From Loused Up In Space (written by the genius of Mad Magazine parodies, Dick DeBartolo, and paraphrased a bit).
One Robinson or another: It so hot in here. We’re burning up!
2nd Robinson: Can’t we do something?
1st Robinson: No, there’s nothing we can do.
3rd Robinson: Let’s ask the robot
1st Robinson: What should we do (note this was done in rhyme, but I don’t recall it).
Robot: why. . . . not . . . open . . . a . . . window.
Later, after a long explanation about how the death of Will and the Robots were only a wish fulfillment fantasy on the part of Dr. Smith:
Robinson. “You see, it’s psychological.”
Dr. Smith: It’s also the cheapest cop-out in the history of TV.
Robinson: Oh? Do you remember last week’s episode.
Dr. Smith: OK, it’s the second cheapest cop out in the history of TV
In their parody of Network, Howard Beale (or whatever they called him) has just been on TV ranting that the network he works for is about to be purchased by Arab businessmen. Two network executives are talking:
“Nobody was supposed to know about the Arab deal. Do you think it will still be approved?”
“That depends.”
“Depends on what?”
“On whether 50 million Americans can keep a secret.”
I think of that line whenever I hear any vast, complicated conspiracy theory.
I remember that scene and line too, although somehow I don’t think it was from a Mad parody, I think it was a Star Trek spoof from another source, maybe fan fiction. No proof, though.
Not sure if it ws “Mad” or not, but I recall a parody of the first Star Trek film. In the opening scenes of the film, a Klingon ship is destroyed by the V’Ger cloud. This was the first time we saw the ridge-forehead Klingons, and unlike later movies and shows, the ridges were all identical – a roughly two-inch wide bony ridge from front to back.
In the parody, a Klingon Officer without a ridge stares at the Captain and says:
“Pardon me, sir, but is that a lobster on your forehead?”
Now, this is not really funny in a ha ha way, but just in an incongruous way. To me anyway. At age fifteen or so, I thouht it hilarious to walk up to strangers on the street and say that line just to see their reactions.
Also recall a Raiders of The Lost Ark parody in which the question is raised: If a hundred Arab natives are digging at the Well of Souls, silhouetted on a ridge by the setting sun, and singing in unison, why don’t the Nazis hear them and see them since they’re not far away.
The next panel shows Spielberg exhorting the Nazis: “LOOK THE OTHER WAY! LOOK THE OTHER WAY!”
Mother: “I wonder what your Father will say?”
Daughter: "When he sees [insert black boyfriends name]
Mother: “No, when he sees me with my head in the oven”
Later the Father comes home:
Daughter: "Daddy, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend, [insert black boyfriends name]
Father (turns to mother): “Race you to the oven”
I think they did one long parody of all 5 Planet of the Apes films. In the one for the 4th one, Battle I think (the one with Ricardo Montalban) in the scene where Ceasar shouts, “Dirty human bastards!” they had him say, “Fascist pigs!”. Then when they ask Montalban why they heard his ape talk he says, "Because THAT ape is a ventriloquist!"
In the parody for the Kung Fu series pilot the railroad bosses ask Kane what he can do and he says how he can split rails, bend iron, build bridges etc. Then when they ask the other guys they all say in unison, "We’re gonna ride the railroad the chinaman builds!"
Later during a flashback with young Kane & master Po:
MP “Which is better, an orange or a battleship?”
K “An orange?”
MP “What?! Are you crazy? Do you know how much a battleship is worth? An orange is maybe half a yen!”
K "Um, then a battleship is better?
MP “Can you eat a battleship? Can you squeeze it and get juice?”
Also from The Shining. as Wendy and Danny are walking past Jack’s frozen corpse:
“That reminds me, we’re out of frozen ham.”
From a Star Trek TV parody, after a rescued castaway is discovered to infected with a dangerous virus, Kirk is shoving him out an airlock while wolfing down a banana:
Spock: “Captain, are you trying to throw this man out?”
Kirk: “Of course not! How could you accuse me of such a cowardly act? He was supposed to slip out on this banana peel!”
Lagomorph, regarding the Star Trek parody, I’m pretty sure it was Mad! I don’t think I’ve ever knowingly read “fan fiction,” but I could be wrong. I’d guess I was probably 12 (and, errumpf, I’m considerably older than that now).
Aside … Maybe National Lampoon? But most of what I remember from that magazine was rather racier. (A story called “My Vagina” in particular won’t leave my brain no matter how many bleach soakings. LOL)
I was reminded also of the Mad parody of Rocky … I can’t remember what they called it. Rocky is saying he just wants to “go the distance … between here and Sidney, Australia.”
Also Talia Shire is depicted as so shy she’s got her head stuck in a birdcage. Wait a minute! She’s not shy! She’s just doing a low-cost hair frosting job. Yuk, yuk … yuck!
From MAD’s parody of Star Trek II: (can’t remember the “altered” character names…)
Kirk: (on intercom) Damage, Scotty?
Scotty: No thank ye, sir, we’ve got plenty already!
Also…(and heavily paraphrased)
Spock: If we knew their combination code, we could lower their shields…
Kirk: Preposterous! How would it be possible for one to…
Spock: Four-One-Two! Brilliant sir! Reliant is lowering her shields!
THE ECCHORIST - The mother is talking to a panel of doctors about what could be wrong with her daughter, and they all make nonsense speculations. One says, “Sounds like Kropotnik’s Disease to me.” She asks “What’s Kropotnik’s Disease?” He replies “How should I know? Ask Kropotnik!”
The next guy says “You can ask me. I’m Kropotnik.” She says, “OK, what’s Kropotnik’s disease?” He says “Don’t ask.”
My favorites were from Mad’s parody of Star Trek IV:
Kirk: Okay, we’re now in the twentieth century, but we’ll need some help. Uhura, go pick up some sailors.
Uhura: May I remind you that we’re in San Francisco, Sir?
Kirk: Right. Sulu, go pick up some sailors.
(Later, when the Enterprise crew is about to leave, the whale-scientist girl begs Kirk to take her with him)
Kirk: Why? I’m sure there are plenty of eligible men for you to date in the twentieth century.
Girl: What, in San Francisco?
Finally, the kicker at the end was:
Spock: Unbelievable!
Kirk: Unbelievable that we went back in time, got two whales and saved Earth?
Spock: No, unbelievable that our entire time there was spent in San Francisco, and we only made two bad gay jokes.
[sup]TOO MUCH SPARE TIME DEPT.[/sup][ul]
[li]The guy being pushed out of the airlock is from “Star Blecch”, issue 115, Dec 1967 (Drawn by Drucker, with uncredited art on the aliens by Martin). [/li][li]“The Shiner” appeared in issue 221, Mar 1981. [/li][li]Sir Rhosis is wrong about both of his quotes. Must have been (blecch) Cracked, or (double-blecch) Crazy.[/li][li]“Raiders Of A Lost Art” (#228, Jan 1982) had the following dialogue, not “The Force And I” (#203, Dec 1978):[/li]“I’ll descend…while you stand guard!”
“Can’t I come down and lend you a HAN’?”
“I don’t need a HAN’! I’ll do it SOLO!”
“HAN’…? SOLO…? That is the most shameless plug I’ve ever heard!”
[li]“The Milking Of The Planet That Went Ape” (#157, Mar 1973) only parodied the first four movies (but the quotes are spot-on accurate).[/li][li]From “Obituaries For TV Show Characters” (#194 Oct 1977):[/li]Space Hero James Kirk Dies In NY Mugging: “I recall one of the muggers shouting, ‘Kill the mother,’ which surprised me, as Captain Kirk, to my knowledge, had never bore children.” Spock said.[/ul]
SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS
“Do you have Totally Mad?”
…“No, I memorized every issue for my bar mitzvah.”
…“No, I’m the curator for the Mad Magazine wing of the Louvre.”
…“No, I’m the love child of William Gaines and Rain Man.”
There was this pardoy of “Jaws,” written to be sung to numbers from “The Sound of Music.” I think it was called “The Shark and I.” One song stands out particular, though I won’t quote it all here:
Jaws! A mouth, a great big mouth.
Teeth! Those things that kind of crunch.
Bite! The way sharks say hello.
Us!- His favorite quick lunch
