bruce, or the Hudson Hawk one?

Although since Ginger showed up, the “Action Figures” should sell pretty good. Especially in the “Males 14-28” demographic. Even if she doesn’t get Kung-Fu Grip™.
-Rue.

No, sort of a mix between Moonlighting, Twelve Monkeys, Unbreakable and Color of Night. Okay, I didn’t like Color of Night but the costar was kind of hot, in a way which I would never, ever, dare to imagine FairyChatMom. Ever. Really.

I can just hear the cash registers tinkling merrily in the distance…

Odd single young mothers? How narrow-minded of you to make such judgements!! I am aghast!! <insert aghast smilie>

Just out of curiosity, what did you say about 40-somethings standing forlornly in driveways as their teenager daughter drives off in the family car? Did sex ever occur to you then? I mean with the mom, not the teenage daughters…

No, wait, don’t answer that. I have enough stress with the girl driving…

Well, actually, I am kinda hot. I just got back from walking the dogs and it is still a bit warm out… so go ahead - imagine me hot! :smiley: