I’m a teacher, and I work with kids from every imaginable kind of family. It seems to me like the important factor isn’t whether the kid lives with a married mother and father, but whether the kid lives with someone who strongly loves, supports, and stays involved in the child’s life.
I’ve seen deeply screwed-up kids from traditional nuclear families, and I’ve seen great and well-adjusted kids raised by an older cousin or grandparent. As far as I can tell, the deciding factor is that the adult or adults in the child’s life are very involved and the child knows the he or she is loved.
Well thanks, I never expected so much advice and shared stories, especially since I am new here.
I really know that if I stay my own sanity would be erroded bit by bit. I know we have no savings and are in debt… because of his drinking and general irresponsibility with money. I know that we’ve fought and its escalating.
I guess I’ve bought in to the “a boy needs his dad” wisdom. On the other hand I don’t think my hub can be a good dad now.
So, although I’m a mess I know it has to be over. Its really good to hear that people in my shoes or my son’s have no regrets.
Thanks again. How do personal profiles work, I cant seem to get into any?
Another child of divorced parents chiming in: do NOT stay together for the kids. Get a divorce for them. What they need is stable, safe, fighting-free home life. Give them that, and get what you need for yourself as well, by staying out of the destructive relationship.
My parents divorced when I was 14 and my brother was 13. It was not easy, but it was far better than the several years of fights before that. And it soon became just fine. I will also echo the advice of others here – do not ask the children to carry messages for you. If you have something to say to your ex, say it yourself. Do not involve the children. My parents tried that on me. Once. I told both of them that they would not do it again – not something I expected to be doing at the age of 14.
You have my sympathy – this is not an easy thing that you are doing. But it is the right thing. Be safe, and be strong.
Hang in there, shirt. It takes a little while for the emotional confidence to kick in. I’m so glad you’re going for counselling. It can be an incredible relief to just be able to pour everything out to sympathetic, helpful outsider.
FWIW my parents divorced when I was quite young, way back when divorce was a real rarity. (Sometime around the Pleistocene. Sigh.) The only minus was my parents not dropping the animosity and just getting on with their lives already. IMO the most important thing for your son is keeping him firmly apart from just as much animosity as possible. Believe me, he’ll grow up before you know it, and see what’s what on his own. As long as he KNOWS he’s loved and secure, he’ll be fine.
I also divorced an alchoholic husband. Only I stayed in the mess for a lunatic amount of time, thereby making things much worse for both of us. It took a counselor–one in his umpteenth rehab–to jolt me into reality, namely that I didn’t cause the alchoholism and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do to cure it. Nothing. Until the alcoholic faces the problem the most important thing in life will be that next drink. Family, job, wracking scenes, lost friends, accidents–nothing will outweigh the lure of the bottle.
That’s no way to live, for your son or you. You’ve removed your son from a toxic situation neither he nor you can control, much less influence. It’ll take a little while to settle down inside but it will happen, and very probably much sooner than you can believe right now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, resist the temptation to dwell on what-ifs and keep your focus on yourself and your son. And the best of all good luck to ya, shirt. You’ll make it through this rough patch just fine.
My mom divorced when I was too young remember, like your son. I am very glad she did! A lot of my friends have parents who divorced when they were old enough to remember, and all these friends seem to have turned out okay. I have one friend whose parents stayed together for the kids. (He believes his parents will split up when his youngest brother turns 18.) He swears that he will never date, marry, have children or love another person.
Thanks for all the input. Of course in the years I’ve been with my husband, he’s managed to make me so unsure of what I know and what I think, sometimes my judgement has been off. Hearing other’s stories certainly helps. For the first week after I left he just heaped verbal abuse on me (via telephone and one lovely morning when he showed up and yelled on the front lawn) and I generally felt like I was losing my mind, that maybe I was over-reacting and should just go back and work things out.
A few more days and Im thinking more clearly and I know I can’t go back.
Nobody’s story or opinion would change my course of action but it really makes me more comfortable with my decision. My biggest concern is the impact this will have on my son, a happy, active, and gregarious 6 month old. I dont know if its just the age, but he is babbling much more than he was before I left.
You’re starting to come out the other side, shirt. People who haven’t been through it have trouble understanding how undermined you can get. “Why didn’t she just leave? etc.” You can get so swamped, exhausted, overloaded and just plain numbed to the situation all healthy perspective is lost. It’s a case of one person’s sickness making those close to them sick as well. It takes a little while for the toxins to wash off.
It sounds to me like your little boy, young as he is, was absorbing a lot more of the atmosphere than you realized. If he’s babbling away more freely, happily now it’s because he feels safe doing it. That isn’t coincidence. It’s entirely beyond your power to force the situation into an “ideal” Leave It To Beaver mold, but you’ve moved your son into a place where he’s free to thrive.
Sometimes just the absence of an overwhelming negative is a pretty damned huge positive.
Now check out Al-Anon to find a bunch of people who understand just what you’re going through because they went through it, and can tell you what worked for them to help them get through it.
Alcoholism is a disease that can make the people who are real close to the alcoholic think that they themselves are crazy.
Boy ain’t that the truth QTM. One thing I learned in the limited contact I had with my father is that drunks can make you feel like you’re the one that has done something wrong, without saying a word.
Go read the AA Big Book, Brownie. Bill W. hits the nail right on the head about what it’s like to be an alcoholic or be associated with one.
Again thank you. Qadgop, I had picked up an Alanon pamphlet at the library last evening … so do great minds think alike…or is it that fools seldom differ?
I went to the counsellor, and was underwhelmed, she seemed to have her own agenda and offered very little support, but Iwill try to contact another one. I also have contacted a lawyer whom I will see next week.
I can’t go back. I’m tired of the sheer amount of time and energy I have put in to listening to his blather. He needs help for his drinking and he is really unbalanced mentally. And truth be told, while I do love him, I dont really like him much at all. so its all over but the lawyers and paperwork. Oh probably some shouting and possibly some more public nudity and other over the top behaviour. But I am getting off this roller coaster.
bravo, shirt. life does get better. it just takes away. life didn’t get crazy overnight. it will take almost as long to get sane again. but it’s a much better journey on the way back.
Oh, the fact of me leaving has not been in doubt for the last two weeks. Just a residual guilt about my son, etc has made me take my “poll”.
The end of the month is fast approaching though, and Im not sure what is going on. After 10 days of harassing phone calls, the estranged husband has maintained silence for the last week. (But he is home, he’s picking up phone messages)so I am not sure about the lease, paying rent, where he is going etc. I really want to go back in and get papers, a few other changes of clothes etc, but I need to know he’s out when I do that.
He works midnights so its a bit creepy to do that then. Dont worry I dont plan to go alone.
I’m a little late with my 2 cents, but I offer them up anyway.
I’m 42yrs old and I WISH my parents had divorced a long time ago. Instead, there were knock down drag out fights often, aggravated by drinking
Now, they are too old and dependant on one another financially and couldn’t split if they wanted to because of health insurance. My Dad drank until a couple of years ago, and my mother has turned into a very bitter and angry woman. Not a pretty sight
