In my observation (your experience may be different,) it seems to me that single men and women are the most likely to be anxious about their unmarried status when they are between the age of 25-35. Before 25, they don’t get too nervous about it yet, and after 35, they don’t seem to care much anymore.
A reasonable theory seems to be that after 35, single people have gotten so comfortable and accustomed to being single that it no longer bothers them as much that they are unmarried. Or it could be that they have developed a resigned or somewhat defeated attitude.
But I would also have thought that for single women who are older than 35, their anxiety about not having children or not being married might still be high, because they are in their last fertile childbearing years. It would make sense that a 45 or 55 year old single woman might not care about marriage, but a 35-year old single woman still might be anxious?
Anyone else have any thoughts - do you think this 25-35 ‘decade of anxiety’ theory is correct?
I was married at 23, divorced again at 27, blissfully single(ish) until 33, then married again at 37. Make of that what you will.
It’s a sample of one, for sure, but I’ve never really had any anxiety about being single, married or otherwise at any age. I suppose having already been married and divorced quite young changed my perspective on things - but then again, I think even if I’d got to my age now without ever being married I don’t think I’d be that bothered about it.
I’ve been bothered about not being married since, probably, I was 12. Unfortunately, that’s probably made it harder to actually get married since I’m so serious about the topic. I’m now 36 and it still feels like I’m missing someone.
People who want to get married so badly that they are anxious over it probably end up settling before too long. Then they become the miserable sad sacks who post about their unhappy marriages.
I’m single and I have never felt anxious over not being married and not having kids. I actually can’t relate to this at all, to be honest. If I wanted a spouse and children and I couldn’t have either, I don’t think anxiety would be the emotion I’d be feeling. It would be despair. The only reason I can think I’d feel anxious is if someone(s)–like my parents–were applying social pressure on me. Like telling me I’m a disappointment if I don’t procreate. The fear of disappointment would cause me anxiety. But not the prospect of being alone.
Just from what I’ve seen in my friends and acquaintances, the people who get anxious about never forming a lifelong relationship do it in their early-to-mid 30s. It’s really not a concern before 30. My circle might not be representative, though.
And the people who get most anxious about ending up alone - male and female - aren’t the same as the people who get most anxious about never having kids.
This.
As the OP surmises there’s a difference between men & women on the timing for no kid anxiety vs. the timing for alone forever anxiety.
As well, I’ve said here before (and been roundly criticized for it) that I think women are vastly more prone to no kid anxiety than men are. Or at least I think that was true in my era; who knows what those darn 20-somethings are up to nowadays 
I am a man that always wanted kids but was always ambivalent about marriage because my family’s major collective talent is divorce. We have racked up some impressive divorce numbers through multiple generations and I am sure there will be many more to come.
I was married by 25, done having kids by 33 and divorced at 35. I am strongly anti-marriage at least for myself because it is a concept that I don’t understand and never will. I also firmly believe that the vast majority of marriages are shams in some fundamental way at least in terms of the way they are presented to friends, family and the outside world but other people can worry about that while I enjoy my freedom peacefully.
I love being a father but hated almost every second of being married. I would be about as likely to do it again as I would to respond to an ad to sell myself into slavery in Africa. It is fundamentally the same thing in my mind (not to insult any real slaves that are reading this; I just hate the loss of freedom and autonomy more than other people seem to).
Funny - I turned 36 this year and I almost suddenly decided I wasn’t dating anymore, I don’t care, and I don’t think that at this point I could live with another person. Unless he was quiet and kept to himself and wasn’t interested in talking to me a lot or engaging me in whatever he was doing. But uhm…I don’t think that’s a healthy marriage. So I decided I’m done, I’m out.
Never wanted kids so I can’t speak to that. Although I find my friends who are my age who do want kids (they are all married) are switching to adoption mode by now.
32/M/Never Married. Can’t say I’m worrying about it too much. What my main concern would be is I’ve always wanted an extended period to simply live a low stress my life with a SO. However at this point there’s not many single/childless prospects left, and even if I were to meet someone tomorrow, give it 1-2 years to propose, get married, then I’m at least 36 before we start to seriously consider starting a family and we’re already at the fertility downswing. Not that it’s a BIG problem but it looms.
31, male. No anxiety, yet.
I have noticed from my own circle of friends, that two types of marriages are certain to end in divorce. The “OMG I luv her/him/ soooooooo much’” and the ones who saw marriage another tick on the checklist of “being grown up”
26 here, nothing yet. Divorced 2 or 3 years ago, though-- maybe that’s why.
At work, the older patients usually initiate a conversation by asking me if I am married/have kids.
Truthfully, I tell them no to both. Sometimes they give me the “oh you’ll find Mr. Right some day” speech. Sigh.
Zipper, you may be surprised at how attractive that sounds to a lot of us.
Maybe because it’s my age group but I have a lot of single women friends in their late 40s/early 50s who are desperate to get married.
They feel like their time is running out and they don’t want to be alone. I hate to say it, but more than a few are looking for a man to take care of them. They haven’t saved for retirement and have no idea how they are going to make it.
From my perspective I see absolutely no reason why the men in that age group would want to marry. The available ones are usually divorced, their kids are grown and out of college. Why would they want to take on more responsibility now? They may want to date, or even be in a relationship. They may even go so far as to live together, but another trip down the aisle? Why? They sure don’t want to take on another person’s bills or help raise their kids. I don’t blame them.
So in my age group you have the women who want to marry and the men who don’t. Of course I could be wrong and maybe a lot of men in that age group do want to marry, but I don’t know any.
Some of the happiest couples I know live in their own homes and take care of their own business. They are committed to each other and the relationship but they don’t need or want to live in the same space.
Again, I’m just going by my circle, but from what I’ve seen, women are more likely to have the no-kid anxiety (not hugely more likely, but a couple of notches) and men are more likely to have the alone-forever anxiety (again, by a couple of notches).
I do know that if someone is 25 and claim not to want to ever get married and/or have kids, I just laugh at them. They don’t have a clue. A few years from now, they’ll mostly be married or in long term relationships, with kids. Apparently, it just happens at around age 30.
When they’re 35 and say the same thing, I start believing them.
I think part of it is you sometimes lose your single friends as they get married because married people usually only wish to hang out with other couples and single friends become awkward.
Just my observations, the supply of “good” men becomes lower and lower as the years go by and the “best” ones get grabbed up and married. I’m talking education, good job, good looks, good person overall. Their are still a FEW good ones left but they are hard to find.
For example, a coworker of mine who had all the good things above (good job, good looks and all) he was 41 and when he became divorced, I swear I dont know how all the single women at work found out but they came swarming after him!
Yeah, I would say typically 25 is the time that young people start feeling anxiety about marriage, kids, career, etc. It’s kind of the point where you start getting closer to 30 than 20 and can’t really pretend anymore that you are “right out of college”.
Those feelings tend to grow stronger as they approach 30. After 30, I think it subsides a bit. They crossed a major age milestone and didn’t explode or suddenly turn into a bald, middle-age fat guy or old lady.
I’ve also heard the expression “dirty 30s”. I suppose the implication is that the a lot of people in their 30s sort of experience a “dating renaissance” (fuck a lot). Probably due to a large number of recent divorcees or people getting anxious to find someone before the turn 40.
I’m 33, and every single one of the male friends that any sane woman would actually want to marry (and most of those that no sane woman would want) is now married. My wife is the same age, but for some reason her female friends have been much less marriage-prone. I’ve also mostly cultivated female friends rather than male ones in post-college life. So collectively, we have dozens of (often quite attractive) female friends and virtually no eligible males.
I keep thinking I should start a service or something. Usually it’s much harder to find large numbers of single women than men. What’s especially weird is that none of my wife’s friends or my single female friends are unattractive or crazy or anything. In another life, I’d probably be happy to date most of them. They’re just unlucky.
For what it’s worth, the wife and I are the only kidless couple left among my large college-friend clique, and that is starting to wear on her. She has a little bit of the biological clock thing going, and a larger bit of the constant “so when are you guys going to have a baby?” I think pregnancy kills off the part of the brain where tact comes from or something. I mean, we don’t have fertility issues or anything, we’re just not ready - but if we did, wouldn’t they feel fucking horrible?
My mother told me that the questions nosy people ask are in order
1)When you getting married?
-
When you having kids? (once no 1 is done)
-
Don’t you want one of each gender?
-
Brother should have a brother and a sister a sister.
She says she got to three before she decided that nosy people could fuck off.