I don’t know why I’m freaking out about something like this. I have 4 weeks today until I’m married. Mrs. Christopher Freeman!!! I have been wanting to get married for a year and a half but now it is swirling in my head constantly.
I’m only 19!!!
Is my life going to be over? Will guys ever hit on me again. Am I completly out of the market now? What if 5 years down the road I want to know what other guys are like? I am no longer going to be someone’s girlfriend. I’ll be his wife. When I talk about him to my friends and co-workers I’ll be like “well my **husband[b/] does the same thing…”
I’m totally flipping out!!!
I know I love him and only want to be with him. I don’t really want to experiement more before I’m married. I know that we are perfectly meshed. I know I could deal with him until he is old and gray and parts don’t work and he is growing hair in places there isn’t supposed to be hair.
…some guys always do. As for out of the market, you can look but not touch. Like they say, even if you’re on a diet you can read the menu, so log as you don’t order. You’re young to get married, but it can still work, and some cold feet is normal at any age. Good luck.
Speaking as a person who has never been in a relationship (so take it for what it’s worth), getting married should be a total commitment. And if you’re not ready for that total commitment, if you fear (even a little bit) that it may not last five years, then maybe you should wait.
Divorce and separation are very messy. Especially if you have kids in the meantime (which is another rant altogether).
However… I dunno nothin’. So feel free to ignore my so-called advice.
I don’t have doubts about the relationship with him… Just the impact on my life that will take place after the “i do” We aren’t having kids any time soon. that is 7-8 years down the road. And He would never let me divorce him. I am totally committed to him. but who doesn’t like a little flirting. Especially someone who isn’t the cutest thing in the world. I’m just having an identity crisis right now…
Some indecision is expected in any major life event.
Don’t get carried away with yourself. This is the same guy he’s always been. You are the same you and YOU WILL BE AFTERWARD! I know the “loss” of identity can be scary. But remember, it’s just a name, it’s not changing who you are. You are young, but just don’t have kids for a while. That way, if the worst happens, you are only affecting the two of you. I recommend waiting several years for everybody wanting kids, not just you junior members, but I think it’s even more important for you. My son is almost 20, engaged to an 18 year old. Remain calm! Life is gonna happen exactly the way it’s supposed to, no matter what you do!! Good luck, Sweetie!
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Honestly, I was married (dismally, but it didn’t start out that way) for 15 years. And I couldn’t flirt with a handbook and CD alongside.
But the whole wife thing always spooked me out. The commitment, essentials, etc. were fine, but that label made my eyebrows sweat.
It wasn’t leaving giddy good times behind; never had 'em anyway. I’m somewhere beyond anal, high-minded idiots. But somehow the smug label “wife” totally freaked me out. Acourse I also grew up during the 60’s; the real thing, not the convenient media pigeonholes.
Only lotsa reading and life taught me that every generation faces exactly the same things. Some just handle the timeless issues w/ more grace.
Bonding w/ another person doesn’t mean giving up; it’s adding ON! Never was fortunate enough to experience it firsthand, but seen enough wondeful success stories to know it’s possible.
You’ll do fine, kiddo. Bonding of two true hearts doesn’t mean less; it’s infinitely more. Don’t let the labels spook ya.
Hmm, this sounds vaguely familiar. I think it was when we registered. The Registry Hag handed us the sheet of paper where the computer had printed our names side by side and THEN it hit me. I nearly bolted out of the room, it suddenly dawned on me that I was going to be someone’s WIFE! It’s hard to articulate why this was suddenly such a shocker.
Anyway, you won’t be any different. You’ll still be you. I thought maybe I’d suddenly be different when I got married (and when I got my first job, and when I became a mom) but you know what? I didn’t change. Same old me, warts and all. I still feel like giggling when I use the word “husband” and I don’t think of us like I used to think of “married people” (as if they were some other species).
And IMHO, having a realistic view of marriage (knowing it won’t always be starry eyes and candlelight) is a good sign on your part. Contrary to what someone else has said, I also think doubts are normal (within limits, of course). If you’re both in it for the long haul, you’ll work through the stuff that comes up. And stuff probably will. Marriage is about tackling it together.
I’ve heard a lot about the seven year itch (we’re not there yet) but so far, the toughest time was right after we got married. When something would bug me, I’d think “GOOD CHRIST, I’m going to have to deal with this for the next 50 years?!?! How am I going to DO that?!?!” Then I realized a lot can change in 50 years. Maybe he’ll stop leaving the cap off the toothpaste, or maybe I’ll stop caring so much. That relieved me.
I’ll shut up and let someone who has been married for longer than me give better advice.
I’m not reading the other responses until I have a chance to address your concerns one question at a time. Please keep in mind that I am an inexpert counsellor. I have no license to give you authoritative answers. Please consider these opinions, but do whatever the heck you think is appropriate anyway. If you change your mind to your regret, bon’t blame me.
"Is my life going to be over?"[ul]Probably not. Many married people live healthy, productive lives. There is a temporary period of insanity and seeming idiodicy while raising children, but most recover once the kids have flown the coop. Keep in mind that, on average, married couples live longer than single ones (although I’ve heard there’s some research that indicates single women live longer than married ones).[/ul]
"Will guys ever hit on me again?"[ul]Is a pig pork? Does a bear excrete in the wilderness?
Next question:[/ul]
"Am I completly out of the market now?"[ul] That depends. Do you plan on cheating on your husband?[/ul]
"What if 5 years down the road I want to know what other guys are like?"[ul]Live in ignorance. We’re a pretty varied lot, but the sort that would mess with a married woman is probably not a real winner. It’s your choice, but I wouldn’t advise it.[/ul]
"I am no longer going to be someone’s girlfriend."[ul]Excuse me? If your husband doesn’t still think of you as his “girlfriend” (at least regarding the positive aspects of girlfriend/boyfriend relationships) you shouldn’t marry him. My parents each thought the other was quite the hot item while they both lived. They even went out to dinner (sans kids) and watched the submarine races well into their 60s. They’d still be at it except dad died. Pity.[/ul]
"Then why am I flippin out?"[ul](At least) Three possibilities here:
Normal premarital anxiety.
You’re changing a very significant part of your life here. You’re entering into a covenantal relationship with someone you love very much and you’re having a bad case of the last-minute-what-ifs.
It’s possible you aren’t ready for marriage.
You’re in denial about this, but as the deadline grows nearer, you’re beginning to realize you’re getting into something that you can’t get out of without hurting someone or doing something you won’t like owning up to.
You’re in denial about some very severe personality defects in you or your mate or there are extreme differences in how each of you anticipate marriage will change things.
He’s got a roving eye or doesn’t want children and you do (or vice versa) or something else is going to cause trouble down the road.
Consider the realities of the relationship and throw away the “what-ifs”. Unless you’ve seen signs of trouble, it’s just jitters.[/ul]
There. Now I can go see what everyone else told you.
Tubagirl, look before I was twenty I had been married, widowed and married for the second time with a baby on the way.
I enjoy being a wife. It’s not always easy or fun, but hell what is ?
Flipping out before hand is normal. There are all those annoying questions floating around, the ones you have already asked yourself. Yes you are off the market once you say I do, but you are still on display.
Some men like to flirt for the fun of it. They are cool, fun to be around.
Others do it trying to hit on a married woman because they really want something but they don’t have to worry about the woman wanting a commitment from them. (They are sleeze balls BTW). I keep my flirting online with people who know I’m bsing around, for fun. I’m not looking for anything beyond that.
If you can find ways to flirt with your own husband it will help keep the fires burning at home. Married doesn’t have to equal boring.
I’ve been married for 22 years now, there is nothing I would rather be than the LIONsob’s wife.
Like Veb said don’t let the labels worry you. Keep being Tubagirl just add Freeman to the end of that, be his wife but don’t lose who you are doing that. After all he fell in love with you, not himself.
Did that make any sense at all ? Probably not. I think I need to go to bed now.
<I don’t know why I’m freaking out about something like this. I have 4 weeks today until I’m married. Mrs. Christopher Freeman!!! I have been wanting to get married for a year and a half but now it is swirling in my head constantly.
I’m only 19!!!>
My father was married at 21. He was engaged at 18, maybe 17.
My father has been married half his life. 21 years.
Seven words: Shania Twain, “Still the One”
<Is my life going to be over? Will guys ever hit on me again. Am I completly out of the market now? What if 5 years down the road I want to know what other guys are like? I am no longer going to be someone’s girlfriend. I’ll be his wife. When I talk about him to my friends and co-workers I’ll be like “well my husband does the same thing…”>
Ask Brunetter about the bit about guys hitting on you. If she doesn’t give you a straight answer, you email me and I’ll give you the juicy details of our torpid love affair j/k.
You’re out of the market in the sense that you’re married. That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. My mother flirts with guys at work and they flirt back. It’s all in good fun.
<I’m totally flipping out!!!>
This is totally understandable. It’s a serious lifestyle change, and the fact that you’re flipping out means you recognize it as such. Think of it as a foreign object in your body. Your body doesn’t like this object, so it goes ballistic trying to get it the hell out.
<I know I love him and only want to be with him. I don’t really want to experiment more before I’m married. I know that we are perfectly meshed. I know I could deal with him until he is old and gray and parts don’t work and he is growing hair in places there isn’t supposed to be hair.
then why am I flippin out?>
Because you’re scared. And nervous. And excited. And surprised. And nervous. And excited. And scared. And nervous. All of which is completely normal.
And just remember, hon . . . there are lots of eligible bachelors here if you want to flirt. Some of us even flirt back without biting;)
Think on the bright side. You will never sign a contract in which your legal status is “spinster,” as a friend of mine did just a couple years ago. Boy, was she pissed!
Hmm, when I bought my house as a single woman, the contract specified “An Unmarried Woman” and I though that was bad enough! Why specify??? If I had been a single man, would it have said “An Unmarried Man”??? Sorry to hijack thread. [/hijack]
On subject:
I was scared, too, TubaGirl. Lots of reasons. I was afraid I was making a HUGE mistake. I wasn’t. I was weirded out by the “wife” thing. I love being a wife. I was afraid I’d miss knowing guys liked me. I know. I just don’t care. I was afraid of giving up my identity. Well, I’m still me, only better. And happier.
Your life as a single person will be over. Why are you concerned about guys hitting on you? Do you need men’s attention to validate how attracive you are?
Of course men will still make passes, but you are not allowed to respond.
Why would you want to?
I think 19 is way too young to marry, age 25 is better.
You could live another 70 years, that is an awfully long time to be looking at the same face.
Still, could work out.
I do hope you don’t start talking in that ‘We went here, WE bought this, WE are buying a new car’ style. Nothing wrong with it, I guess, I just wonder what is wrong that one can’t speak without labelling ones-self as a pair.
Let me guess… are your family and friends saying “you’re too YOOUUUUUUNG to get married??”
Only you know if you are ready or not. I was 19 when I got married, and that was 9 years ago. A happy 9 years with no end in sight. I was ready. My husband was ready. We were the right people in the right place at the right time, to use a cliché. If you know in your heart that it is the same for you, then go for it.
Being married changed my life in so many ways… the biggest thing it did for me was make me happy. I was never happy my whole life (except for a minute here, and hour there) but once I was married, my life was filled with happiness. There is nothing that can compare with knowing that another person has bonded themselves to you <i>for the rest of their life</i>.
Huh? I’m confused. What is wrong with “we”? If we do something together, I use the word “we”. If my son and I go to a movie together, I say “we” then too. If I buy something on my own, I say “I bought ___” if we buy something together “we bought ____”
I’m totally baffled that this could bother someone… it never even occurred to me that referring to things you’ve done together with “we” would be considered wrong by anyone. I think it would be absurd to use “I” most of those times. For example, if Dick and Jane are married, and Jane says to me “I’m buying a house” I’d be concerned and ask her if she was leaving Dick or something. It would sound bizarre.
As far as 19 being too young, I think it totally depends on the people. I got married at 19 and it was perfect.
Huh? I’m confused. What is wrong with “we”? If we do something together, I use the word “we”. If my son and I go to a movie together, I say “we” then too. If I buy something on my own, I say “I bought ___” if we buy something together “we bought ____”
I’m totally baffled that this could bother someone… it never even occurred to me that referring to things you’ve done together with “we” would be considered wrong by anyone. I think it would be absurd to use “I” most of those times. For example, if Dick and Jane are married, and Jane says to me “I’m buying a house” I’d be concerned and ask her if she was leaving Dick or something. It would sound bizarre.
As far as 19 being too young, I think it totally depends on the people. I got married at 19 and it was perfect.
jeez, and it seems down here in central florida that I am the only one getting married at this early age.
Thank you guys for the reassurement. I know I am truly in love and am ready to be married to him. I think my main concern is what people are going to say about our marraige. I think if he and I were the only people on the planet we would have married a year ago.
…"But then what would I do at work… I needs the Dopers…
Anyways, I am just freaking out that all my friends I have know since the 4th grade are going to now refer to Chris as my husband… That is just wierding me out beyond belief.
The answer to this one is YES. Just thought you’d like to know.
Tubagirl, you’re nervous. And that is normal. Getting married is a HUGE step. But believe me when I say, this is the easy part. Staying married is what’s going to be tough.
Don’t stop communicating with your husband. Listen to him, and be sure he listens to you. Tell him when you’re happy, when you’re sad, and when you’re pissed. Share your life with him, but keep some of your individuality. Grow with him, not away from him. Talk, talk, talk.
j/k.