Four men discuss the former President

From the Lord It’s Bushit satire newswire

“I think I did something for the worst possible reason — just because I wanted to,” a contrite former President George Walker Bush tells 60 Minutes as his soon-to-be best selling autobiography “My Weapon of Mass Destruction” hit the shelves. The “something” he references is an unbelievably bizarre sequence of events spanning just a few years; from the initial months of his presidency, to the shock and horror of 9/11, to Operation Shock and Awe, the capture and liberation of Private Jessica Lynch, the capture of Saddam Hussein and, finally, the return of the Iraqi government to the Iraqi people.

Four people especially affected by Bush along the way share their retrospective musings with reporters.

“The intelligence we were using for this WMD claim I believed to be insufficient,” Colin Powell tells the BBC, referencing the president’s defense. “I knew then that it was an unsatisfactory position, but I could see in Mr. Bush’s eyes that he would stop short at nothing to go through with it.” When asked whether he believed Mr. Bush had lied to the world, he tries hard to conceal his contempt for former President Bush. “It’s hard to not think that when you hear someone say ‘I wanted to’.”

But is Former Secretary Powell bitter? Not quite. “He has children about as old as the ones he sent to Iraq to assure them that this time [unlike the effort of the previous decade] we are making sure things won’t get worse. And when you remember that this could be his kids, I do believe he was reacting as a parent and not a Commander in Chief.”

Saddam Hussein, given a rare chance for interview in his jail cell, had this to say through an interpreter: “I never thought, from the moment [Former President] Clinton left office, that someone would actually get the UN to make me show them what was in those 47 palaces.” He laughs, his cheeks slightly sunken, a scraggly beard growing on his chin, and takes a sip from a cup of weak tea. “To know that I am here, and Bush sealed his own fate pursuing me on the intelligence given by an Iranian of all people,” he continues, trying to stifle a laugh, “gives me to wonder who he would not have trusted if they said to him ‘Mr. President, we have irrefutible evidence that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction.’”

In this book, former President Bush says that Karl Rove was interested only in seeing just what he could get away with. The man who drove his political machine through the most treacherous of land and weather has a high opinion of himself. “It says a lot about a guy who demands the best and gets Karl Rove to help him. I don’t know that anyone else would have been able to do what I did. To think that months before the election some folks still thought … well, I was paid very well and I did my job. There are only so many people who will hold out hope for something the rest of the world know isn’t coming.”

Rove is retired now, living comfortably. He sits and reads his heavily-thumbed copy of Animal Farm, chuckling to himself whenever Squealer makes an appearance. “And of course,” he goes on to say slowly, “we’re sorry it had to happen that way, but looking back on it I think it was one of my finest hours when I managed to keep the President’s opinion rating so high as everything was starting to come to light. It takes a special effort to get that to happen."

Mr. Rove says that he looks forward to working with the former president again some day. “He brought out the finest work I had. He challenged me to go out there and do the impossible, and it was enormously satisfying to know I could turn [excrement] into gold. I think you do your best work when you’re under pressure from the nation, and to some extent the world, and I think that really showed.”

What Baghdad Bob remembers most fondly is Mr. Bush’s determinism, and his never-surrender courage and heart. Again, through an interpreter, “When I heard that we were going to be bombed, I think to myself no way, this will not happen. He does not have the … we have a phrase for it in Arabic, we call it ‘the essence of the lion.’ Anyway, I say to myself before Operation Hock and Shawl, this will be over any second. And I tell the Iraqi people that they are not being bombed.” He chuckles to himself, then continues, “Maybe a little white lie, but I am supremely confident back in oh, March of a few years back? I know this will not last. That is why I tell the Iraqi people that American pig-dogs will not do what they say they are doing. I think they are just putting on a show trying to make [Former President] Bush look stronger than he is.”

Baghdad Bob pauses and smiles for the camera, adding “You all Americans thought I was just a tool of Saddam … you never thought to think that we Iraqis never in our wildest dream think that [Former President] Bush will do what he says he will do. [Former President] Clinton waved his arms around a lot and bombed some abandoned warehouse or whatever, we think to ourselves ‘Bush will just do the same moving and talking.’ Never expected him to come after us, now look what has happened.”

Baghdad Bob’s only regret is that he did not cash in on his involvement. “You Americans love to sit and scream at the TV even though it cannot hear you, silly beings. You love to talk back to things that don’t talk to you. If I had played my cards right – maybe Karl Rove had helped me – I could have a newspaper column now, Ask Baghdad Bob. I could play on ignoring people’s actual problems, telling them nothing of the sort is going on and to return to their lives. But no, I stay in line one day too long with Mr. Hussein and now …”

Pride goeth before a fall, they say. Supporters point out that it is remarkable how President Bush endured the country’s protests, the world’s disagreement with his effort to secure the world – from what has yet to be determined – and to ensure that he would never be forgotten. Others say that the former president might share a portion of the blame since, after all, he did order Operation Shock and Awe. No one really knows what history will say, but now that Mr. Bush has confessed all, perhaps history will be kind, and record that in the end he said, “I cannot tell a lie. I did invade that country under false pretenses.”

Parody of this OP.

[…applause…] Very nice, Pun! :slight_smile:

Of course, Bush wasn’t the only one who thought Iraq had WMDs or was a threat to the US.

“What if he fails to comply, and we fail to act? Or we take some ambiguous third route which gives him more opportunities to develop this program of weapons of mass destruction? … Well, he will conclude that the international community has lost its will. He will then conclude that he can go right on and do more to rebuild an arsenal of devastating destruction. And someday, some way, I guarantee you he’ll use the arsenal.”

Bill Clinton, December 16, 1998

“It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capability to wage biological and chemical warfare and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons. Should he succeed in that endeavor, he could alter the political and security landscape of the Middle East which, as we know all too well, affects American security. This much is undisputed.”

Hillary Clinton, October 10, 2002

“Mr. President, when I vote to give the President of the United States the authority to use force if necessary to disarm Saddam Hussein, [it is] because I believe a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a threat, and a grave threat to our security and that of our allies in the Persian Gulf region.”

John Kerry, October 9, 2002

Do you really think that possibly starting a war under false pretenses ranks with a married man having sex out of wedlock??? Especially lying about it under oath???

Boy, you gotta get them priorities straightened out! No one will be talking about this years after it makes any difference whatsoever. But a blowjob? Hell, we’ll be hearing about that long after Clinton’s in the grave.

Not even remotely. However, I didn’t feel like digging up four people Bush knew back when he was smoking p - er, engaging in a youthful indiscretion;)

change that to “snorting coke & dwi, then lying about it” 'punha, and tell me if you still call it “youthful indiscretion.”

Um, you do know that Clinton is guilty of far worse crimes than just blowjobs, don’t you?

I mean, come on.

:eek: Is that guy for real???

You mean I wasn’t the only one who was misled by Bush? A lot of people believed his phony intelligence, and are now thinking better of it. So what’s the problem?

I’ll not take the bait for the obvious joke. But it was not Bush’s intelligence, he made decisions based on other people’s work in the intelligence field, and the reports he got based on that intell work. The intell was faulty, and the decision-making not so sound, but don’t let on that W grilled the suspects.

Wish I’d had this URL a couple months ago when Dore claimed she never claimed we were nuking China.

BTW, Dore’s got quite the resume: she’s god, jesus (the original), jesus mk. II (sent to judge, not forgive), the fourth member of the trinity in her own right, an angel, an archangel, a true prophet, the occasional recipient of alien anal probes and a few other things I can’t remember at this time. Her life is quite interesting.

Well, one obvious problem is the space-time continuum. Bill Clinton would have to be mislead by Bush coming out of a time machine in 1998. Another problem is that you’re making both Senators Hillary Clinton and John Kerry seem like naive buffoons incapabable of interpreting on their own the same evidence shown to Bush that was shown to them.

No, his guys heavied the field guys on what a good idea it would be if they came up with reports that suited the policy of the day.

Wait…you mean Clinton and Gore (who bashed the first Bush after he didn’t raze Baghdad in the first gulf war when “everyone knew” that Saddam supported terorrists) wanted to bomb Saddam too? Wow…I think that just bumps them up a few slots on my presidential grading system.

>Um, you do know that Clinton is guilty of far worse crimes than just blowjobs, don’t you?

What, like perjury? :smack:

Blowjobs are crimes?

Not always. But contempt of court is.

Liberaltarian: Seeing as how you’ve somehow forcibly inserted Clinton’s knob into this discussion, and thereby opened the door on moral equivalence, let me ask you this:

Peter and Judas were both betrayers. Were the two betrayals equivalent? Was Judas’ betrayal lessened in any way by Peter’s betrayal?

Yes, Desmostylus, they were. A fleeting thought to do harm is morally equivalent to the mass murder of 50 million people — both are corruptions of moral perfection.

It was well-documented, even before the war, that the CIA was being a stick-in-the-mud and wasn’t providing the Administration with the ‘right’ intel. So they (a) leaned on the CIA to give the Bushically Correct answers, and (b) created their own ad-hoc ‘intelligence’ grooups, such as the Office of Special Plans and the Counter Terrorism Evaluation Group.

Bush decided what intelligence (using that word in the technical sense, rather than the everyday sense) he wanted, and he was firm and decisive, and he got it. It was his intelligence. And to the extent that what he wanted didn’t conform with reality, the intel was faulty. Big surprise.

That’s like saying 1 is mathematically equivalent to 999,999,999,999 since they both share the property of being odd numbers.

IOW, if A and B share a single common property, characteristic, attribute, or what have you, that doesn’t mean they’re equivalent.

I propose everyone bookmark this message as proof that Libertarian/Liberal is a freakin’ moron.