Ok, so the other day I get a call after work. My friend informs me that she just stubbed her toe really bad, that her toenail is turning black and bleeding profusely. Since I work at the hospital, could I go ask for some gauze or something? She sounds like she’s in a lot of pain so I say sure, no problem. I run over to the hospital (the ER was totally empty) and tell my doc buddy what’s going on. He gives me the gauze and tape and tells me that if it looks bad that it might just be easier to remove it. Tells me that if it looks bad, just bring her in. I tell him it’s a deal.
…
So I go over to monkey girl’s house and sure enough it looks terrible. The times I can swab away enough blood to look at it you can see that fully half the nail is ripped out of the nail bed. “Get in the car, you nutty monkey” I tell her and explain the whole deal about removing it being better than leaving it, yada. She manages to hop her way down to the car like Terry Fox after a two-six of Jimmy Beam, freaking the whole while.
“Really? He says to remove it?”
“He told me to bring you in if it looks bad”, I say
“Will it hurt?”
“They have anesthetic, monkey girl”, I reply
“Really? Will he give me some? Did he really say to bring me in? Oh fuck, this is going to hurt. He didn’t really say that, did he? Are you screwing with me? I hate hospitals. How can you work there…?” etc, etc, etc.
So we get into one of the trauma rooms and the doc comes in. The nurse is off doing something else, so I get to help! Fun! He asks me to fill a 5cc syringe with Xylocaine. (I love small hospitals!) He promises that the freezing part is the most painful part, and judging by the look on monkey girl’s face, he’s right. He freezes both sides of her big toe and then goes off to do something and wait for the freezing to set it. Monkey girl starts with questions.
MG: “What’s that?” (pointing to defibrillator)
me: “It’s a defibrillator. You know on TV when they yell ‘clear!’ it’s tha…”
MG: “EW! what’s a ‘colposcopy’”
me: “The stick a camera up your b…”
MG: “Are those like the needles you use?” (points to boxes of needles)
me: “Sometimes. I usually have my own. If they…”
MG: “Hey, do they have some catheters here? Can I see one?”
me: “I don’t think they’d like me pawing through their shit so I can find you a catheter”
MG: “What’s that thing again? A de-frizzerator”
me: “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!”
Anyways, about this time Docboy comes in. He asks if she can feel her toe. Hey, whaddya know, with all that yapping she completely forgot about her toe, which is by now quite frozen. Docboy gets out some of them locking forceps (sorry, don’t know what they’re really called) and I convince monkey girl to lie on her back and not look.
“Can you feel this?” Docboy says, pushing roughly on her toenail.
She doesn’t feel it. So, he grabs the nail with his forceps and PEELS THE WHOLE NAIL BACK! Ugh! I was morbidly fascinated. I watch, expectantly. He tries just pulling it loose, but it won’t quite come off. Hey, Nunavut Boy, pass me those scissors in the top drawer, will ya? I get the scissors (in their sterile pouch) out, de-pouch them and hand them to him handle first, just like on TV. He then proceeds to jam them into the nail bed underneath the nail and starts cut, cut, cutting at the tissue holding the nail in there. I’m swabbing all the blood thats welling out of there so he can see better. Awesome. Meanwhile, monkey girl with her vantage point has noticed all the cast-making supplies.
“Hey, is that plaster? Can I have some? I’ll make you a present”
“Do you guys watch ER? I don’t”
“The last time I went to the hospital, they gave me an enema”
Anyhoo, we got her all cleaned, bandaged and Tylenol-3’d up. Thank god that put her to sleep.
Man, I love medical shit!
